(Closed) Confused/a little hurt by bridal shower situation

posted 7 years ago in Parties
Post # 2
Member
2584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Could you see if your family/BMs would be willing to contribute in other ways, perhaps doing a potluck type event so that not one person is stuck with buying/making everything?  Is this going to be at someone’s home or was your Maid/Matron of Honor planning on renting a hall or something?

My shower was held at my MIL’s home, my sister (MOH), mom and Mother-In-Law provided all the food, and there were no other costs on top of that (except gifts), so I’m not sure what type of shower your Maid/Matron of Honor was going for?

Post # 3
Member
8452 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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ela0919:  Saying anything about a bachlorette party would be premature and acting on raw emotions at this point, so I recommend leaving that out entirely.

Regarding the shower, yes it would be out of place to start suggesting alternatives even if your reason is trying to be helpful. Showers are supposed to be small intimate affairs with your nearest and dearest. How many people were you originally thinking of having? Is there no way to narrow it down to maybe 10 people, and have wine and hors d’ouerves at someone’s house? If the Maid/Matron of Honor is willing to host, I’d let her. Leave it up to her if she approaches the other BMs with a reduced budget or not. Honestly, if you refuse it completely, it kind of sounds like you’re pouting because it won’t be good enough. Since that’s surely not how you feel, let your Maid/Matron of Honor host what she is willing and able to, and graciously give her a list of your dozen or so most loved ones to attend.

ETA: I kind of contradicted myself by saying don’t suggest alternatives, and then I suggested alternatives. … I guess what I’m trying to say is if you originally gave her a guest list of 30, now would be a perfect time to say “I was over-zealous. Here are the (10-12) people that really mean the most. If you can arrange something with these guests, it would be lovely. If you can’t, then don’t worry about it at all, I know you love me and am excited for the wedding.” When she suggested just hosting “friends” it kind of sounds like she was suggesting a scaled back guest list. I’m sure she didn’t mean literally JUST friends, more like, fewer people. So help her out and give her a limited, reasonable “must have” list.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Daisy_Mae.
Post # 4
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m my sister’s Maid/Matron of Honor and am in the process of planning her shower. There is only me and one Bridesmaid or Best Man so we were aiming for low cost anyway (plus Bridesmaid or Best Man has had a run of bad luck with her apartment being broken into and having a massive leak). I haven’t figured out decorations yet but at this point we’ll be having the shower at my house and getting food from Panera for catering so cost should be pretty minimal. My shower was very similar (food from Costco and held at my grandmother’s house). I’m not a huge social butterfly so there weren’t a lot of people, but it was very nice and I enjoyed myself greatly.

Post # 5
Member
5521 posts
Bee Keeper

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ela0919:  As a UK bee it shocks me how much bridesmaids elsewhere have to spend to be in a wedding; and while I can just about accept them paying for dresses and the bachelorette, I think it’s a bit much to also ask them to contribute financially towards a shower. I feel like if you are expecting any form of financial contribution from your bridesmaids, it needs to be made clear from the off so that they go in with their eyes open and know exactly what they’re agreeing to. If your bridesmaids haven’t been in any weddings they may not have realised that the bridalshower is one of their responsibilities, or alternatively, they may have been in weddings where the shower was very low key an inexpensive.

I feel that cancelling both is extreme, and will cause a lot of upset. If I were your Bridesmaid or Best Man and you reacted like that, I’d think you were acting quite selfish and entitled in all honesty.

All you really need for a shower is a venue, some food, and some drinks. Decorations are unnecessary, and food and drink can be simple and cheap (think sandwiches and soft drinks); venue-wise, the best bet is to see if someone would be willing to host at theirs, thus reducing costs in not having to hire a venue. Basically I feel like with a free venue and basic food and drink a shower could be pulled off for absolutely no more than $5 a head; assuming 30 people attend, that isn’t too great a cost and could perhaps come out of the budget for the bachelorette if necessary. I would probably just leave it to your Maid/Matron of Honor though, perhaps trimming down the guest-list if possible to help reduce costs.

Post # 6
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’ve been a bridesmaid seven times and was never responsible for a contribution or planning of the shower. The brides sister(s) and families did them all. Same for mine (hosted by my mother). 

Don’t get all worked up about it. Weddings are expensive and these girls are probably already dropping a ton of money on you. Have a brunch at someone’s house and ask them to bring a dish, ask your family/his family to contribute, etc etc

Post # 7
Member
2655 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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ela0919:  In my neck of the woods usually the MOB funds/hosts the shower and the Maid/Matron of Honor./BMS help with details/ crafting ect. My mom paid for and hosted my shower and my Maid/Matron of Honor ( sister) helped a lot and my friends did help alot with the favors ect but Idont think any of them paid anything or helped with invites ect.

I would maybe reach out to your family and see if they are willing to help? I find it kind of odd that BMS are expected to pay for the shower, but that might be the norm elsewhere.

Post # 10
Member
5521 posts
Bee Keeper

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ela0919:  But the fact is that your bridesmaids weren’t expecting this cost, so for them it’s an unexpected extra. It could also be that your Maid/Matron of Honor is planning something extravagent; obviously that isn’t your fault, but if they weren’t expecting to have to contribute to the shower full-stop and she’s then asking for $80 each or whatever, I could see that they might balk at that. I just think if any costs are going to be involved, it’s good to have a rough idea up-front so people know what they’re getting into, as costs can vary so much from wedding to wedding eg one bride might be happy with $50 dresses, a simple bachelorette at a local bar/restaurant, and a simple shower at her mom’s house, whereas another might want $250 dresses, a weekend away for her bachelorette, and a shower at a fancy restaurant with all the trimmings. So even if you know what ‘things’ you are supposed to pay for, the costs can vary dramatically, and your bridesmaids simply may not be able to afford it. Or, they might genuinely believe that the MOB should host the shower; I have no idea what the custom is on hosting as we don’t have showers over here.

Post # 11
Member
8452 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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ela0919:  “I also thought it was considered a faux pas for immediate family to host? Has that changed?”

You are absolutely correct. Showers originally started as a way to help young women whose families could not afford to set them up properly with their own household goods. Since no self-respecting family would ask others to provide what the family should be responsible for, friends would take it upon themselves to host a party and shower the bride with gifts. Apparently, there is no longer any shame in saying “Can you guys buy all this crap for her? We don’t want to give her ours, but can’t afford to buy her new stuff on our own.” So it has become common for families to throw showers. I know (based on Wedding Bee and other forums) that I’m in the minority these days, but I would be very embarassed for family to throw my shower, and I will not be hosting my daughters if she has one. If her friends aren’t up for it, I’ll help her buy what she needs.

Post # 12
Member
1782 posts
Buzzing bee

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ela0919:  So because your BMs aren’t as enthusiastic about your wedding events as you are, you want to cancel the bach party and the shower entirely? Sounds a little like you’re being too dramatic. Yes, your feelings are valid, and it’s understandable that you’re hurt.

Don’t compare your bridal experience to others. I don’t have enough BMs to have a bachelorette party. I’m a little sad about that, but I’ve never had many friends to begin with. Sometimes we have expectations for how things are supposed to be, and when they don’t measure up, we want to just say “forget the whole thing.”

You will regret canceling your shower. Just trust me.

Post # 13
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Depends on your area, but it’s super common here for a Mom or Aunt or Sister to host the bridal shower. 

I’d let your Maid/Matron of Honor know you’re open to anything.   Whether it’s cutting down the guest list, canceling the shower, moving it to somebody’s home instead of a restaurant, having a relative help, or even offering her your own time or money to help out.  Giving her all these options is not rude.  Forget “tradition”, being kind and understanding towards your Maid/Matron of Honor is never rude.

(BTW, as a guest, I only attend both the shower and the bachelorette for a very, very good friend.  Between the shower, bachelorette, and wedding- that is a lot of gifts, time, and money)         

Post # 14
Member
2366 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I was Maid/Matron of Honor for my sister, generally all the bridesmaids contribute towards the shower and the bachelorette. That being said, none of her bridesmaids contributed to the shower. i paid for it and it was wonderful. My sister is now giving my shower, I have no idea what if anything my bridesmaids are contributing so likely my sister is paying for it all.let your Maid/Matron of Honor give you a shower she can afford and when she gets married you’ll do the same 🙂 

Post # 15
Member
2366 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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justwondering2015:  I have almost no female friends mostly guY friends, including several exes I’ve stayed good friends with. the current plan is for my guys and I to have a more “bachelor” weekend in Atlantic City. Sometimes if you think outside tradition you can have a blast!

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