Post # 1
This absolutely kills me to write… I don’t have anyone to talk to in “real life” because I don’t want to concern anyone, and I don’t want to look like an idiot since I’m still weighing my options. Bare with me, this might be long…
So the other day bachelor/bachelorette parties came up. My fiancé brought up going to Vegas with his buddies. I told him it would be fun if we both went the same weekend and did our own things, periodically meeting up to all hangout together- but mainly being off on our own with our friends. He told me he would not be interested in this, and the whole point of the bachelor party is to “hangout with my buddies without you.” A little bit about me- I’m the fiancé that’s totally cool with strip clubs and lap dances, hell we’ve even gone together a couple times. He really enjoys them so… I kind of just let go of any jealousy and decided to let him like what he likes and even join him sometimes. So the fact he is pretty adamant about me not being any where near him concerns me, also the fact he doesn’t seem to want to compromise whatsoever is also a little odd.
Ive heard through the grapevine that a couple times early in our relationship he and his friends would travel and go to strip clubs abs he would get a little handsy with them (I even saw a screenshot of a convo with one of his friends bragging that he fingered one) THAT is stuff I’m NOT okay with and was not okay with back then and caused issues in our relationship that we have since moved past. Or so I thought, til the prospect of Vegas came up…
This made me realize that I dont trust him. At all. I am almost positive he would cross a line… more than once and I’d look like a fool not only on our wedding day, but every day of our marriage after. This realization breaks my heart. While I don’t think he would do anything sober I can’t say they same when he drinks… I’ve seen him and how he interacts with women while intoxicated. I’m frustrated with myself that I’m just now realizing this. Why now? Why when we made a deposit on our venue, why just a few days after my mom bought me my beautiful dress.
I had to call off work today because I can’t stop crying, I’m having such bad anxiety that I can’t get out of bed. I don’t know where to go from here. Fiancé has no idea I’m struggling… I don’t even know how I would bring this up to him…. I feel so broken and what’s worse is I feel like I’m at fault for that….
Post # 2
danadrew19 : I’m so sorry bee. But fingering another woman would be a hard no for me. I was at first going to be like yeah a bachelor party is a guys day/weekend. But once you brought up fingering. Well that’s it that’s a HARD NO. I know it sucks but it’s better to have figured it out before you married him. Right? Wishing you all the best❤️❤️
Post # 3
This is not your fault. You don’t trust him and you have good reason not to. I promise you that the money you will lose from the venue, dress or anything else pales in comparison to the cost of divorce. I think your doubts are justified and they’re telling you this is not the right relationship for you. I really commend you for seeing it before you make a permanent decision!
Post # 4
Honey, you deserve better.
Post # 5
Good for you for being strong enough to recognize serious red flags and brave enough to say it out loud (write it here). How I wish I had not stayed in denial and buried my head in the sand so many years ago. Although I am blissfully happy now, I will never, ever forget the pain of that divorce…..the one that, had I admitted some things out loud, would have been an obvious eventuality.
Do not stay because of money lost. The divorce will be FAR more expensive, and if you have children, the damage immeasurable.
Post # 6
It is so much easier to call off an engagement after 2 weeks than it is to divorce after a marriage. Honestly, it’s GOOD that you are looking at this now. Did you see the thread about the bachelor party in Cancun? Your fi sounds like exactly the type of person to do something shady and then lie about it. Do NOT attach yourself to this type of person.
Post # 7
It is a lot easier and cheaper to call it off now then get divorced later. Don’t try to live with trust issues like these, you will just grow bitter and resentful.
Post # 8
I stopped reading after the “fingered one” bit. He will be unfaithful to you in your marriage and I bet he is unfaithful now. You’re young, you’re beautiful. Move on.
Post # 9
danadrew19 : Trust your feeling. Fingering is really a big no no. also if he crossed the line once then he will for the second and third time.
Better call off the wedding than divorce.
Post # 10
“This made me realize that I dont trust him. At all.”
Get out. This guy is a turd. But you know what’s more important? You don’t need a “good enough” reason to end an engagement, break up…whatever. The reason is that YOU DON’T WANT TO get married/go forward, etc.
You’re doing the right thing here. Trust your gut.
Post # 11
danadrew19 : Definitely end it! Loosing a deposit on a venue is nothing compared to the cost of divorce or the wasted years being with someone like him. This is not the type of person you want a future with.
Post # 12
That sucks, but it’s the right call. If your relationship doesn’t have trust, then you have nothing. Your marriage is destined to fail before it even starts without trust.
It’s ok to have boundaries. But you have to be able to trust your partner and your partner has to respect them. You can’t and he doesn’t. Don’t settle.
Post # 13
Ugh I’m sorry bee. He’s a pig.
I know you said you’re frustrated with yourself for just now realizing it, but sometimes it’s hard to be objective and face the cold reality in our own relationships until a situation forces us to face it head-on.
It’s okay that you’re just now realizing that this isn’t going to work. In fact, it’s a huge blessing you’re seeing it now rather than after you’re married.
I’m sorry this happened but you will be so much better off calling it off now.
Post # 14
If there isn’t trust already at this stage it won’t get better after marriage. And it’s not your fault either so don’t feel it is. He has given you reasons to feel unsure. If you are so anxious and stressed about it; you already have your answer. could you live with him for years to come feeling like you can’t trust him fully everyday. Maybe you should talk with him about your feelings and his behavior in the past and why you’re worried. If his reaction is dismissive then maybe you should reconsider if this man is truly the right one for you. It’s sad but it’s better to be heartbroken now then miserable years down the road. Marriage without trust and understanding will most likely fail. If you were my sister and you told me these concerns I would be upset and tell you to run/ let him go because there is someone out there who will completely love and respect you and who you wouldn’t doubt.
Post # 15
My immediate reaction is thank god you figured out you don’t trust him BEFORE getting married. I’m so sorry, these realizations hurt like hell, but the reality of breaking it off is actually a lot less painful than the anxiety you’re feeling about doing it, although I know how hard that is to imagine. You HAVE to tell him how you’re feeling, not for the relationship’s sake at all, but for yours. The longer this drags on, the more you’ll suffer.
How do you tell him? You sit him down and tell him, that’s how. It will be awful. There’s no way to make this process more pleasant, but it is WAY preferable to slowly accumulating resentment while digging yourself into an emotional/legal hole you can’t climb out of.