(Closed) CONSIDERING CALLING OFF THE WEDDING – HELP!!!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

He made you attend a wedding seminar by YOURSELF?! That’s not a good quality of a future husband, sorry. Go with your gut, not your heart. You’re still young and you WILL find someone else if you decide to break it off. Cold feet could also be the problem, BUT if I was engaged to someone constantly criticizing me and not supporting me, it would probably make sense to have cold feet. Actions speak louder than words – he can say he loves you, but from what you’ve wrote, I don’t see how he shows it to you. Better to break it off now while you’re 30, than be with him for 5 years, be miserable, and possibly divorcing. You’d have wasted 5 years of your life.

Hope you make the best decision!

 

Post # 4
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

You say you know you love him because you put his well being before your own. Does he do the same for you? If you don’t feel supported now, getting married is not going to change or fix that. Don’t marry him because you think he is your only chance or because you are scared to be alone… 

Post # 5
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee

If for any reason your fiance scares you..like actually scares you during an argument, then you need to leave. Thats a HUGE red flag and is one of the earmarkers for abuse.

Post # 6
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

@shamushi:  

It doesn’t sound good.  I’d suggest getting counselling before the wedding but obviously you’ve already tried that and he isn’t cooperative.  From what you’ve said here I’d have to advise you to end it.  

Post # 7
Member
4429 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@shamushi:  im so very sorry your going Thur this hun.

you should feel like your marring your best friend and lover.

i cant tell you what to do but i would really think about it and starting fresh is not a bad thing.

if you are thinking about if you will find the man of your dreams if you leave him then your not with the man of your dreams.

good luck

blessings love and light to you and yours

i will pray that God will answer your prayers and give you a sign

but remember you have to see the sing and not brush it off ; ) cheer up.

Post # 8
Member
2464 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

The first three years together you only saw each other once a week for a movie and tennis? That seems extremely odd to me, especially since you can’t really have a good conversation during either of those activities.

Also in my opinion it’s a bit emotionally abusive of him to make those kind of comments about your appearance. I’d be completely flabberghasted if my Fiance made a comment like that. Occasionally he might tell me he’s not particularly fond of a certain shirt, but that *I* look beautiful. I chalk it up to him not having any sense of fashion and move on. 😛

But to nitpick about your hair, your makeup, your weight, etc? That’s simply not healthy. It sounds like no matter what you do, you will never be ‘good enough.’

Please understand that this will not get better after you get married; in fact it has the potential to get much worse once you’re ‘legally his.’ 

I would recommend that you not marry this man, and if you do, please at least consider pushing the wedding back so that the two of you can spend some more time getting to know each other better.

The fact that he refuses to go to any kind of pre-marital counseling is a huge red flag for me. If he’s not willing to go now, what makes you think that should you guys be having REAL problems ten years down the road, he’d be willing to go to any kind of couples counseling to work on it?

That kind of unwillingness to compromise can make for a really miserable marriage.

Post # 9
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@rachelmichelle:  +1. 

OP, can you really see him changing? You say you have been under your parent’s care your whole life? Why not try and live on your own for awhile so you can get some independence? Change is definitely scary but I have a feeling it will be so much rewarding than spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t seem to respect you.

Post # 10
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Planning a wedding isnt easy, it is stressful and it does bring out the nasty in one another. But you should never be scared of your future husband. You are going to be with this man the rest of your life. My finace is also 10 years older so I know what you mean by growing up in defferent environments but it doesnt seem to affect us. I like hearing how he grew up n he enjoys hearing about mine. What really matters is that you both put eachother first and consider eachothers feelings. It cant always be one way, You have to give to get if you know what Im saying. Thats what happened to my parents marriage..It just died cus they were both too head strong to let the other win once and a while. Now im NOT saying give in when you argue there should be compromise..i just said it wierd haha. Go with your gut, dont marry him if your going to be miserable and end in divorce. It’ll just be harder =c Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I say get out. If you are already questioning it to this extent, I think you already know it’s not going to work.

Post # 12
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Instead of the topic being called “considering calling off the wedding”  I think it should be called…

 

I’m considering actually staying in this relationship.

 

Do you want to go through this the rest of your life?  If you do, then go ahead and marry him.  But if you’re worth more than than he values you (which indeed yo9u are) then YOU take control of this relationship and YOU leave.  Don’t allow him to control who goes or who stays.

 

Run as fast as you can.  Honey I’m sorry this is happening, but, it seems apparent (from your message) your feelings for him are much stronger than his feelings for you.  HOw friggin painful. 

Seirously, ask yourself…  do you wanna live like this every day for the rest of your life.

 

good luck and let us know what happens.

((hugs))

Ronney

 

Post # 13
Member
533 posts
Busy bee

He won’t change. Your relationship won’t magically fix itself after the I dos. Why would you want to marry this guy? Get out.

Post # 14
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

your tears doesn’t mean anything to me.”

This says everything …I would recommend you think very hard about what this says about him.

Post # 15
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ascommas vice is not coming from a bride-to-be who is also planning a wedding, but from my profession, a domestic violence counselor.  Domestic violence is often perceived that you need to be physically assaulted in order to be a victim. In addition, victims always make excuses for their abuser. You may not want to hear this but from your post, it is clear that you are a victim of verbal and emotional abuse which can be equally damaging as physical abuse. Most people don’t understand why people “abuse”. Research shows that domestic violence stems from needing to control or have power over another.Sometimes it’s because the person feels out of control himself but this is the reason, period. Of course there are added influences substance abuse or not coping well but it’s not that he needs anger management or that he’s stressed out- its that he is making a conscience choice to control you. He has a choice to tell you look beautiful or to complain about your looks. He takes your choice and opinions away- its his way or the highway. Many victims feel very confused without planning a wedding bc of the highs and lows of an abusive relationship. It becomes very difficult to see what’s happening because he is ISOLATING you. This is another well known term in my field. When he makes comments like itsa about “us”- this is his way of keeping you all to yourself. And isolation is a key factor of why people will not leave their abuser. Bc as time progresses, he will start to keep you from your family and friends and you will be too embarrassed to leave or have Little support when youdecide to leave. It is a confusing time Bc your fights never last more than a day or so. Is he controlling when he forgives you? Does he drop things on his terms or on yours? Does he make up for it? Does he do one little thing in return and expects you to eat it up? Does he shower you with affection and kind words after his actions truly hurt you? This is called the honeymoon stage. He makes things worse which takes you way low and he is the one to pull you out of that slump by making it all better. 

This is not the wedding jitters. You are starting to realize a pattern of abusive behaviors and you know it isn’t right. This is not my decision or anyone elses-it’s only your life. But this isn’t my opinion- this is factual information. One of 3 women experience domestic violence in their lifetime. This sounds like its only the beginning for you and it’s time to take preventative actions. I’ll also share this- on average it takes a victim 7 cycles of abuse to leave a relationship for good. A cycle is what I have described above- tension building, abusive incident, explosion, honeymoon phase, back to normal. This is an emotional roller coaster for victims. And I am sorry but unless he realizes he is an abuser, and makes a commitment to change not for you (bc this is another abuse tactic) but for himself, then the way to be successful in that is to be removed from the relationship. For example in order for an alcoholic to get sober, he needs to stay away from alcohol or any enviornment that tempts him. At this point you are his drug of choice and trust me it’s not you- it’s not your fault and you can not blame yourself and excuse his behaviors. For more information call the national domestic violence hotline 1800-799-SAFE. or google domestic violence. And please call them or research yourself safe ways to exit or leave a relationship bc that is where it gets very complicated and unmanageable. I hope you make the best decision for yourself and you make it soon. 

Post # 16
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Listen to your gut….it’s screaming loud and clear about what you need to do. I wish women would realize that a man does not want to change unless he wants to! You loving him better won’t make things better. You doing things better will not make him treat you better. Nothing you do will change the man he is.

Do you want to spend your life with a man with his character, as he is, for the rest of your life? Think about that long and hard. This is who he is going to be. This is how he will treat your children. Your life will always be walking on eggshells and trying to make things better.

I was in a relationship like this once. What I learned from it is when people show you who they are BELIEVE them, relationships should not be that hard, and no matter what you do, he will not change.

Get emotional support around you. The only way I could leave my relationship was to go to my best friends house and end it while being in her support. We lived together and I told him it was over and he had until 5:00 to get his things out. We had broken up the night before (one of the million fights we had and I am sure he thought he would get me back) but I woke up and left before he awoke and got the strength to end the relationship with my besties support.

It was the best decision I ever made in my life. I met my now husband at the age of 38. I feel blessed every single day. I feel appreciated, beautiful, smart, My life with him is absolutely nothing like my prior relationship, and I thank God everyday for getting me out of that situation and my reward for it is my husband.

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