(Closed) CONSIDERING CALLING OFF THE WEDDING – HELP!!!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 183
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

The fact that you are even questioning this in the first place and chose to write about it here are serious warning signs, you are second guessing yourself. When getting married it should be something you are 100% sure about and feel GREAT and excited about. If you have to think for one second that you might not want to get married to this person, it isn’t right!! 

GET OUT NOW!

I lived with a very moody/mean boyfriend for 3 years and some of the things you wrote about sound eerily familar. The story about you giving him a watch for his birthday and how he threw it at you, is almost DEAD ON to what he did to me once. 

I found out from a friend that he was planning to propose and I was terrified at the thought of spending the rest of my life with him. Why be with someone that constantly makes you feel bad about yourself? I was scared to leave since I lived with him, his temper frightened me and also because I didn’t think I’d even find someone else, etc. I always thought he would change and he never did. Of course there were good times but looking back at it, most of the time he made me feel dumb, incompetent, and overall not good enough. I kept telling myself I should break it off and I kept planning it out and never went through with it because it made me so sad since a part of me wanted to stay. Well, I finally worked up the strength and confidence to break up with him and get the hell out of a bad situation.

I am SO happy that I did, and I’m in a much happier place in my life. 

I really wish I would have had someone who would have shook me and told me to wake up! So I’m hoping that I can be that person that does so for you. I’m going to be honest and say once you break it off it’s going suck for the first few months and you’ll probably think about going back to him. You need to stay strong and keep yourself busy and reconnect with yourself. Do things that make you happy, and focus on finding yourself again. It’s a really great process and it can be hard at times but once you get through those few months you’ll feel amazing and realize how silly you were before. 

Don’t ever let a man define who you are. Be that strong beautiful woman that I know you are! You will find someone that will treat you right, I promise you that. Just please listen to me and leave. 

Feel free to message me if you have any questions, I’d be happy to help! 

 

Post # 184
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity.[1] Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

My ex did the same thing where he would deny he’d ever said the things he did. IMO it’s the most insidious form of abuse because it really makes you doubt yourself so much and it makes you feel like maybe you’re totally crazy. You have to learn to not listen to it and to know that it really DID happen. If you start doubting yourself, whenever he says something mean, write it down (or record him saying it if you can) so that you can SEE for yourself when he denies it that he really did say it and you’re not crazy. He’s only saying that stuff because HE’S crazy and he wants to break down your self worth because he knows if you get your self worth back you’ll never want to be with him.

Here is a book on gaslighting that looks helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Gaslight-Effect-Manipulation-ebook/dp/B000QCQ8X0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1358312750&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gaslight+effect

And there’s quite a bit of it available on google books:

http://books.google.com/books?id=-khhWM72pC8C&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_atb#v=onepage&q&f=false

Post # 186
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@shamushi:  

You’re a beautiful person, and will find someone that surpasses him. You’re doing yourself a favor by leaving him and you will be happier in the long run. Life is too short to not spend it with your perfect match. I was in a relationship like yours and felt hopeless when we broke it off, had insomnia for months, lost a ton of weight, but when I came out of the darkness I couldn’t believe that I had even been with him to begin with. You will be fine, and so much better off, I promise. And about the “taboo” issue of calling off a wedding- people who judge you a) don’t matter b)will not have to deal with the every day issues that you will if you marry him. This is the time that you should be on cloud 9, so the feeling you’re describing are indicative of what is to come. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so if you’re looking for something deeper in a relationship, keep that in mind. Stay strong!

Post # 187
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I feel like, unfortunately, you knew the answer to this question before you posted it simply just by the way you portray the situation :/ you seem thoroughly unhappy…Given, I’ve heard that planning is EXTREMELY stressful at times and there are bound to be disagreements on some major decisions and ugly sides will almost definitely come out … but, it’s also supposed to be a happy and reassuring time for you. he shouldn’t be a groom-zilla. not everything, especially the wedding, can be his way. there needs to be compromise. and if you aren’t getting that now in the planning stage, i don’t know if that’s something you’ll get later on in life in the relationship….maybe this is something to consider :/ maybe slow down the planning process?

 

i feel awful that you feel this way, i’m so sorry!

Post # 188
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Shamushi… I am only reiterating what others have said, but I’m going to do it in big letters because from your last post, you aren’t doing it. 

 
CUT HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

 
Do not pick up the phone to him, don’t call him, text him, or email. Delete his number, his address, get his number blocked. He does not deserve to breathe the same air as you and it’s time you realised it!

That last, panicky call? He’s playing on your insecurities. You are smarter than that – that’s why you left him in the first place. GET RID OF HIM FROM YOUR LIFE. Get rid of everything that reminds you of him – and I mean EVERYTHING. Photos, presents, everything.

 
If anything, that phone call says that all these Bees who have been giving you advice are 100% right. He is an abusive, arrogant, screwed up little man. He was never your best friend. He was never the right man for you. 

If I was locked in a cage, and the only thing I got fed every day was mushrooms (yuck), does that mean mushrooms are better for me than anything else? Just because that’s all I’m allowed?

 
He isolated you, honey. He locked you in that cage and all he fed you was nasty comments, intimidation and emotional abuse.

Time to break free. Cut him out, and don’t fall for any of those games. 

Post # 189
Member
641 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@shamushi:  In my experience, someone who SAYS they are a catch rarely is. You are doing the right thing and you’re being so strong! This will get easier and easier with time and distance.

Post # 190
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@shamushi:  the problem i have is that you mention your kids being secure in the future…my parents have been together for 20-some-odd years, and all i can remember of their relationship to this day was the amount of arguing and dispair i witnessed in their relationship. to this very day, they still don’t get along. even when it comes to simple things that you could normally disagree on and continue without a fight. these are things that not only effect you, but effect your children. when you are unhappy in a marriage, it hurts them the most. it killed me, and kills me even now, to watch my parents act the way that they do. and when i was younger, i used to beg them to just get a divorce so we could live a more simple life…it used to break my moms heart. all she wanted was for us to be secure and happy and live the “American dream” that most parents want for their children. unfortunately, most of my family-based memories are ones of terror, hiding in a closet to escape their constant disagreements, and feeling lost and alone. it’s your job to make the decisions in your life that will effect your children. but, remember, if you aren’t happy and your spouse isn’t happy, you aren’t the only one who suffers. this is a huge red flag…i hope you really take this into consideration :/ it would be a shame to marry someone just because you want to be secure and because you have “some good times.” my parents laugh from time to time, but the stress that it puts our family under is not worth it. at 23 years old, i would still tell them to get a divorce if i didn’t think i hadn’t already wasted my breath for the past 16 years.

Post # 192
Member
259 posts
Helper bee

@shamushi: Your EX fiance is right, you will never find someone like him again.  You are going to find someone who loves you, who cares about you, who values your opinion, who loves you and compliments you even when you look your worst, and someone who wants to build a life on both your hopes and dreams. You deserve so much better than your ex.

Post # 193
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Hi OP, I’ve been following your story quietly for a while now and wanted to give you my support and another story for you: I also left a 5-yr relationship with a man who controlled all our decisions, never complimented me, was untrustworthy, selfcentered, etc. and yet I still loved him and wanted to be with him. Our breakup was the worst time of my life, but then maybe 1.5yrs later I met Fiance and now think this time was the best of my life because I really defined what I wanted for myself and escaped what I now look back as dodging a bullet.

He constantly tries to blame you: you’ll never find someone like him, you’re losing out in all this, he doesn’t need you – it’s all GARBAGE and lies. He’s trying to manipulate you into taking him back with all his faults and to continue as it was. He’s not taking responsibility for his actions: this was his opportunity! He could have used this opportunity to take responsibility and really show you what he could offer you. He failed. His loss.

Keep us updated how you’re going – baby steps is good! Keep going! *hugs*

Post # 194
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

Your story and updates had me in tears!!! Keep us updated! I would say if he calls you any more not to pick up. Cut him out. You WILL find someone better than him.. almost any guy is better than that a**hole. Of course you’ll be going through withdrawl as he was a part of your life, but you will feel so much lighter and free and happy very soon!!! You definitely made the right decision. So proud of you. Happy Women’s Day (March 8th)

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