(Closed) CONSIDERING CALLING OFF THE WEDDING – HELP!!!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 92
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@shamushi: This too shall pass. Let yourself feel all of these feelings. It’s normal. Surround yourself with friends and family, avoid spending time alone, and try to fill your schedule with activities you enjoy. The only way out is through, unfortunately. But take solice in knowing that this is the best Christmas gift you could possibly give yourself: your life. Faith in yourself. It will get better, I promise you.

Post # 93
Member
1585 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@shamushi: You DID do the right thing. It’ll hurt a LOT. For a while. Just because you made the right decision doesn’t mean it is easy. You loved him, that doesn’t immediately fade.

 

With that said, you made the right choice. We will be here to support you, you can go talk to someone professional, you can find ways to get through this. But someday soon you will be on the other side of this and you’ll be glad you made this decision.

Post # 94
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@shamushi:  1) Do NOT marry this man – he is abusive. This will only get worse.

2) Get some counseling for yourself to figure out why you thik you’d love an abusive man

3) He has already shown you what kind of man he is – why would you want that?

4) I don’t think love is determined by “putting him before yourself”. That’s low self-esteem.

Post # 96
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

*hugs*   I know it hurts right now.  I’ve been there before.  I ended a very serious relationship because I was not being treated fairly in the relationship.  I was madly in love, but I knew that I didn’t want to live the rest of my life that way.   I know its hurts.  I know what its like to cry yourself to sleep every night and to feel empty.  Just know that you did the right thing. Know that it will get better, because it will get much, much better.   It just takes a little time.  

Post # 97
Member
4691 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Girl, I am so proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post # 99
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@shamushi: Call your best friend now. 

Seriously, do it. 

You should not be alone with this. We are here for you, of course, if you’d like to share more. But the best thing you can do right now is call you friends, parents, acquaintences, etc. Surround yourself with people. Also, make an appointment with a therapist immediately.

<3 <3

It will get easier.

Post # 100
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@shamushi: Also, be sure that coming to Weddingbee isn’t triggering worse thoughts in you. You may decide to step back from this forum and embrace a new one. Or you may continue here. 

Know that you are in very good company. Many, many bees have called off their weddings and they’ve all survived even though it’s incredibly painful. A quick search of “break-up” led to a few threads that might help you right nwo. You may also wish to start a thread of your own that calls attention to the fact that you just broke up with your SO and you need help getting it through the worst part. Here are some threads to read:

Breakup Advice & Support – please?

Breakup advice? 🙁

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/its-time-to-say-goodbye-we-called-it-quits (this is a recent thread from a current Bee, perhaps you can PM her and be support for each other)

There was also a recent-ish thread from someone who broke off her engagement about 6 months ago, about how she is now, emotionally. I wish I could find it, but I don’t have the time to search more. But if you’re looking for something to do, you may want to look into that & PM the Bee, who might have insight into getting over a long relationship.

Post # 101
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think you are confusing love with fear. You fear leaving him and you fear being alone and you fear being out of your comfort zone. I think you were under your parents care for so long, you became dependent on someone. And just so happens after them,  it became this guy. Do not confuse love with infatuation either. You love characteristics ABOUT him but not you AND him. You have not mentioned any good thing he does for you other than being there. You say you might be blinded by love, I think it is more like blinded by not knowing there are better guys out there than this guy.  

 

You say he doesn’t give up, that you guys solve the fight by the end of the night. It sounds more to me that you give in, apologize and it goes his way. It sounds to me like he isn’t “trying” and “not giving up” it is more like you are trying and you do whatever it takes to end the fight or argument.

 

I used to be very nice, to everyone. Girls, guys, people I just met. My then girlfriend (now fiancée) got mad. She asked if I would like it if she did the same, being very nice and almost flirty-like to everyone. I told her it was the way I was raised, as being nice and considerate. But she said those people don’t matter (especially friends of friends I just met, I would offer to buy them drinks, etc) and that I should put the efforts to her. I didn’t get this at first and thought she was being too much. But then I finally realized. Women just want to feel loved. Even if they know they aren’t the most attractive woman in the world…the man should make her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I didn’t understand until her uncle was sitting there. And we saw a very hot woman on the tv and everyone started complimenting and he goes, she is nothing compared to my wife. And my gf said that was so sweet and even though everyone knows the woman on tv was more attractive, in her uncle’s eyes, theres no one more attractive than his wife. Luckily I find my fiancée very beautiful but even in the mornings and without makeup, she is still beautiful but it is her smile and personality that make me love her more and more each day.

It sounds like you are ready to give up everything for him but it doesn’t sound like he is ready to give up everything for you. You went to counseling and wedding seminars by yourself?! What was the point of that? So you can do everything and fix everything for yourself? He obviously puts all the blame on you and thinks he is perfect. I think this is a problem. There seems to be no respect, compromise or communication. You got him a watch. It is the thought that counts. If my gf even gets me a thing out of the 25cent machine at the grocery store because it made her think of me, I think it is the sweetest thing and ill keep it forever. My desk has post it notes that she wrote “I love you” on that she made when she comes to  my work keep me company when I work late. No matter what it is, even a simple piece of paper, I would never just throw it in my backseat or in my drawer. I am always appreciative of what she does and I try to do it back.

 

You guys saw each other 1 day a week for dinner and a movie and tennis. Like another bee said,  you cant have conversations and get to know someone this way. For three years that’s what happened. So you asked “why is this all happening now?” it is because you never got a chance to see him enough or be on a personal enough level with him. Of course seeing someone once a week is exciting and you look forward to date night. But HAVING to see each other everyday is when you learn to live and love and compromise.

After my first year together, I saw my gf everyday. And that’s when he learned the most about each other but also learned to understand each other. Her and I come from different environments too to some extent and different ways of upbringing. My family is nice and hers are very blunt. We clashed at first but we learned to compromise. The most important thing is I saw progress. We fight less and learn how to avoid fights. That’s a sign to me about maturity, development and understanding. And it just gets better with time. The other day she said she was craving two restaurants. I was able to guess the exact two one the first try. She also knows my pet peeves and makes sure not to do them. Things like that make me feel like I know I have a great one and one who no matter what, like you said “through sickness and health” will be  there. HE sent you home? That sounds ridiculous and do you live with this guy?

He refuses to go out with your friends. Is he embarrassed of you or just doesn’t like them?Sounds like it could be both and both are problems too.

It is better to start at zero and be alone for a while than being unhappy for the next few years and possibly the rest of your life. For 3 years you guys saw each other once a week, never more and on the same day??…was he ever married before?

 

It is not cold feet. It is you realizing you are in a bad relationship. And even if you do LOVE him (maybe you love things about him but not actually him), someone once told me. “Sometimes love just isn’t enough” and that’s when I broke up with my highschool gf who was emotionally draining, dramatic, negative and verbally abusive.

 

Oh wow…just read the second page of comments. You broke up with him. Be strong. You did the right thing. I was “heartbroken” from my ex of 4 years. It took me a year of missing her and trying to “get over her”. But I realized I missed someone, not her specifically. I dated and soon realized I wasn’t missing much, if anything I was better off without her.  I look back and laugh at how much I endured and how stupid I was for staying with her for so long. I have found someone 1 million times better!

 

Go and have fun! Talk to friends. Find new friends. This is your time to be independent and do what you have always wanted. Learn to love yourself. Improve yourself. I went to the gym after breaking up with my old ex and people complimented on how great I looked since being single. It made me feel good about myself =)

 

Good luck! Keep us posted and when you feel like calling him…read this thread instead. It took me about an hour trying to do work and read and type! It should motivate you and keep you busy lol

Post # 102
Member
211 posts
Helper bee

You did the right thing!  If I had a dollar for every woman who, a few months after a break up, looked back and thought “what the f was I thinking, I should have broken up with him years ago”, I would be filthy stinking rich. 

When we are out of the relationship we have much more clarity and perspective than when we are right in the middle of it.  That is why for us bees it seemed super obvious that you needed to break up with him, but for you right now, it was a very difficult decision. 

In time I believe you will feel very good about your decision.  Until then please don’t retreat into your home.  Keep yourself busy, go out and do things and surround yourself with your besties. 

You are going to be okay, but be patient with yourself because it is going to take time.

HUGS

 

Post # 104
Member
2922 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

It is normal to miss him and remember the good things about him after you’ve broken up! But that doesn’t mean he is right for you. Write down all the hurtful, unsupportive things he has said and done and re-read it to remind yourself why you broke it off — there were very good reasons for you to end things.

Post # 105
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@shamushi: Please do not get back together with him. Just because he’s upset does not mean he’s right for you.

Post # 106
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I agree, write down everything bad he has done. And if you want to. Write down the TRUE good things he has done for YOU. I.E. “He surprised me with flowers” “He took my mom to the airport” etc.

 

It sounds to me he sees your weakness and your dependence on him and he is making you feel guilty. It is the essence of verbal abuse…making the other feel like they can never get anything better and that they are the best thing. He is essentially putting your feelings down and saying he is too good for you and if you dont decide in a week, he is moving on.

 

If he truly loved you, he wouldnt put an expiration date on it. 10 years from now, if you guys get married, is he going to put an expiration date on everything? Or else he will leave or move on?That’s not how it should work.

 

Be strong and tell him you deserve better. Honestly you do.

 

Or else, prove us wrong and tell us some of the TRULY GOOD things he HAS done. FOR YOU. Not to other people or in his life. Tell us a compliment he has told you. Tell us a good time where you felt butterflies in your stomach and that you were the luckiest girl in the world. Tell us a time he was reassuring. Tell us a time he made you blush. Tell us a time he surprised you. Tell us a time when you couldnt sleep because you were so happy.  To me, it sounds like there isnt very much.

 

You feel hurt and alone. I dont think you “realized how much you loved him” in the last week…i think you realized how weird it feels to be away from him. That isnt love. Please do yourself a favor and all of us and be strong….

 

I am not trying to sound mean but I think everyone here reads and whats you to move on.

 

He is 40. Why hasnt he found someone else if he is “such a catch”?

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