(Closed) Considering cancelling wedding due to in-laws

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I tihnk cancelling the wedding is the worst thing you could do.

1. They are right to want to be involved. They will be a part of your family. Weddings are about families coming together. I think you need to throw them a bone.

2. Weddings are also about establishing boundaries with family so that you and your Fiance can create your own family. Cancelling the wedding will do nothing but blow things up in a horribly immature way. You need to set healthy boundaries while compromising a little – do the adult thing.

3. You say you are trying to compromise, but it doesn’t sound like you are. At all. Can’t have your cake and eat it too. Why does it matter that you have one more bridesmaid? Why does your future SIL’s insecurity about her weight get you down? Be confident in yourself and your choices. Don’t let an 18-year-old get the best of you.

Your struggles with his mom aren’t about the wedding, they are about you taking over as the dominant woman in his life. Eloping won’t change that. Cancelling the wedding won’t help the situation. You need to be an adult and act like husband and wife, and draw the lines with his mom together.

Post # 4
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Hi – I’m sorry you are having a difficult time.  Reading this type of thing makes me feel truly blessed to have great in-laws.

I think a sit down conversation with your Fiance and his family is in order to understand their desires. Then the TWO of you can best decide how to “include” them.  It is up to the two of you to make decisions.  If they are not contriibuting financially then they don’t really get a final say in anything.  Many, many people have opinions on things but it’s up to you to decide what works best for you.

I also do not agree that you should have his sister as a bridesmaid just to appease them.  Bridesmaids are hugely important to me and not a role to be taken lightly. I think i would limit how much (if anything) you discuss with your Future Mother-In-Law regarding the wedding. 

Future Mother-In-Law: I want to come dress shopping with you.

YOU:  Oh – I’m sorry.  I’m not making a traditional wedding dress shopping trip.  I’m likely going to order one online.

I agree that this is a time to establish boundries and you and your Fiance will need to work very diligently at this.  I am jealous of anyone who just elopes.  I would do it if my Fiance would let us!!!

 

Post # 6
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I think you need to put your foot down and let them know they’re crossing the line.

Yes, involve them — but on your terms, it is your wedding after all.  I don’t think you should give your wedding up just because you’re frustrated with them

Just make sure to explaini to your fiance you want to do it your way but you really appreciate his family trying to help.

Post # 7
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@crayfish: I completely agree that cancelling the wedding would be a bad idea and would do nothing for the OP’s relationship with her future in-laws.

@snoie: Why don’t you let your future in-laws throw a bridal shower for you?  If they’re so excited about you becoming part of their family, and really want to be involved, then just let them throw you a shower–they’ll be delighted, and it’ll give them something to do.  Or if someone else is already planning a shower for you, then have them talk to your Future Mother-In-Law so she can bring food/wine/decorations.

It does sound like your Future Mother-In-Law is being unreasonable in some ways–25 minutes is not that far of a drive, you should go dress shopping with whomever you want, you are supposed to choose your own bridesmaids, and your Future Mother-In-Law should not be calling your wedding coordinator.  But you’re about to be in their family too, so you need to carefully pick your battles.  If I were in your position, I would ask my Fiance to kindly let his mom know that she should not call your wedding coordinator.  However, like crayfish said about the bridesmaid issue, I might just suck it up and ask your FI’s sister to be in the wedding party if you think it would smooth things out.  There’s no right or wrong # of attendants and it sounds like it would make both of them very happy.

Good luck dealing with everything, and try not to burn any bridges!

Post # 8
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Do NOT cancel your wedding. That is you running away from the in-laws. Even after you are married they will still find other ways to drive you crazy, you can’t avoid it. And then they will hang it over your head for the rest of your life. You sound like you know what you want- so go GET IT! I agree with trying to throw them a bone- but you know your limits, you don’t want them dress shopping, and you don’t want the little sister in your bridal party. Give them something to do to help out that you are *comfortable* with. My cousin really wants to help- so I’m letting her make my veil… just give them a task so they feel included. It helps if its something you really don’t want to deal with anyway- so you are glad to give it up and you really are glad they are helping.

You need to stand up for yourself. Don’t let them control you or your Fiance. Try to make the most of it but don’t feel bad about saying No to things.

I would also call all your vendors and tell them NOT to speak to your in-laws. Let them know that they may call and that they are not paying for anything. Tell your vendor to tell your In-Laws that they can only speak with the bride.

Post # 9
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Don’t cancel over this! I can totally relate as I had the very same thoughts and feelings until a good friend of mine reminded me of something – I love HIM and it is not HIS fault that his family is this way. Yes, his family comes along with him as a package deal but you don’t have to see them everyday (at least I hope not). His mom wanted to go dress shopping with me too and she was so offended when I told her that I bought a dress. She took over total control of the shower without ever speaking to my mom. She puts her two cents in everytime (about recieving lines, ceremony seating, food choices, decor, etc.) and it irritates me to no end! That’s why we need to move soon after the wedding! I can totally relate to you…vent….get it all out!

Post # 11
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Yikes.  This sounds like a sticky situation.  I understand that you want the wedding you (never) wanted, and that they are not paying for the wedding itself, so should not have a large say.  However, I think you should find some wedding things that they can help with.  It is your wedding, but it is also the wedding of their son.  I understand their wanting to be involved.

Let them plan the rehearsal dinner without limitations.  My future in-laws are.  They haven’t asked my opinion and honestly I don’t expect them to.  They are paying for the party. 

Personally, I would include his sister in the bridal party.  It is her brother’s wedding. I know that I want to be in my brother and sister’s weddings. I think it’s a very easy concession to make, and not including her could lead to a lifetime of hurt feelings, and she is just a child (ok, young adult).

Can I ask why you didn’t want his mother going to look at gowns with you?  It seems like an easy thing to include her in.  Was there concern over her attitude/criticism?  Or do your mothers not get along?

Maybe the posts aren’t really all-inclusive or clear, but it reads as though you’re not really making any compromises.  I’m learning through my wedding planning that families merging = big time compromises Laughing

Post # 12
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@snoie: How does your Fiance feel about eloping?

Post # 14
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@snoie: If he’s ok with you eloping and you want to, then do it. BUT if you are deciding to elope to avoid family drama, there’s really no point to it… families will create drama with or without a weddding. And it may create more drama if they miss out on a wedding- a really important event in their child’s life.

Don’t feel like a jerk, because you are not. It is YOUR wedding. The people around you should want to help make it a special day for YOU and  your Fiance… its really NOT about them or what they want especially because they are not paying. Include them yes, but in a way that you are comfortable. Do not allow them to stress you out. Just say no firmly, but soften the blow with that you would like them to help in other ways and once you have done a little more research you will contact them for help. Don’t allow them to make you feel like less of a good person because what you want isn’t what they want. You are not making these decisions to hurt them, you are doing it because you have a certain vision of your wedding and because you want personal time with your family.

Do include them, but again, include them on YOUR terms– and don’t feel bad about it!

Post # 15
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Oh and I forgot to mention, I have a Bridesman on my side! I asked him to be a groomsman but he wanted to be with me. So I said ok. I’ve known him for over 10 years and he’s a really good friend of mine. I thought I made up the term “Bridesman” but when I looked on line a lot of people were doing it these days. I’m going to pick out a more colorful tux for him so its clear he is one of mine.

If he wants to include his sister he could put her in a black and white dress so its closer to the tux colors to make clear she is on his side and NOT a Bridesmaid or Best Man. And that will work out better to try to make things more even in your wedding party. You can have her stand on his side and hang out with him before hand. The experience will probably mean more to her that way because she will get to spend more time with her brother on his wedding day.

 

Post # 16
Member
1328 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You Fiance needs to be the one to talk to them, moreso than yourself.  You can only do so much to stand up for yourself, but he needs to be able to put his family in place. 

You both need to be entering this marriage on the same page, so I suggest sitting down with Fiance to discuss how its going to be approached.  Tell him your concerns.  If he can’t reign them now, then it will only get worse after you marry. 

I’ve had issues with in-laws (only a couple), but Fiance and I had a long sit down to discuss and now we have come up with a plan if something should occur again.  We’re on a united front.

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