Post # 1
Sorry this is going to be long. As the title states, I (29F) am considering divorcing my husband (31M) of 8 months. However, I feel that he has done nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve to have his heart broken. I have just simply fallen out of love. This is a long story that goes back about 10 years. Husband and I started dating when I was 19 and he was 21. Everything was great for a while. Our relationship was never very “passionate” in the traditional sense. We started out as friends. He made me feel safe and comfortable and that was enough for me. Not long before I’d met him, I was sexually assaulted with a weapon. My now husband was the first man that I was able to trust and feel secure with after that incident. I fell in love with the fact that he was so kind, caring, patient, and non-threatening. He showed genuine concern for me and I felt such a deep bond with him at the time. Fast forward about 2 years into our relationship, my husband (then boyfriend) broke up with me for seemingly no reason. To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. I was so depressed that I almost had to take the semester off from school. He was my safety and my best friend and my everything at the time. I kept trying to convince him to work it out with me and he kept telling me that he just wanted to be single. I couldn’t understand it. Finally, he admitted that he had been seeing another girl. I was so heartbroken I felt like I was actually grieving. I ended up going home for a while to get support from my family and he ended up calling me saying he made a mistake by leaving me and he wanted to ask for forgiveness and see if we could work it out. At this point, I was still so upset about the breakup that I immediately went back to him, which I now know was a mistake. Over the course of the next 3 years, he ended up going back and forth between me and the other girl more times than I can count (many times I didn’t know about until much later). Not only that, but he also admitted to having numerous one night stands with other girls while being in a relationship with me (also not until long after the fact). If you met this man you would never believe he was capable of this. He is so gentle, quiet, and sweet. Anyway, after learning about all of this, I was basically done and we didn’t talk for months. Until around late 2017 when he swore he’d changed and wanted to start all over again with me. I don’t know why I didn’t think I deserved better than this, but I stupidly decided to take one last chance on him. From what I could tell, he seemed to have changed completely. Since 2017, I have not noticed any signs of cheating and I have not been suspicious of him whatsoever. In fact he has been doing everything right. He put up with my rage and anger and resentment towards him like a champ (I am no longer angry, but when I was, he handled it well). He takes care of me and doesn’t judge me. The past 3 years, he has been fine. He even proposed to me and we got married in 2019. The thing is, my feelings started to slowly dwindle and I knew I had my doubts before we got married, but I figured it was just cold feet. Now 8 months into the marriage, I feel that I have lost all feelings towards my husband. He always tries to be so affectionate with me, but I have this aversion towards him. It’s to the point that I almost get annoyed when he keeps trying to hug me and rub me evry moment. I feel bad because he is doing everything right, and I feel that he has worked hard to make amends and I made the choice to forgive him and move past it when I married him. However, I just can’t help but feeling like I have gradually been losing so much love and romantic feeling towards him over the past few years. I don’t know what to do now because I made a commitment, however, I don’t think I am happy with my husband. I don’t know how counseling could fix anything because he’s literally doing nothing wrong at the moment. He treats me well and spoils me. I’m not sure why I just don’t feel like I can love him anymore. The other day, I went to go spend a few days visiting my parents by myself and I almost didn’t want to leave. I had no desire to go back home to my husband. I honestly feel that I will be happier apart, but I am so afraid to hurt him. I know he doesn’t want to divorce. I used to fear the shame and stigma of divorcing so soon, but now I don’t care. I just want to make the right decision for both of us in the long run. Has anyone else ever been in a scenario like this? I feel like I can’t even comprehend my own emotions right now.
Post # 2
wow. that’s a lot to carry around inside one relationship. First of all have you gone to therapy at all? it sounds like you’re carrying a lot of emotional pain around. Therapy with a kind therapist who can help you talk through all of this would probably do a lot of good.
Secondly you were still so young at 19 and your entire young adulthood it sounds like has been consumed by this relationship which is full of so many ups and downs, and requires that you keep putting up with his wants. Its ok to want that to stop. Even if he’s nice now, he put you through a lot. People change a lot during their 20s. Its ok to get a divorce.
Post # 3
Hello Bee, I’m so sorry to hear about the emotional roller coaster you’ve had with your husband.
From your rundown of things, yes, I think you should divorce him, and no I don’t think you need to have guilt.
Have you considered counseling? You can only get full clarity of this situation and dependency with a professional. You two have certainly experienced a lot, and can’t have a 10 year relationship written off just like that.
Post # 4
I think you need counselling. And then maybe a couple one. Have you talked to your husband about all this? I think you need to figure out what you need to do and want out of your life with him. Sounds like you are checked out already.
Post # 5
I think I might be checked out and that scares and saddens me. In the past throughout our ups and downs, I was always too afraid to be too vocal because he always had one foot out the door to go be with the other girl. I didn’t want to be difficult and give him an excuse to leave. Things have changed drastically now though. I can tell that now he is trying really hard to hold on tight to me and this relationship, but now it is I who has a foot out the door and idk how to fall back in love with him or if I even want to.
Post # 7
Not sure why, but your comment made me cry. Just… thank you so much for this. I have not been to therapy. I tried once, but it wasn’t a good fit.
Post # 8
I got divorced after 2.5 years and the biggest help for me to know with 100% certainty that it was the right decision was therapy.
Find a therapist and start working through your feelings on your relationship. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling, but you need to figure out why. Not only because this could help your marriage, but it will definitely help you in future relationships so that you don’t make the same mistakes again.
I don’t recommend couples therapy right now. If you find with individual therapy that you are feeling like you want to attempt to make the marriage work, then you can explore that option.
I realize that 10 years of your life seems like forever, but you have a very long life ahead of you to be unhappy.
My divorce was by far the hardest time in my life, but it was the best decision I made for myself.
Post # 9
Oh yes dear bee individual therapy is something you should definitely be reconsidering. I know it wasn’t a good fit last time but one therapist doesn’t fit all. Finding a good therapist is like finding the perfect shoe…..you just need to “try them out” for a session or two. If you’re not feeling it move on to the next. I definitely think you should find a therapist who specialises in trauma as I think that your assualt has lent to many of your decisions. Please find a counselor asap.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Just know, you don’t need some hard excuse like cheating or abuse to leave a relationship. Your reasons are YOUR reasons and you don’t need to apologize or make excuses for them. Hugs bee….this period won’t last forever just do what you need to do.
Post # 10
His feelings are what you are using to try to excuse you not taking the leap to end things and be happy. In reality he never considered your feelings when he repeatedly cheated on you. So why are you so worried about his feelings now?
Even from a being kind standpoint, he should be free to find the person who will really cherish him too. Ending things is in your best interest but also his. Thinking you need to stay to spare him is actually a pretty ego centered way of thinking. He will move on, he will be fine. Don’t give yourself so much credit to think you ending things will ruin him forever. It won’t. Do what’s best for your happiness, get some support in therapy.
Post # 11
Thanks everyone! As strange as it is, I am still concerned about his feelings. I never considered how it could be an egotistical perspective but that’s actually an interesting point. How do I break the news? I’ve never broken up with someone before let alone asking for a divorce. My concern is that he will fight for the marriage and I won’t be able to stay strong. I’d love to try therapy again but can’t afford it right now
Post # 12
Oh wow, I’m so sorry.
This is what I think is happening here. Because of your assault, you developed a fear and mistrust of men, and gravitated toward your husband who made you feel safe. You depended on him emotionally, physically, and psychologically. It’s like you were drowning in the middle of the ocean and he was your raft. By being with him, you were protecting yourself. However, he proved that he wasn’t what he seemed. By cheating on you, he completely betrayed you. This is why you had such a difficult time – his status from protector and trusted partner to someone who was actively causing you pain likely re-traumatized you so that you were dealing with emotions from your assault that you had not yet come to terms with. Because if you can’t trust him, if he isn’t your safe space anymore…who can you trust, and where can you be safe?
Your raft started to leak air and you were taking on water. During such emotional turmoil, it’s human to grasp as hard as you can to what you believe you need to be ok. The combination of rejection, trying to prove yourself worthy, jealousy, fear of other men, and the thrill of the few good times are a heady cocktail and it’s easy to get drunk on it. At this point it’s not even about loving someone, it’s about not losing. It’s about healing your sense of self. So you continue to fight because who you are has become so entangled in this man. You are fighting to save yourself by staying on this crappy raft.
However, that’s not real love. That’s desperation. You stopped loving him long ago. When you were apart, when you stopped talking to him, that was like putting your feet on land after years adrift. It’s confusing and terrifying, and so it makes sense that you went back to him in 2017, you were trying to recapture that sense of safety. But that time apart did its work. Now you can see him for what he is – just a leaky raft. You are starting to realize that you don’t need him. You are coming to terms with the fact that no matter how many patches are put on it, it still leaks and you can still drown. You don’t need him to stay afloat, and depending on him will only leave you at the bottom of the sea. You are strong enough to put your feet on dry land, and I highly suggest you do so. Find a good therapist, get a divorce, and strike out on your own. Good luck.
Post # 13
Two wrongs don’t make a right, Bee. Just because he didn’t consider your feelings the way he should have doesn’t mean you have to be okay with trampling his. I think you’re taking a very kind approach here, and it will serve you better in the long run to know you really thought this out before acting on wanting a divorce.
I would encourage you to explore options for therapy. Insurance, work resources, anything.
Post # 14
I’m just going to add a link of ideas for affordable therapy: https://www.psycom.net/how-to-find-affordable-therapy/
Also there’s http://www.NAMI.org They may be helpful in finding affordable therapy
Post # 15
Hi bee, I think you’ve gotten some good advice from the bees before me, but I just wanted to stop by and add: yes it’s okay that you’re feeling this way, and yes divorce is okay even if it’s so soon. Don’t stay anywhere you’re not happy and fulfilled. I agree therapy will help you work through this – don’t be afraid to do what feels right for you. You have a long beautiful life ahead of you!