Considering divorce after less than a year and feeling guilty :/

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

wow. that’s a lot to carry around inside one relationship. First of all have you gone to therapy at all? it sounds like you’re carrying a lot of emotional pain around. Therapy with a kind therapist who can help you talk through all of this would probably do a lot of good.

Secondly you were still so young at 19 and your entire young adulthood it sounds like has been consumed by this relationship which is full of so many ups and downs, and requires that you keep putting up with his wants. Its ok to want that to stop. Even if he’s nice now, he put you through a lot. People change a lot during their 20s. Its ok to get a divorce.

Post # 3
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Hello Bee, I’m so sorry to hear about the emotional roller coaster you’ve had with your husband.

From your rundown of things, yes, I  think you should divorce him, and no I don’t think you need to have guilt. 

Have you considered counseling? You can only get full clarity of this situation and dependency with a professional. You two have certainly experienced a lot, and can’t have a 10 year relationship written off just like that.

Post # 4
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think you need counselling. And then maybe a couple one. Have you talked to your husband about all this? I think you need to figure out what you need to do and want out of your life with him. Sounds like you are checked out already. 

Post # 8
3760 posts
Honey bee

I got divorced after 2.5 years and the biggest help for me to know with 100% certainty that it was the right decision was therapy.

Find a therapist and start working through your feelings on your relationship.  There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling, but you need to figure out why.  Not only because this could help your marriage, but it will definitely help you in future relationships so that you don’t make the same mistakes again.

I don’t recommend couples therapy right now.  If you find with individual therapy that you are feeling like you want to attempt to make the marriage work, then you can explore that option.

I realize that 10 years of your life seems like forever, but you have a very long life ahead of you to be unhappy.  

My divorce was by far the hardest time in my life, but it was the best decision I made for myself.  

Post # 9
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Oh yes dear bee individual therapy is something you should definitely be reconsidering.  I know it wasn’t a good fit last time but one therapist doesn’t fit all.  Finding a good therapist is like finding the perfect shoe… just need to “try them out” for a session or two.  If you’re not feeling it move on to the next.  I definitely think you should find a therapist who specialises in trauma as I think that  your assualt has lent to many of your decisions.  Please find a counselor asap.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.  Just know, you don’t need some hard excuse like cheating or abuse to leave a relationship.  Your reasons are YOUR reasons and you don’t need to apologize or make excuses for them.  Hugs bee….this period won’t last forever just do what you need to do.

Post # 10
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

His feelings are what you are using to try to excuse you not taking the leap to end things and be happy. In reality he never considered your feelings when he repeatedly cheated on you. So why are you so worried about his feelings now? 
Even from a being kind standpoint, he should be free to find the person who will really cherish him too. Ending things is in your best interest but also his. Thinking you need to stay to spare him is actually a pretty ego centered way of thinking. He will move on, he will be fine. Don’t give yourself so much credit to think you ending things will ruin him forever. It won’t. Do what’s best for your happiness, get some support in therapy. 

Post # 12
1855 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@anonforreasons5450:  Oh wow, I’m so sorry. 

This is what I think is happening here. Because of your assault, you developed a fear and mistrust of men, and gravitated toward your husband who made you feel safe. You depended on him emotionally, physically, and psychologically. It’s like you were drowning in the middle of the ocean and he was your raft. By being with him, you were protecting yourself. However, he proved that he wasn’t what he seemed. By cheating on you, he completely betrayed you. This is why you had such a difficult time – his status from protector and trusted partner to someone who was actively causing you pain likely re-traumatized you so that you were dealing with emotions from your assault that you had not yet come to terms with. Because if you can’t trust him, if he isn’t your safe space anymore…who can you trust, and where can you be safe?

Your raft started to leak air and you were taking on water. During such emotional turmoil, it’s human to grasp as hard as you can to what you believe you need to be ok. The combination of rejection, trying to prove yourself worthy, jealousy, fear of other men, and the thrill of the few good times are a heady cocktail and it’s easy to get drunk on it. At this point it’s not even about loving someone, it’s about not losing. It’s about healing your sense of self. So you continue to fight because who you are has become so entangled in this man. You are fighting to save yourself by staying on this crappy raft. 

However, that’s not real love. That’s desperation. You stopped loving him long ago. When you were apart, when you stopped talking to him, that was like putting your feet on land after years adrift. It’s confusing and terrifying, and so it makes sense that you went back to him in 2017, you were trying to recapture that sense of safety. But that time apart did its work. Now you can see him for what he is – just a leaky raft. You are starting to realize that you don’t need him. You are coming to terms with the fact that no matter how many patches are put on it, it still leaks and you can still drown. You don’t need him to stay afloat, and depending on him will only leave you at the bottom of the sea. You are strong enough to put your feet on dry land, and I highly suggest you do so. Find a good therapist, get a divorce, and strike out on your own. Good luck. 

Post # 13
1708 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
@anonforreasons5450:  Two wrongs don’t make a right, Bee. Just because he didn’t consider your feelings the way he should have doesn’t mean you have to be okay with trampling his. I think you’re taking a very kind approach here, and it will serve you better in the long run to know you really thought this out before acting on wanting a divorce. 

I would encourage you to explore options for therapy. Insurance, work resources, anything. 

Post # 15
50 posts
Worker bee

Hi bee, I think you’ve gotten some good advice from the bees before me, but I just wanted to stop by and add: yes it’s okay that you’re feeling this way, and yes divorce is okay even if it’s so soon. Don’t stay anywhere you’re not happy and fulfilled. I agree therapy will help you work through this – don’t be afraid to do what feels right for you. You have a long beautiful life ahead of you! 

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