Considering divorce after less than a year and feeling guilty :/

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee

Bee he sounds like your security blanket more than anything. Sorry, but cheated on you multiple times with the same girl over years, has one night stands, and breaks your heart and begs to be taken back just to do it again is not someone who spoils you and treats you right. I could never stay with someone who continually disrespected me again and again like that. You have to sort out your own feelings but as an outsider this is a marriage that shouldn’t have taken place to begin with. 

Post # 17
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

I’m not qualified to diagnose anything, but it sounds like you might have depression. Before breaking up the marriage, my suggestion would be to have a full medical checkup with thyroid and hormone testing along with it. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a difficult time.

Post # 18
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I have a different view than most here.

Contrary to every movie we see, love is a choice. Sometimes, its a very easy choice, which makes us believe its based in emotion. And most of the time, when we’re dating, it feels very easy and very emotional. 

In the difficult moments, however, it can be as intentional of a choice as making a cup of coffee. Sometimes we have to choose to love and sometimes that choice is hard. 

We have a saying America “Love is blind.” But a love that is real sees all. When you know someone’s flaws and love them anyway, that is real love.

This is an opportunity to make your love very real. You know your husband’s flaws. His past sins. His hurtful behaivor to you. Loving him now is as real as love gets. 

I too would suggest some counseling. I would select a Christian counselor. The Christian worldview is all about forgiveness, redemption and new life. I think you both need all 3 to give your relationship the powerful restart it deserves.

Post # 19
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I really strongly disagree with PP about getting religion involved but I’m against all organised religions, no matter how well or how much people argue against it. 

Anyway. 

I can totally get why you’d divorce but can understand if you choose to stay. Get some 1:1 counselling for yourself to help figure this out. For me I’d be divorcing him as I wouldn’t be able to trust him in the hard times that all relationships inevitably experience whether due to disagreements or stresses from outside your relationship. I’d always wonder if he was seeing someone or looking up hook-ups in the area like a lot of bees seem to have posted about recently. 

Either way, you deserve to respect yourself and to trust yourself to do what’s best for you. As Frozen 2 says, when it’s hard all you can do is the next right thing, and only you know what that is for you. 

Good luck OP.

Post # 20
Member
7551 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You can’t afford to not pursue therapy right now, Bee. It’s certainly less expensive than divorce. (I’m divorced.)

You’ve been through a lot, Bee, and you owe it to yourself to explore at least some of it before making major life decisions.

Post # 21
Member
9 posts
Newbee

You seem quite concerned about breaking his heart when, for many years, he didn’t seem concerned about breaking yours. It’s not surprising that you have lost feelings for him despite him being everthing you always wanted him to be. The fact is, for most of your relationship, he wasn’t. 

You were giving him your best while he was betraying you in the worst way. Perhaps it’s too late for him now. Him giving you his best now doesn’t erase the damage he’s done. 

Maybe some therapy would be a good idea to help unpack all these feelings, and determine whether your marriage is salvageable. He’s done a lot of damage, and it’s going to take a long time to heal from that. They say it can take 2-5 years to recover from infidelity so you’re still very much going through the healing process.

 

Post # 22
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

I got divorced after 1.5 years. I had this gut feeling at the alter.. but I felt it’s what I should do and what was right. I felt guilted into marrying him- by myself.. he had hurt me- and now he was wanting to be who I had been needing and wanting him to be!!? He has cried numerous times pleading for us to stay together and follow through with marriage. There was just too much water under the bridge. I did marry him. We did counseling at a church I was then attending- and private counseling.. i finally just said screw it this is my life. He still wishes we could be together, I feel more clear than ever that I made the right decision. My divorce was finalized November 2016. I work on accepting my choices and trying not to live in regret.. we can’t change decisions but we don’t have to keep living unhappily if we hold the power to change the circumstances. I know it’s not easy. This will pass. 

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