Post # 1
Hello fellow bees I have a quandry and I am hoping to get some insight and prespective. Here goes:
One of my BFF asked me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor for her July 2012 wedding. I won’t go into all of the details but basically she is accepting the engagement because she loves the guy (but is not in love with him) and she feels she is getting old (she is only 32). She continues to sleep with other men and her and her fiance live in different states. I have been very open and honest with her about my disapproval of the relationship in general and specifically in regards to the infildelity. Regardless she is my friend; I love her and I want to support her.
Just to add another twist to the story, earlier this year she asked me twice in the same month to borrow money. I gave her the money then did not hear from her for over a month. I re-initiated the contact (hey did you get the money I sent you? how are things now?, etc).
Now we are 2 1/2 months before her wedding and when I ask her about her wedding plans she says they are “non-existant” – no ceremony location, no dress, nada. Today I asked her was she still planning on getting married this July, her response was yes and that she is working on finding a location but one of the issues is that she has no idea how many people she plans to invite. *face palm*
Now I am wondering just what exactly is my responsibilty to be a Maid/Matron of Honor for my friend? I am getting married in Sept and I am waaay ahead of her in term of my wedding planning. Also with my own wedding soon approaching I don’t have 1k+ to spend on a wedding that I don’t think should happen.
What would you do bees? I am open to suggestions, comments, advice. If you think I should drop out – how would you bring it up?
Post # 3
If you are thinking of dropping out you should do so quickly. You may or may not be aware of things she may have planned. Be honest with her. Tell her that with your own wedding coming, you can’t afford to do both weddings, but you would be honored to be a guest.
Tell her, you would be happy to still support her with planning ideas where you can.
I wouldn’t bring up the disapproval thing, I think that is just setting up for bad feelings.
Post # 4
I would drop out. I am a firm believer that people standing up in weddings for other people should 100% support them and the marriage. You already told her you do not, and for very valid reasons. I would just say that her wedding is very close to yours, and you both should devote attention to your own weddings, while still being there and having fun at the each other’s (hopefully put a bit more sensitively, but hopefully you know what I mean).
Good luck! I understand it’s a hard thing…but it sounds like if she has no plans for an upcoming July wedding (that’s soon!), her Maid/Matron of Honor may end up carrying the burden and it should not be you…planning your own is enough work in itself! I’m sorry!
Post # 5
agreed.. I wish everyone would have told me going into an obvious for the wrong reason marriage with my 1st husband.. My friends all waited until after-the-fact of a failed marriage.. I mean, who knows if I would have listend because ‘love’ can be blind BUT atleast you will be honest and trustworthy by communicating with her.
Post # 6
@MrsTimmy: actually I do know what she has planned – nothing. As of today I asked her “when you say your wedding plans are non existent, what exactly do you mean?”…and yeah…as of today she has picked her wedding date and colors. As for the disapproval, she asked my opinion and I gave it. I hate voicing such a judgmental opinion but as her friend I could do no less.
@madtowngirl: Thanks for the advice @LAPhoto: I appreciate your prospective.
I think that I should drop-out ASAP so that if she does get married she can find a replacement for me but Fiance recommends saying nothing and let the ‘situation run its course’ meaning that since she isn’t doing wedding planning anyway the wedding will not happen and I won’t have to look like the bad guy.
Have other bees been asked to be a part of a wedding and the bride did not plan the event (or planned it very late)? Her wedding is in 109 more days and counting but without a ceremony or reception location, she cannot even print her invites. Are there any other bees who have been in or heard about a similar situation?
Post # 7
I would definitely drop out. Without knowing all the details, the situation just seems disastrous. She’s marrying a man and sleeping with other guys! How could she do that if she really loves this man she’s engaged to? Would he marry her if he knew? I know this sounds harsh again, but it sounds like it would be a disaster, not just the wedding but the relationship. I would want to talk to the guy if he’s being cheated on, and I’d also definitely not go to the wedding, not so much because of the late planning, but the infidelity. How could there be trust?
Post # 8
Drop out! Why stand in a wedding when you don’t support the marriage (I wouldn’t either)??
Post # 9
@wittyacronym: is a very difficult situation to be in, Is this friend in your wedding party as well, seeing as she asked you to be her MOH?? You need to look closely at the friendship that you have with this person as any negativity on your side could be taken the wrong way by your friend.
I was recently supposed to be in one of my best friends weddings and I knew the wedding was not going to happen. Eventually as things continued to deteriorate in the relationship, she ended up cancelling the wedding. I had to tell her at the time, that I was not going to waste money on dresses and showers for a wedding that wasn’t going to happen. I did not want to hurt my friend, but it was something that had to be said. In the end she didn’t marry the guy and instead of planning her bachlorette, I am responsible for planning her “OMG that was close” party at the end of the month.
Be sensitive to your friend, I know theres infidelity and he rest of it, but you said that she loves the guy. Don’t lose your friendship over this conversation. Support her, i’m sure she’s feeling horrible that nothing is set for a July wedding.
In the end, if you do not agree with her decision, the choice is hers to make; but it’s also yours to make if you want to be a part of her special day or not.
Post # 10
My cousin was in the same situation, only difference was my cousin was not getting married. She dropped out of the wedding and she also spoke with the bride and told her that she obviously is not ready to get married if she is still sleeping with other men and she didn’t want to spend money on a wedding that she thought would not last. The bride totally understood where she was coming from and actually a few days later she postponed the wedding.
Post # 11
@fullyalive: I continue to encourage my friend to be honest with her Fiance – about the infidility *mumble, mumble*…and other things. *sigh* but I do not feel it is my place to inform her SO about her actions.
@Sminthy: No she is not going to be in my wedding. I’m not having Bridesmaid or Best Man so it is a totally separate issue.
I don’t want to lose my friend but I feel torn between comforting and supporting my friend and wanting to shake her really hard. I think the best thing to do for now is nothing. It is her life.
Thanks bees for your support. I may update this string if/when the wedding takes place.
Post # 12
I would drop out and explain to her why. Don’t second guess your decision and feel bad about it – there is no reason to. Dropping out is perfectly justifiable.
Post # 13
I might be the minority here… but I think she herself isn’t sure about getting married. That’s why she hasn’t booked her venue, food, or anything. She seems very irresponsible and uncommited, why would she be ready for marriage? Once she gets married, it would be harder for her to keep sleeping with other guys (unless she is very sneaky and her FH trusts her very much) and it seems like she isn’t ready to leave that kind of lifestyle yet.
I agree with you to do nothing at all… since there is a high probability that she will cancel or delay the wedding soon.
Post # 14
I spoke with my friend last week and she decided to post-pone the the wedding. I had not shared with her that it was unlikely I was going to be able to participate anyway. She was very emotional when she shared the news and I was able to be supportive during her time of need. I am so glad I did not spend any money or excessive time stressing about this situation.
Both parties decided it would be too rushed to get everything done in time. They also decided to take more time to work on the relationship and the future.
I appreciate the advice and support from everyone.
Post # 15
thats good she postponed the wedding to work on their relationship and not cause a sticky situation for u.