Post # 1
Going undercover as this is an odd issue for me. My husbands brother just got remarried at 44. He has always wanted kids but his previous wife did not, which was a big reason for their divorce. He just married a woman who is 33, thinking it would be no problem to have kids. They wanted to start trying immediately because of his age. They haven’t been able to conceive and have just finished trying IVF for the second time. I don’t know what exactly the specifics are as to why they can’t conceive, but I think it’s something on both their ends, more so with her eggs, and it’s been super frustrating for them both. They aren’t interested in adoption as she is dying to be pregnant and they want some biological connection to the child. I have volunteered to her being an egg donor, which she was grateful for. My Brother-In-Law is completely on board, my husband isn’t so sure.
When my husband and I met neither of us wanted kids. We were totally against it. As time went on we would joke about it, but we live in a loft downtown, love to travel and just have never seriously talked about having them. For the one time we’ll say it would be fun, there’s 10 times we say we don’t think it’s really the life for us. But now that this would technically be MY baby, I think my husband is a little disturbed by me technically having a baby with his brother. I’ve asked him if he just wants to have one, and he’s ambivalent about it. As am I, and is it weird I actually think this would be a fun twisted way to “have kids” in an indirect way, since we are close with his brother?
Has anyone ever heard of a situation like this? Should I just completely forget about it? I realize it’s totally out there but I feel like it would be a great thing to do since I don’t think I’ll ever be pregnant myself, and it would save them so much time and money with another egg donor.
Any thoughts are appreciated !
Post # 2
anonbea : There is no way I would do this ever, but ESPECIALLY not for a family member.
1) You and your husband’s brother would be the bio parents.
2) Your niece/nephew would also be your kid.
3) Would your SIL actually be OK with both of the above?
4) What if you unexpectedly actually want the kid that is biologically yours?
I just see too many ethical and family quandries here.
Post # 3
fredthebasil : I know I would not actually want the kid. My husband and I have discussed kids for years and it has never happened. If for some reason I wanted this baby, I would just get pregnant myself afterwards with my husband. You bring up great points which is why I wanted to write this out somewhere and get thoughts. My BILs wife is totally on board she says, but possibly isn’t considering all this. I know the next step is to actually all sit down and talk about this, the 4 of us.
Post # 4
They aren’t interested in adoption as she is dying to be pregnant and they want some biological connection to the child.
they still wouldn’t actually have a bio connection. There would be a family type connection, but not bio. As with PP I think this situation has difficult potential emotional entanglements … that might not show up immediately.
Post # 5
anonbea : The only time I’ve seen this actually work is when the donor was either anonymous, treated the donation like donating blood–you are giving something of your biology that may help someone but are not attached to the outcome, or was sister-to-sister and there was an actual biological connection.
This is not your chance to have your cake and eat it too–this would not be your child. Could you handle that? Someone else would be making the decisions regarding how this child was raised–what if you don’t agree with these decisions? What if you and your Darling Husband divorce? What if your Brother-In-Law and SIL divorce?
While theoretically this could be a very generous and wonderful thing it also has the potential to turn out horribly for everyone involved. Think long and hard about this, and if you decide to do it make sure all expectations are on the table (or even in writing) to avoid future difficulties to whatever extent possible.
Post # 6
I think it’s a nice idea, but it should be a decision where if either of you is uncomfortable or not fully on board, it’s a no-go. It was not right of you to volunteer to do this while your husband still isn’t sure about it. This is his family, and a child is a lasting bond. This could lead to major resentment and issues between the two of you. The first step should be you and your husband getting on the same page.
Post # 7
anonbea : I would not do this since your husband is uncomfortable with it. Also as someone who just did IVF I can tell you collecting eggs is no joke! Are you ready to inject yourself with medications multiple times a day, feel like hormonal garbage, and then go under anesthesia for surgery? It’s very expensive too – who would pay?
ETA you’ll also be at the doctor’s constantly for monitoring appointments to determine when they can go in and get the eggs so it’s a major time commitment as well.
Post # 8
They would be paying for it if we went through with it. I definitely am doing this out of good will. I would never try and convince my husband of something he isn’t comfortable with. I just saw the struggle my Brother-In-Law and SIL are going through and thought it would be a nice gesture. I really appreciate everyone’s input as I have no knowledge of any of this sort of thing first hand.
Post # 9
anonbea : I don’t think you should do anything you and your husband aren’t comfortable with. While it is your body, you should also consider his feelings, as this is a very strange situation. I agree that there are too many ethic questions here, and an unknown donor would be best.
1. what if the couple gets divorced and moves the child far away? Will you feel as if you have some right to see the child? What if one of them loses their job and can’t afford college? Will you help? How involved will you be. I know you say you don’t want kids, but I honestly feel that you will grow close to the child once it is here, and maternal instincts might kick in
2. What if they turn out to be horrible parents? What will you do, watch your child have a bad upbringing or remain neutral? Sure, right now I am sure these people are great, but there are such things as postpartum depression and other illness that can change someone without their control
3. I have no children, but I am close to my sister’s kids. She makes a TON of choices that I wouldnt, and I personally feel like I would step in more if it were my child
Honestly, the SIL says she is fine with it because she desperately wants a child, but I worry things might change after the child is here
Also, what about the child? Will they tell her you are her mother?
Post # 10
texasgal747 : all good points. They are both very stable people. My Brother-In-Law is so sweet. He has always wanted to be a father and is great with kids and an all around awesome guy. She is super sweet as well, and it’s amazing they found each other. She was divorced as well after her ex husband left her for a coworker. They’re just very excited to start their lives together finally happy with the person they are with. Also, my feeling won’t change. I know everyone says maternal instincts and such, but I would be doing this to give them a child. I don’t want to think of the baby as mine. If I wanted a baby, I would have had them with my own husband. Either way, I think it’s clear we all need to sit down and chat.
Post # 11
I think not, because you already said it would be your way of having kids without having kids. I think you would think of this kid as yours forever, when its not, it would be theirs.
Post # 12
MissStoGee : if you read my other comments you’ll see I did not mean it that way. I would be doing it as a gesture, not to coparent in any way, shape or form.
Post # 13
anonbea : For what it’s worth, I think this is an incredibly kind and selfless gesture on your part. Just don’t let the Brother-In-Law and SILs excitement get you carried away for things or feelings you might have.
Post # 14
I think it’s such a sweet gesture, but personally I would not do it if there were any hesitation on the part of my H. I also know that for myself I would not be able to view that child as “not mine”, but I know people vary widely on that. Weirdly, I feel I would totally be fine being a gestational carrier/surrogate with someone else’s embryos so I guess for me it’s the biological aspect.
Post # 15
The fact you are already thinking of it as a fun way to have a kid of your own without having a kid full time I think means you should not go ahead with this. It wouldn’t be fair to your Brother-In-Law and his wife that you think of that child as technically yours.