Considering egg donation to BIL and how wife. Help!

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

anonbea :  There is no way I would do this ever, but ESPECIALLY not for a family member.  

1)  You and your husband’s brother would be the bio parents.

2)  Your niece/nephew would also be your kid.

3)  Would your SIL actually be OK with both of the above?

4)  What if you unexpectedly actually want the kid that is biologically yours?

I just see too many ethical and family quandries here.

Post # 4
1747 posts
Bumble bee

They aren’t interested in adoption as she is dying to be pregnant and they want some biological connection to the child.

they still wouldn’t actually have a bio connection.  There would be a family type connection, but not bio.  As with PP I think this situation has difficult potential emotional entanglements … that might not show up immediately.   

Post # 5
6663 posts
Bee Keeper

anonbea :  The only time I’ve seen this actually work is when the donor was either anonymous, treated the donation like donating blood–you are giving something of your biology that may help someone but are not attached to the outcome, or was sister-to-sister and there was an actual biological connection. 

This is not your chance to have your cake and eat it too–this would not be your child. Could you handle that? Someone else would be making the decisions regarding how this child was raised–what if you don’t agree with these decisions? What if you and your Darling Husband divorce? What if your Brother-In-Law and SIL divorce? 

While theoretically this could be a very generous and wonderful thing it also has the potential to turn out horribly for everyone involved. Think long and hard about this, and if you decide to do it make sure all expectations are on the table (or even in writing) to avoid future difficulties to whatever extent possible.

Post # 6
1890 posts
Buzzing bee

I think it’s a nice idea, but it should be a decision where if either of you is uncomfortable or not fully on board, it’s a no-go. It was not right of you to volunteer to do this while your husband still isn’t sure about it. This is his family, and a child is a lasting bond. This could lead to major resentment and issues between the two of you. The first step should be you and your husband getting on the same page.

Post # 7
7901 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

anonbea :  I would not do this since your husband is uncomfortable with it. Also as someone who just did IVF I can tell you collecting eggs is no joke! Are you ready to inject yourself with medications multiple times a day, feel like hormonal garbage, and then go under anesthesia for surgery? It’s very expensive too – who would pay? 

ETA you’ll also be at the doctor’s constantly for monitoring appointments to determine when they can go in and get the eggs so it’s a major time commitment as well. 

Post # 9
640 posts
Busy bee

anonbea :  I don’t think you should do anything you and your husband aren’t comfortable with. While it is your body, you should also consider his feelings, as this is a very strange situation. I agree that there are too many ethic questions here, and an unknown donor would be best. 

1. what if the couple gets divorced and moves the child far away? Will you feel as if you have some right to see the child? What if one of them loses their job and can’t afford college? Will you help? How involved will you be. I know you say you don’t want kids, but I honestly feel that you will grow close to the child once it is here, and maternal instincts might kick in

2. What if they turn out to be horrible parents? What will you do, watch your child have a bad upbringing or remain neutral? Sure, right now I am sure these people are great, but there are such things as postpartum depression and other illness that can change someone without their control 

3. I have no children, but I am close to my sister’s kids. She makes a TON of choices that I wouldnt, and I personally feel like I would step in more if it were my child

Honestly, the SIL says she is fine with it because she desperately wants a child, but I worry things might change after the child is here 

Also, what about the child? Will they tell her you are her mother? 


Post # 11
422 posts
Helper bee

I think not, because you already said it would be your way of having kids without having kids. I think you would think of this kid as yours forever, when its not, it would be theirs.

Post # 13
640 posts
Busy bee

anonbea :  For what it’s worth, I think this is an incredibly kind and selfless gesture on your part. Just don’t let the Brother-In-Law and SILs excitement get you carried away for things or feelings you might have. 

Post # 14
1365 posts
Bumble bee

I think it’s such a sweet gesture, but personally I would not do it if there were any hesitation on the part of my H. I also know that for myself I would not be able to view that child as “not mine”, but I know people vary widely on that. Weirdly, I feel I would totally be fine being a gestational carrier/surrogate with someone else’s embryos so I guess for me it’s the biological aspect. 

Post # 15
1945 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

The fact you are already thinking of it as a fun way to have a kid of your own without having a kid full time I think means you should not go ahead with this. It wouldn’t be fair to your Brother-In-Law and his wife that you think of that child as technically yours. 

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