(Closed) Considering Giving up dating

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Perhaps you can commit to several goals for yourself and how you will focus on them instead of saying “I will give up dating”?  I’d hate for it to be something that you can “quit” or “lose” and stop focusing on otherwise noble goals if you meet someone.

You aren’t nuts for doing this, plenty of people choose to focus on specific things at one time or another.  I’d just make sure that if the end goal is a better you that you make sure to take steps in that direction (and I’m not sure that a FWB as a stop-gap is the right solution given what you want).

  • This reply was modified 4 years ago by  Consultette.
Post # 3
46803 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Peachytalk:  Tinder is a casual dating or “hookup” app. You get what you sign up for.

If you are serious about wanting a long term relationship, look for someone who is looking for the same thing.

Post # 4
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

Peachytalk:  Have you read Steve Harvey’s book (“Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”) and tried the 90-day rule? I highly recommend it.

I’m sorry you feel like giving up. I’ve been there. I did give up when I was a little older than you, and I ended up wasting years and years. I didn’t meet my Darling Husband until I was in my 40s and I later found out that he was involved in some particular local singles groups that I had considered joining, during the time when I was taking a time out. I am convinced that if I hadn’t thrown in the towel, and if I had just kept trying and putting myself out there, that my Darling Husband and I would have crossed paths as much as 10 years sooner. Don’t make the mistake I did.

If you do stop dating, make it a temporary break or a breather until you can get your bearings. Then dive back in. Next time, date smarter. Especially in the inital stages of dating, use your head more and your heart less.

I also recommend getting off of Tinder and onto eHarmony. Tinder is a point-and-click dating website, which lends itself to the going shopping, I-want-it-now, instant relationship mentality. eHarmony on the other hand requires a lot of thought and effort. It takes forever to fill out their personality questionnaires and I think that weeds out guys who are into instant gratification. I met my Darling Husband on eHarmony.

Best of luck to you and I’m sorry you’re feeling discouraged.

Post # 5
16 posts

I would say don’t give it up entirely, but don’t go looking for people to date and don’t date just for the sake of not being single. You could meet someone who could really be the one, but if you’re forcing yourself to not date, you could miss out. If you look for love, you’ll probably end up seeing it everywhere, but if you stop hunting for it, chances are you’ll only find it where it really exists. 

Post # 6
2574 posts
Sugar bee


I am glad i wasn’t the only one thinking this. If your looking for the  real deal Tinder is not the right place for you.

Also OP try not sleeping with them for say a month most people just looking to hook up won’t wait that long. It will help weed those guys out. I know what it’s like though when I met my Fiance I was pretty much giving up,dating is not like it used to be. Thank god the last guy was a gem:)

Post # 7
76 posts
Worker bee

Tinder is only a hookup app if you treat it that way. I met plenty of nice guys looking for more via Tinder. 

Anyway. Take a breather! Work on some fun hobbies or goals and just take a step back for awhile. In future dates, don’t give sex too quickly. Those who are after a hook up will get bored and you can move along on your search. It took me nearly 50 dates to find a guy I was really into and he’s really into me, and certainly didn’t rush into sex. It takes time!

Post # 8
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Peachytalk: Maybe you should change the way you’re finding dates, and also the way you’re dating.

I’m sure that relationships have started off Tindr, but it’s also the primary site for people wanting NSA hook-ups. If you want commitment, try a site that explicitly caters to people looking for relationships, rather than a site that “just happens” to sometimes work that way.

I know several married couples who met on OKCupid. There’s also Eharmony or Match or PoF. At the very least, it’ll broaden your dating pool to try a new website.

Also, if you don’t want uncommited sex, don’t have it. Don’t sleep with someone until you’ve decided to be exclusive — and THEN gotten tested together for STIs. If he wants a relationship with you, waiting this long (2-3 months, including the wait for doc appointment and lab results) won’t be a biggie.

Post # 10
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Peachytalk:  It’s only being the “sexual gatekeeper” if you actually would prefer casual sex, but you’re denying yourself that opportunity. If that’s the case — don’t bother to wait!

But your post made it sound like you’re bothered by the fact that you’re sleeping with guys on the understanding that the relationship is going somewhere, only to find out otherwise after you’ve had sex. In short, it sounds like you want committed sex rather than something casual.

If that’s the case, then it’s not “gatekeeping” or “game-playing” to wait until you’ve made a committment to each other. It’s going after what you want: which is sex in a committed relationship. (Not a ring on your finger — I mean an agreement to date exclusively, and an interest in seeing how things develop.) Doesn’t mean you won’t be exploring each other sexually in the meantime, either. Just means you won’t be shagging right away.

By The Way, guys who don’t want a relationship with you are NOT going to be more interested if you insist on waiting. In fact, they’ll ditch you so quick your head will spin. And that’s fine — they want something different, and just saved you time and heartache.

At the risk of Too Much Information, I think this leisurely lead-up is also a very nice way to guarantee that your first time is suuuuuper hot. You’ll already have messed around sufficiently that you’ll have found out some of each other’s particular tics, and likes/dislikes. No crappy “first time bumbling” to deal with!

Post # 11
5180 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

Peachytalk:  My advice would be not to give up entirely, but maybe take a breather and just let things happen, don’t close yourself off, but don’t necessarily seek out a relationship. You can then try a dating site that is less geared toward hookups, like PPs have mentioned. I met my Fiance after being on Plenty of Fish for 5 days and I didn’t wait to have sex with him either, so I don’t think that waiting=better is a universal rule, especially if you want to do it. 

Post # 12
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

Peachytalk:  I hear what you’re saying and it’s great that you enjoy sex. But I don’t see this as an issue of being the sexual gatekeeper. Nor do I think that “holding out” is game playing.

It’s fine to enjoy sex, but sex does not happen in a vaccum with no consequences. I love hot fudge sundaes but I can’t randomly enjoy them whenever I want without gaining a thousand pounds. Likewise, you can’t sleep with every guy on the third date without OFTEN finding yourself in the position of watching him then go poof, disappear, stop calling, etc.

I’m not saying that some relationships don’t end up working out after sex on the third date — some of them absolutely do. (I’m just using the third date as a random example; I’m not saying you do that, btw.)

But if you continue to give yourself away to guys you don’t know very well on the premise that you enjoy sex and you have a right to it, you don’t want to B.S. or play games or be the sexual gatekeeper,  the danger you run is that you will be disappointed and let down so many times that you reach a breaking point. The breaking point you’re at now, where you start saying things like “I am thinking about not dating anymore.”

You don’t want to let things get to that point. 

Steve Harvey compares it to going through the probationary period on a new job. When a company doesn’t let you have medical benefits until 90 days on the job, until you’ve proven yourself. IMO it’s not necessary to wait 90 days per se. I think the general idea is that you wait a few weeks until a guy has proven his sincerity, until you’ve gotten to know him a little better and can begin to gauge whether you two have true compatibility, AND until he has declared that he is interested in an exclusive relationship. I think the last point is very important. I waited two months until I slept with Darling Husband, but by the time we had our first sleepover, he had already asked for us to be exclusive and not date anyone else, and he also was making longterm plans for us — buying tickets for events four months out, starting to talk about a long term future together.

There is no way I could have trusted him that much or known him that well by the second or third date (again, just a random number and I’m not saying that applies to you).

Hope this helps. And hang in there! You are too young to give up! 

  • This reply was modified 4 years ago by  .
Post # 13
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Hi OP.

I think that devoting more time to personal development and spending more quality time with yourself and your loved ones is a great idea. While clearly you want to be in a relationship one day and that’s okay, it can also be very freeing, liberating and relaxing to just step back from the dating pool and focus on you for awhile. This is particularly noteworthy as you said that financial security is one of the reasons you want to be in a relationship. While having a partner to split the bills can be quite helpful, I think it’s very important for everyone to strive to be financially independent on their own because you never know what cards life will deal you. What if your partner becomes unable to work or dies unexpectedly? Then you’re back to square one again and might have to scramble to get back on your feet. I know people who have been through this and it’s really, really difficult on top of dealing with grief and loss. I don’t want that for you.

Furthermore, while we grow all throughout our lives, singledom is a wonderful time to develop yourself. All your time is yours. You don’t have to work around another person’s schedule or spend the holidays with their family or spend less time with your friends. You can focus completely on you and your loved ones. once you’re in a relationship, you’ll always have to compromise these things. I encourage you to reframe how you might view singledom. Instead of thinking of this time as not dating or worrying about being alone, look at all the positives that single life can provide you. You can try new things, travel, join clubs, volunteer, start new hobbies, take up knitting, gardening, pole-dancing class, whatever. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. And ALL YOUR FREE TIME IS YOURS. That total freedom and spontaneity is gone once you’re in a serious relationship and/or a parent. 

You are a wonderful person who has the potential to be an even better person and this is a great time to work on you. Focus on learning to love yourself and your body and accept all the parts of you and while you do that, you can also really think about what kind of partner you want and what kind of person will really help enhance your life. It’s very important to get to the point where you appreciate that being in a relationship is a choice, not a necessity and know that you can stand on your own two feet and you don’t NEED anyone. I think it’s crucial for everyone but especially for those who want to get married to become comfortable with themselves and with being alone. Then if you find a partner, you’ll be with them because you /want/ to be, not because you need to be. You’ll be a lot less likely to accept poor treatment or to ignore your discomfort or red flags just to be in a relationship.

I also encourage you to work on accepting that you may never find a partner. Not because there’s anything wrong with you or because you won’t but because not everyone finds a life partner even when they want to. It’s important to accept that you might be single forever and that’s okay. You can still have a happy, fulfilled, meaningful life when you’re not partnered. Once you accept that and are no longer motivated when dating by the fear of being alone, you might find that dating is easier as you won’t feel desperate or anxious if a relationship doesn’t seem to be working out. After all, it’s always better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship. Take this time to fall in love with yourself, OP, and work on yourself and if you meet someone kind and respectful along the way, great and if not, STILL GREAT because you don’t need anyone. You’ll be fine all by yourself. In fact, don’t even think of it as a dating hiatus for a certain length of time, just focus on living your life and maybe along the way, you’ll meet someone awesome who’s compatible with you. Good luck!

Post # 14
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Honey, invest in a good a vibrator and focus on work. Sex complicates things with men, that is just how it is. A man will not respect you or want to get serious with you if you give up the goodies on the first date (most of the time). Men have a different mind set. You should take a break from dating and all of that for right now. Eventually, you can go on the websites that were listed previously to meet a quality man. I actually met my Darling Husband on Myspace (when people were still on it). Rather than a bunch of texts, you can make phone calls. Then meet within a reasonable time frame. Make it clear what you are looking for, and steer the conversation away from sex no matter how horny you are. Even if you don’t like to play games, you should still play to win… Sometimes when you stop searching for something that is when it will find you.

Post # 15
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014


Peachytalk:  I have an amazing guy friend who is in your exact situation. Looking for a long term relationship but can’t seem to find anything but crazys on dating sites. I noticed you’re in Canada, any chance you’re in AB? 

Haha I’m on a mission to be his matchmaker this year because I want to see such a sweet guy finally get a good woman!! lol.  

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