Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have started to discuss getting married and I intend to do away with many of the wedding elements that I consider patriarchical. My father will not be giving me away, I have asked my Boyfriend or Best Friend not to ask my father for my hand, I don’t know if I will be wearing a veil. I will be keeping my name.
I understand that this isn’t for everyone or every couple and I respect whatever choice people made/will make regarding thier weddering and marriage.
That being said, if I am cutting out all the wedding elements that don’t resonate with my ideals is it really fair to recieve an engagement ring. Some people view the engagemnt ring as a gift and a token of affection while others view it as a way of saying that the woman is “taken” and therefor no longer on the market. Would it really be right to only examine and maybe go without the traditions that DON’T result in my getting a shiny expensive gift? I have no intent to have any implication that I belong to my man at my wedding (at least not any more than we belong to each other) so I’m not sure if an ering would really be fair to him. Almost like he’s paying for something we both know he’s not gonna get and I don’t think he wants.
So I’m thinking about skipping the ering and just getting a pretty wedding band (feminists like sparkly just as much as anyone else). This also saves a couple thousand dollars as a bonus! Did anyone else not have an ering for similar reasons? How will people react to the news of our engagement if I don’t have a ring? Do you ladies think I should get an ering? Any advice or comments welcome. Even If you don’t agree with me I would love to hear what y’all think.
Post # 3
I think you can do whatever you want. Do some traditions you want or none at all. If you want a e-ring, get one. If you only want a wedding band, just do that. It’s only up to you and your future husband to decide what you want to do. People will always have an opinion on something so who cares what they think. 🙂
Post # 4
When we decided to get married I told my Fiance that I didn’t need an e-ring and that I would get get a really pretty wedding ring. He was hellbent on getting that e-ring so I let him do what he wanted. I love my ring but I didn’t need it at all.
To each her own. Some girls have to have the ring. Whatevsky. 🙂
Post # 5
I don’t see anything wrong with not having an e-ring.
I also think it is just fine to have one even if it is the only thing from those traditions you actually choose to do.
It’s up to you and your SO. In terms of “would it be really right?” the only one to ask for opinions on that is him…you two decide!
Post # 6
@joya_aspera: You’re right I should talk to him more about the subject. He tends to be more traditional But his parents don’t wear rings so I’m not sure where he would stand.
Post # 7
I didnt want a regular engagement and wedding ring set….I wanted something as unique as we are:) So this is what I got….I am wearing it now as we are engaged and I will use it in the wedding ceremony as the wedding ring. I dont believe in doing anything just because it is normally expected of you….do what you guys want:)
Post # 8
For different reasons I didn’t have a ring for a while when we were first engaged – people asked about it for maybe a month or two and then I didn’t even notice. FMIL thought we weren’t really engaged without the ring but I knew we were so it wasn’t a big deal. Its more about how I act and what I say that lets people know I’m “taken.”
The ring is a nice gift and can be symbolic, but it is largely a signifier for other people. So go without, why not? It’s all up to you! A great website is apracticalwedding.com – they write about alot of marriage topics with a feminist perspective.
Just a side note – I have many issues with patriarchal traditions but am having a traditional wedding for the meaning/substance behind it. I’ve found that its really important to my dad to walk me down the aisle… just because he loves me not because he thinks of a property transfer… just be prepared to stand strong with what you want because people have ideas about them, and explain it in a gentle way if you have to because feelings do get hurt.
Post # 9
@bella128: I intend to include my parents in the wedding in other ways.
Post # 10
It is entirely up to you. I chose not to have an engagment ring for several reasons. Had a more detailed band originally than later, a couple years into our marriage, a wide set (soldered) when allergies prevented me from wearing the original. I was just as engaged and married without an ering. No one seemed to really care I did not have a ring. We clearly were engaged and married soon after. A ring is NOT what makes you engaged.
We also skipped “traditional” (in quotes as I rather disagree with them actually being traditional!) elements (including the ones you mentioned already) in our ceremony. No regrets at all and again very much married.
Post # 11
You can do whatever you want! I hold a lot of the same ideals you do, but I chose not to forsake the tradition of having a sparkly ring because, well, I wanted a sparkly ring 🙂 No one thought I was a hypocrite for it. If you choose not to have a ring, you will probably get some questions from people but if you just answer them as thoughtfully as you explained yourself in this post, I’m sure it’ll be just fine!
Post # 12
@ditzkitten: Meh I don’t really see the whole “taken” thing as a big deal. I just wanted something pretty. XD
I think I’ve seen a few bees on here with just a center stone ring instead of a band. That could work too. It’s whatever you want. We’re not gonna judge you for it. 😀
At least I won’t. XD
Post # 13
An engagement ring can mean anything the couple wants it to mean. I like to think of the ring as a gift that sympolizes love, commitment and the promise to marry. If you don’t think it would be fair to your bf to buy your ring, why don’t you buy it for yourself? Or split the cost. Or, you could buy him an engagement gift so you are not the only one receiving an expensive gift.
Being engaged without an ering can be annoying, people don’t always recognize you as engaged without it, and there are always questions. Not like that’s a reason to buy a ring. But of you want one, if you look at your hand and imagine what it would look like with a beautiful engagement ring, then I think you should get one.
Post # 14
- Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center
Here is a story of this bee behaving badly.
My friends decided to forgo an ering and got matching simple bands. Fine. But my reaction was shitty. The groom, who at the time was my FI’s bff, told me and I congratulated him. I asked to see the ring and he said there wasn’t going to be an Engagement Ring, I said “Oh.” I guess I must have made a face cause he knew I wasn’t enthused. But I remained respectful and explained that my reaction was a reaction just for me.
I am/was one of the girls who NEEDED a ring. But only because we arent getting married for about 2-3 years but I am far from Girlfriend. Our friends who decided to forgo the E-Ring got to marry sooner, but they were in the space in their lives where they could get married and not have to wait, like we do. So different strokes for different folks.
But I wouldnt be surprised if your SO caught some dirty looks from innocent bystanders.
Post # 15
@ditzkitten: I don’t see what’s so bad about picking the elements of a wedding that you want to pick. I guess it’s kinda nice that you’re trying hard not to be hypocritical, but it sounds like you do want an e-ring and you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. The only person you’re hurting by not having an e-ring is yourself.
I am fairly traditional but I am still cutting most of the traditional wedding elements. Not because of any feminist type reasons, but because I don’t want a big fancy wedding. I still want a fabulous engagement ring, though.
What about you BOTH wearing an engagement ring? That’s always something to consider.
I think though it’s a bit silly to consider an e-ring to be showing that you’re your man’s property or something. No one thinks that way anymore. And call me old fashioned, but I love the idea that an e-ring signals you’re off the market and belong to someone. By ‘belong’ I mean it in a romantic way.
Post # 16
I think you can do whatever the heck you want to do. I wouldn’t read so much into things like being hypocritical. Decide what you want to do and go for it without looking back. Is all pretty unimportant in the grand scheme of things.