(Closed) Constant Contact from his EX

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Lee58:  i’m sorry you are going through this.  imo, you are very patient for putting up with this for that long because i personally wouldn’t.  it’s nice that these parents get along for the children but come on, they are adult children.  they can accept the fact that their parents are no longer together and don’t need mommy & daddy both there for holidays.  as for the parents, what are they thinking?  they’ve gone a bit too far.  my parents divorced when i was young and besides graduations, weddings and funerals, my parents are never ever in the same room.  we even have separate birthday parties and holiday dinners so that they don’t have to be together. (and it wasn’t an amicable divorce).   We, as their children do this out of respect for each of them and also for their new spouses (or mates).  most divorced families i know live completely separate lives.   i find that what your husband is allowing is disrespectful to you.  unfortunately you have been enabling this behaviour for nearly 3 years.  this is basically what you signed up for.  if this is really bothering you, you need to set things straight but after all of this time, i wouldn’t expect your husband to comply.  counselling may be the best idea to allow both of your feelings and expectations to put out on the table.  good luck.

Post # 4
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

You have to realize that his ex is the mother of his children so she will always be an important part of his life. They should be together for holidays and special occasions – they’re a family. He should ask her if she feels comfortable meeting you. She’s always going to be around. 

That doesn’t mean there isn’t room for you in the family, but I don’t think they will receive you very well if you don’t have an accepting attitude. You need to be secure in your own relationship and stop questioning your husband’s loyalty. 

Post # 5
Member
6543 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly, I think it’s pretty admirable that after divorcing they are still friendly and can celebrate holidays together with their kids – no matter how “grown” the kids are. Is some of it a bit excessive? Yeah, but that’s how it’s been working for them for the past 12 years. My guess is that your Darling Husband probably feels like it would be rocking the boat to put a halt to it all now. I think it would be perfectly acceptable to institute a “no overnight stay” policy in regard to his ex. I guess I just don’t see the issue about having her there for holidays when you’re also there. Unless she is an awful person who is rude to you, I personally wouldn’t care.

At the end of the day, you have to remember that you married a man with kids. Regardless of their age, he is and always will be connected to their mother. You don’t quit being a parent to someone when they turn 18. I would KILL to have my parents be civil enough to celebrate holidays together. My mom would totally do it, and my dad would be okay/deal but my stepmom would never let that happen. 🙁

Post # 6
Member
6543 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@mypinkshoes:  I have to disagree with this. As a kid of divorce it is MISERABLE trying to split your time between them, no matter how old you get. In fact, I think it gets WORSE to deal with the older you get. Add in a partner/spouse who also has divorced parents. Gah….what I wouldn’t give to have parents who could just get along for the holidays. We are constantly in a tugging war to fit in visiting time at holidays with all parents. FI’s parents are divorced and his mom remarried. His dad still comes over to visit and they all go to dinner together when he’s in town. It’s awesome. His stepdad is in no way threatened by it at all.

Post # 8
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

While I agree with pp’s about them being a family, it sounds like this situation would grate me. That being said, I LIVED with my ex, 3 years after we broke upsimply because I was having a hard time making ends meet. I had a bf, my son’s dad had a gf (who I am still friends with 9 years later), it sounded really off to EVERYONE (what you live together but there’s nothing going on between you two?) but it worked really well for all four of us that year. Grantedy kid was THREE and not TWENTY three lol! I’m gonna say if the kids were lil, yes you’d have to suck it up but they are HELLLA grown so for a change to happen because of dads new wife, well it should be expected and welcome. IMO. The girls can sleep at her place, mom should not be in dads bed. It’s disrespectful and I’m curious as to why he doesn’t get that. I want to add my sons dad NEVER set foot in my bedroom when we lived together. Thats crossing the line! I really can’t get over how disrespectful I would find it to find another woman’s belongings in my Fiance room. I don’t care what the relationship is. Your Darling Husband needs to set boundaries. Clear defined ones. 

Post # 9
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@starfish0116:  i’ve been splitting my time for over 30 years with my parents.  it’s just normal for me that way.  not always easy at holiday time but we all make it work.

Post # 10
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Unfortulitly for you this is how things have been set up. I personally would try to make the compromise that she can join us for holiday dinners but enough with texting, calling staying over etc. To cut total contact could compromise your relationship with his daughters. He should be putting you first and isn’t . Yes his kids were there first but they are no longer kids. It sounds like mom and daughters are used to being taken care of. Myself I would establish some family ground rules, good luck!

Post # 11
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

FI’s parenst are this way. Tey are divorced but call each other every day, facetime, and go on vacations together. I think for some people it justs works. I also think that if you don’t like the idea he needs to find a good balance.

Post # 12
Member
1568 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I wouldn’t mind this arrangement with the ex. I think that him wanting you two to meet was a good way to bring you into his family unit. I think that he is a good dad and will continue having the family unit for his daughters, and it seems this is something his daughters obviously want. It sounds like he has been pretty upfront about the arrangements?

The only thing I would want to know is where the ex slept Thanksgiving night, it must be in the guest bedroom for this to be ok.

I think it’s great when ex’s can be friends after divorce. Just because you don’t want to be soemone else’s spouse doesn’t mean you can’t be their friend & b/c of their daughters, the ex in my mind will always be family. I hope that if I was ever in this situation I would be able to have a relationship with my ex, my kids and his new spouse!

Post # 13
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@starfish0116:  Agreed. My father and I are estranged but when we weren’t I just wanted to cry thinking of all the driving we did on holidays, all because my parents who were married for 18 years now can’t stand to look at each other without being horrible. Added in with visiting my husband’s family it was a nightmare. What I wouldn’t give for parents who managed to keep it together for the good of their children…

ETA I’m also really tired of this kids-are-not-kids-once-they-turn-18 mentality. Kids are always the children of their parents – there’s no magic shift when you turn legal. OP, I’d be upset if an ex was sleeping in my husband’s room, absolutely. There can be lines drawn in the sand here about how close they are to each other outside of the girls. But I would highly recommend trying to integrate yourself into this family unit for the other things like holiday dinners and communicating, because obviously it’s worked for 12 years and it seems to be what the girls need and the parents like.

Post # 14
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I didn’t even read your entry.  I saw your subject header and went ‘NO’ in my head.  lol  But then I read it…I didn’t realize there were children involved. Big difference.

I would need some context about “over a hundred emails from his ex and cell calls numbering in the hundreds”.  Were they related to their children?  Does she think they are good friends and that she can send him pleasantries?  “Signals” is relative, unfortunately, and you’re also coming from a very biased view of the situation (not that I blame you, I would likely do the same).  What did the therapist say about the signals?  And, honestly, just like I could probably very easily get together with any of my exes, it doesn’t mean I want to…or they want to.  *shrug* I wouldn’t take this part to heart at all.  While it wasn’t the smartest thing to say, it was honest and logical.

I actually think it’s lovely that they can co-parent and he can be hospitable to her.  BUT, I do think some boundary setting/clarity is good on his part.  Has he had the frank discussion of ‘it’s never going to happen’ with her?  Is this all a big misunderstanding?  I think if you want to have a relationship with this man, you’re going to have to get to know her because it’s a package deal.

I have a fiance who is very close with this high school girlfriend.  I had issues the first 8 months of our relationship and then I just gave up because I finally realized that he was not in the least attracted to her anymore.  And I trusted him.  They have been on overnight trips together (with a group, I had to work) and I have zero doubt that it was platonic.  At some point, you’re just going to have to trust that your partner knows how to take care of your relationship when you’re not present.  If you don’t trust that…then you have bigger issues than this woman texting him, know what I mean?

Keep us posted? 🙂

Post # 15
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I want to preface this by saying that I am not a product of divorce, my parents are still very happily married. I also want to say that I absolutely positively would never date a man who was divorced or had children.

I want to agree with the others who say that the boundaries have really been crossed. Sure, its great that they can celebrate holidays together, but if the kids want to spend time with their mom, they need to do it at her house – especially for over night things. Emails,texts and calls with the mom is acceptable if they pertain to the kids, other than that, no way!!

I definitely think clear boundaries need to be set, and if the “kids” balk at it, so what? They can easily get a job and move out on their own, they are ADULTS. Coddling them and letting everything be their way does not an adult make. My friend has 2 daughters who walk all over her all her life, they are now early 20s, BOTH have 2 children, and they all live in her house. What a freaking mess, she has to lock herself in her bedroom to get any peace!!

Post # 16
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If you are in a relationship with someone who has children with his ex, you cannot expect that the two of them will have completely separate lives. It sounds like he has done the right thing by his children, which I think is admirable, to make things better for them despite the divorce. I think that if you don’t want to deal with the ex, you shouldn’t be with someone who has children, because obviously it is going to happen. Yes, more firm boundaries should probably be drawn here – she doesn’t need to spend the night when he isn’t there, the kids can go over to her house. But you are upset when he sees his ex with his kids on holidays, when the ex wants to meet you (which of course she does, she is a mother and wants to know the woman who is often around their children), which is doing nothing to help the situation.

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