- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2009
This will be a long one and it’s my hopes I can get some good advice or a solution in this.
I met my current husband near 3 years ago. It was a long distance relationship where he did most of the traveling for 9 months to see me on the weekends. We had a relationship that was loving, trusting, nurturing and as close to ideal as either of us had experienced in our lifetime.
I had noticed calls coming into his cell from his adult daughters, who lived with him, asking when he’d be home and what they were suppose to eat in the house (one was not employed full time and the other was not employed at all). He would leave his credit card home for their use to buy groceries while he was away. I questioned at that time why one of the daughters (age 22) was not working and he would comment she’s been inbetween jobs for the past year.
Thankgiving of 2009 we were in the 3rd month of our relationship and he was unable to spend the holiday with me due to working the following day, understandable to me.I called him Thanksgiving evening to ask how his day went with his daughters and he was saying goodnight while on the phone with me to his EX-brother in law. He was honest and said his daughters asked to invite their mother ( his EX from 12 years ago) for Thankgiving and that the 4 of them have been celebrating holidays together for the last 12 years (she is married to another man, separated and living with another man after caught cheating by her husband she left my husband for). I was quiet on the phone and asked if we could talk further the coming weekend when he arrived.
The following weekend he arrived and as we were laying in bed that night I explained I was not real comfortable in this situation with his EX and I felt I was getting involved with a man that was in a “family unit” with his Ex-wife. He abruptly got up from the bed, grabbed his suitcase and left my city at 1 am to travel 4 hours back to his…. I was very confused.
We talked a few days later and he explained he was trying to distance himself from his ex and it’s hard due to his adult daughters wanting the family together during the holidays. I again told him of my uncomfortable feelings with his ex.
Our lives went on and we fell deeply in love.He asked me to marry him and he wanted me to meet his daughters in his city. I agreed.
He called me mid-week and said he called his ex and she is comfortable in meeting me and asked if I felt the same. I questioned why he would need to call his ex and ask her if she was comfortable in this if they were only friends. I also asked why he called his ex first in this and not me? I explained that I was put in a spot. If I said “no” he would have to call her back and it would “set the stage” in the future. He called her back and told her it wasn’t a good idea after all. Yes, this set the stage, as many other other incidences yet to come.
I quit my career, left my condo & family to be with him. The house he has lived in was not a house he shared with his ex, just his daughters. I was no more unpacked when I noticed beauty products in the Master bathroom and asked the daughters if the products were theirs. They replied “no, those belong to Mom. She would stay the night here in Dad’s room while he was in (my city) with you”. I was in shock. Then the ex calls up and explains that she spent the night in the house with him and their daughters Thankgiving night. When my husband came home I asked him “why?”. My husband was adamant that they were friends only, she broke up with her boyfriend and his daughters needed some time with their mother. I asked why he didn’t ask how I would feel about this. He said he forgot about it because it wasn’t a big deal.
Near three years later, over a hundred emails from his ex and cell calls numbering in the hundreds, I asked for counseling (where we are now). During one email she is sending signals to my husband and when I made this observation to him his reply was “IF I wanted her I know I’d have a pretty good shot with her, but I don’t”. I asked why would he put our marriage in harms way with such a woman and why does she need to call, email and FB several times a month? His reply… for our daughters.
Any ideas out there?