- 4 years ago
I am at my wits end with this and really could need some advice. Sorry this is so long.
My SO and I have been together for about a year, recently moved in together and are very happy. However, there is one big issue we always fight about- his family and the way they treat me.
When we started going out they were super nice, but after we announced we were moving back to my home country together that quickly changed.
It started off with small stuff like agreeing to take me along for his sis wedding dress shopping/ bridesmaids dress shopping etc and then going on their own and excluding me from all the preparations and stuff. Only talking to him on the ohone or on FB and never to me. Didn’t even call when I was in the hospital and in severe pain. My SO and I had some talks about it and he didn’t quite get why i was so upset and felt left out (admitted, I was being quite sensitive), but we mainly ignored their behaviour and I was still being nice to them (getting presents, coming over for visits and helping with the food etc pp).
Then his other sister decided to celebrate her birthday on my birthday and demanded that he left me here and fly over to spend my birthday with her. This caused a huge blow up between all of us – I told him I wanted him to stay, we fought, he fought with them (they again didn’t bother to talk to me about this or find a solution). His whole family used all tactics they had in store – threatened him, emotional blackmailing, crying. After a month of this it eventually got resolved and he ended up going earlier because the flights were cheaper. After that it turned even more frosty.
A few weeks ago we went to the wedding of his older sister. I had to sit away from my boyfriend both during the ceremony and the meal. They took family pictures in all constellations and managed to keep me out of every single one. No thanks fo coming, no thanks for the very personal and thoughtful present we gave them, they barely talked to me all day long and didn’t even say goodbye to me. Another picture with some friends and relatives I actually was in and his mum posted it on Fb and had cropped me out of it. I could go on and on with these stories but I reckon you get my point.
I asked myself a million times what I did wrong, but even my boyfriend says nothing and that I’ve been perfectly nice and sweet and made every effort I could to be closer to them.
So eventually i told him I couldn’t take the hurt and injuries any more and was done with them and he is supportive of that. As far as I am concerned though, he hasn’t done enough to support me in this whole issue. He has argued with them about their behaviour towards me, but there are no consequences. They now get him all to themselves as he goes over on his own and they successfully got rid of me. Am I wrong in feeling he should be more on my side? Is it unreasonable to tell him to put them on the spot and call them out on their actions? He loves and needs them and I don’t think he’d ever want to cut them out of his life and I wont ask that of him. But He said I should solve it with them myself and that is so pointless. Not gonna go and argue with all three of them without his support, they would stomp me into the ground. Isn’t it his job as it is his family and they only talk to him anyways?
We are talking about kids and marriage, but I panic when thinking of spending another 60 or so years with this problem in my life as it makes me feel so down and left out. On the other hand I love him so much and can’t imagine to leave him.
Hopefully you all can come up with some wise words for me. Thanks Bees.