Post # 1
So from recent posts (a long time ago) we announced we were buying a house. Everything is going as planned and we are so excited about this house and advancing our lives together. We’ve been engaged for 6 months now and don’t have a wedding date set quite yet. His parents, although extremely conservative, have come to support our decision of buying a home. So much so that they’ve encouraged us to start a registry for our house warming party.
MY parents keep asking about the contract on our house. “Will the mortgage company be making him pay half?” “Will he be liable for half the debt if you break up?” and constantly reminding me that I make more than him so he must be with me for the money. We’ve been together seven years! The worst part is when they say he NEEDS to get a job better than mine to support me. I’d rather him be happy with his job than make a ton of money, we make plenty as it is! It’s so frustrating!
How do you deal with family who is always critisizing or giving back handed comments to your significant other? And thank you for letting me vent…
Post # 2
You’ve been together 7 years and are engaged, I don’t see the big deal. Parents have concerns obviously, but I think they’re being a bit crazy. I think you have two options:
A. Grin and bear it
B. Sit down with them and explain you’re happy and comfortable with the arrangement. They’re out of line and need to cut it with the comments.
If they won’t stop the comments, keep them 100% out of your financial life. Don’t tell them your salary, your FI’s salary, your home costs, etc.
Post # 3
Congratulations on buying your first home. I must say though, this is the first time I have ever heard of a registry for a housewarming. I always thought of a housewarming as an opportunity to share (read show-off) your new home, not to suggest to your guests that not only would you like gifts, but also specify what those gifts are to be. I would not do a registry and simply be happy with the gifts that some people may choose to bring to the party.
As for your questions, I think it is normal for parents to be concerned about their daughter. I would just deflect their questions and comments with ” Thanks for your concern but we’ve got that covered”. Making a conscious decision to not let their comments bother you, is really all you can do.
Post # 5
Man I feel your pain. My mom is against my relationship with Fiance becuase he has some debt so she doesn’t think he can “be a good leader and support me.” I straight up told her that I wasn’t looking for a leader I was looking for a partner, and that I’m more than capable of supporting myself thank-you-very-much. She wasn’t happy but she hasn’t brought it up since. I’ve also told her in the past that if she insists on nagging on my relationship every time we talk that it will limit the time I talk to her. She wansn’t happy about that either, but she is kind of starting to chill out about it. My advice is to ask why they assume you haven’t thought about the financial aspect of your relationship, and let them know that it is none of their business and if they continue to bring it up you will be speaking to them less for the sake of maintaing your relationship. Maybe it’s harsh, but I absolutely cannot stand that kind of shit from parents to their adult children. Sorry for the rant. lol
Post # 6
Lots of my friends registered for housewarmings so that seems perfectly natural to me.
As to your parents I’d cut them some slack. Money issues are a leading cause of divorce. I think you should sit down with your parents and discuss their issues and your thoughts. If you are able to show them you are going to be fine with your BF current situation they may relax. Don’t be too hard on them, life is very challenging and having financial resources smooths the way, I’m sure they just want you to be safe.
Post # 7
Ugh they are just being parents. Back handed compliments? That’s what they do. Poking their nose in? That’s what they do. Offering unsolicited advice? That’s what they do.
Try and grin and bear in and not read in too deeply into their question.
Post # 8
Thank you everyone for the comments!
I will say that I probably have shared way too much information with my parents, attempting to prove that we can do it on our own. I work in the legal field so I made an excel Income and Expense Statement sheet so that we could plug in all the numbers for our salaries, expenses, and left over money. And then I showed it to them…it comforted his parents and they were impressed with how much I thought it out! It only made my parents mad because I created the spreadsheet. They think it should have been him.
My FI’s parents weren’t thrilled with me since I have student loans! I just kept telling them that my monthly loan payment is an investment in myself. Not all debt is bad!
Post # 9
Absolutely. Registering for a housewarming !? Is there no rite of passge or life event that is not being made a commercial transaction now !?
Post # 10
We are definitely rethinking the house warming thing. I think his parents suggested it because 1.) We don’t have a wedding registry yet and 2.) FI’s older brother and his wife remade their wedding registry after they were married and moving into their first home together.
His family is also much larger and would rather have registries than to ask what we want.
I think IF we do a registry, which is a big IF, then we’ll do a wedding registry and keep it active all the way through our wedding.
Post # 11
Exactly! Unfortunately we also live in a time/place that often forces the choice between getting an education or being debt free. And education is usually so worth it.