Constantly disappointed with my mother throughout the wedding process

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1555 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My best advice would be to make the budget based on what you & your Fiance can afford by yourselves. That’s what we did, because there was no talk/offer from anyone about helping us financially. I’m sorry your mom is being a pain, but I can understand how you’re disappointed about her not being supportive & excited about everything. I had that same problem, my mom didn’t know anything about my wedding, and she didn’t even come to it. But I wouldn’t have a courthouse wedding just because of the problems with your mom. Plan what you can afford. A lot of couples these days end up having to pay for everything themselves, unfortunately.

Post # 4
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think your mother has her reasons for the way she feels, and you should put yourself in her shoes more. She probably feels like she is expected to pay for a wedding for which her blessing was never asked. I feel your stress but it may be more important to mend your fiancé’s relationship with your mom than to worry about finances right now.

Post # 5
Hostess
8576 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m sorry this is happening to you, and although she does and then doesn’t seem to want to help you, maybe you should just pay for it on her own. Or at least you can start to, all the way up until your wedding there will be money going out the window, so there will always be something to pay for if she so decides to feel inclined. Many brides these days are paying for their weddings on their own, including myself. I was told at a young age that my mother had no intentions on paying or for my wedding, when I got engaged, she told me she’d help with the dj – which is a friend of ours, so she won’t be all that expensive anyway. Sometimes mothers have mixed feelings about when their daughters get engaged, I know mine did. It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy, it was that me getting married meant that I’m no longer her little girl, the one that she can try to boss around. And, it also makes her realize that she, herself, is getting older. I think that really hits home for her.

Post # 6
Member
8882 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I’m sorry she is being this way, I totally understand why you were upset. It’s not fair, but unfortunately it’s the way she is going to be so you have to move on without her support. I agree with @roweboat plan a wedding that you and your Fiance can afford. In the end, the most important thing is you’re marrying the one you love.

Post # 7
Member
1625 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Sweetheart, trust me, it suuuure sounds like you’ll be better off planning and paying for this wedding yourselves.  Otherwise, your mom will always be holding something over your heads and it is like asking to be set up for disappointment with her reactions.

Post # 8
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@ellejay16:  Are you expecting your mom to pay for the entire wedding?  It sounds like she just said that to show off to someone.  IMO she doesn’t need to worry about or know how much your FI’s parents are putting up, and it IS unfair that she’s not giving you as much as she gave your brother — but what are you going to do? 

I agree with PPs that you should just plan the wedding that you and Fiance can afford and don’t rely on her for money, it sounds like she may not be reliable in that aspect.

Post # 9
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m sorry about your situation. I think the best thing to do is to go with your FI’s suggestion and do a court house wedding so at least you dont have to deal with all the stress/drama

Post # 10
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Most couples are paying for at least a large portion or all of their wedding costs these days so plan what you can afford.

I know that you are disappointed with your mother but there may be other issues as to why she is not offering to pay more that you are not aware of…maybe something that she is embarrassed to talk about right now. 

Post # 12
Member
3588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@ellejay16:  Plan a wedding that YOU and your Fiance can afford.

I’m sorry that you mother’s behavior disappoints you. As you grow older it might be best to remove some expectations of her from your mind. Take what you get from her.

And, if what you “get” is, in the long run, more pain than good stuff, then minimize contact with her.

You have the freedom to craft your own life (inculding a celebratory wedding) that doens’t hinge on what your mother does. Seize the moment, make your own choices for your own life, and live it fully. Too many people get caught in the trap of blaming others for their unhappiness, please don’t let that be you (not saying that it is.)

Post # 14
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

I haven’t read the other posters but I think your Fiance has the right Idea. Go get married in the courthouse and do it the way YOU want to do it. 

You do NOT need negativity attached to your wedding. Don’t expect your mother do pay for anything. just plan without it.

Post # 14
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: February 2017

Your mother sounds like a textbook case of pathological narcissism. Read up on it, I wouldn’t be surprised if you have about a dozen “aha!” moments.

Post # 15
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I hear your frustration, I can relate to the feeling when family members (especially mom) aren’t excited about a wedding. With the finances… sometimes life is unfair. My parents will pay for my sibling’s wedding and not mine because… we can afford it and he can’t. “unfair”?, maybe, but you can’t think that your parents are going to do everything exactly the same for all siblings the whole way through. Whatever her motives are, try to enjoy being engaged and planning. I have found the “you get opinions you pay for, and you aren’t paying” attitude personally very liberating. 

I’m sorry your Fiance feels like your family dislikes him or his family. That is really hard. But, you need to focus on what you can control, and it doesn’t seem like changing your mom’s mind is something you can control. 

I hear you, bee. My mom is very anti-wedding and I can’t bring it up without her telling me what a waste of money it is. But, I’m doing my best not to let it ruin my experience. Good luck. 

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