Post # 1
Hi ladies! I am in a bit of inner conundrum right now concerning my biological father. My mother got pregnant with me when she was 16, and the man she married is father to my 3 brothers & sisters and secretive adoptive father to me (I say secretive because they hid it from me until I asked/pleaded when I was 16). She told me at that point that she would share whatever I wanted to know about my biological father after I graduated College, in the event I wanted to try to locate him (when her husband adopted me his name went on my birth certificate). Well, its been shortly 4 years since I grad. college and I have set a date for my wedding next summer.
I always imagined trying to connect with my bio. father before I got married, but now I’m not so sure. I certainly don’t expect any response from him should I decide to write him, however I’m not sure what my response would be should he want to get to know me, esp. with the wedding issue. I had a rocky relatinship with my adoptive father mostly due to him lying to my face about being there when i was born, and how God came to him in a dream with my name before I was born (he didn’t even know my mom then!). We let time take it’s course & wer’re fairly close now, but I don’t want to hurt him or make him feel less like my father & dad by opening up this awkward situation with my bio. father so close to a celebratory & family oriented event. Also, not really sure if I wanna drag that info out of my Mom so close to the wedding & i’m sure it’ll make her (& her parents) a nervous wreck. What would I do if the bio. father wanted to make up for lost time & attend the wedding? That sounds awkward all around for everyone…
Any ladies out there who have dealt with locating their biological parents? Especially with a wedding looming on the horizon? I’m beginning to think maybe I should just put it on the back burner until after the wedding, that seems to be the best option for everyone involved…
Post # 3
I haven’t had to deal with something like this, but I think your gut instinct (in waiting until after the wedding) is spot on.
Post # 4
@oracle: thanks oracle! I think maybe I just needed to get the conundrum out of my head and onto something tangible. I just really don’t see anyway to even begin to bring it up to get the info I would need to locate him without hurting feelings & stepping on toes. Which I’m not too keen on adding to the wedding day planning list…
Post # 5
Definitely wait as there is going to be so much going on with the wedding.
Post # 6
I also say wait, you already have enough going on. With my fiance it took him time to feel comfortable talking to his biological parents, though they never got to that point of feeling okay with each other because they disappeared out of his life again :l
Post # 7
My sister located and contacted her bio mom about a year before her wedding. Her bio mom came to the wedding and we all met her. It was fine. But I think that was probably very lucky, and not the normal result.
For one thing, I think you should have a real plan before you try to contact him, whenever you decide to do it. From your post it sounds like you are anticipating involvement from you family (even your grandparents) when you start searching for him/contacting him. Is that really necessary? Maybe you should set up some boundaries about who gets to know you are even doing this at all, and keep the whole thing very low key. It would prevent a lot of unnecessary drama, and it would also be easier for you to just walk away without having to discuss it with anyone if something goes wrong/turns out bad. I realize your mom has to give you the information, but maybe she could keep it between the two of you.
As far as whether to contact him before the wedding, I think that really depends on whether you can minimize the family drama, and whether you can emotionally and practically deal with taking this on right now. You are planning a wedding, plus running your life, and that’s already a lot. If your bio father isn’t receptive to your attempts to contact him, it may really hurt you more than you realize. Or, if he is willing to communicate, but then lets you down or is cruel or something, that could be horrible for you. It is an emotional risk to do this. YOu just have to be realistic about that.
Lastly, if you do contact him before the wedding. you DO NOT have to invite him to the wedding. There is absolutely no reason you would be obligated to do that. If he tries to invite himself and you aren’t comfortable with it, just tell him you’re not ready for that yet. If you do want him to come to the wedding, and he does, then just make sure that your dad gets to play all the dad parts, like walking you down the aisle and giving a dad speech, etc. If your bio father is treated like the rest of the guests, your dad will know that he is truly your dad, despite genetics.
Good luck to you on your wedding and on this decision. Whenever you decide to do this, I hope it is a positive experience.
Post # 8
I also have an adoptive father, biological mother, don’t know my biological father.
I’d have to say a wedding isn’t the best time or reason to find your biological father. Wanting to know about any medical issues before the wedding you or your future children should know about? Now that’s a good reason. Or excuse, if you want to use it 🙂 And you should really talk to your adoptive father about it first. Something along the lines of “It’s important to me to…But your opinion means the world to me, so please be honest and I’ll try to respect your feelings.” And speak to your mother about her feelings as well. Chances are she’s still angry or sad about the whole situation with your biological father. Speaking to them individually or together is something you will have to decide on yourself based on your relationship with them and what you feel comfortable with. If they would be more comfortable with you contacting him after your wedding or not mentioning it until afterwards, take that into consideration before making your decision.
That’s being said, my plan of action, if I ever contact my biological father (I have all his contact info)I won’t be mentioning that I’m getting married unless I get the feel from him that he won’t be offended about not being invited. It would cause to much drama. But for all I know, it may not cause drama in your family if you invite your biological father.
Post # 9
@BeckyS0: Wait until after the wedding. My husband is adopted and I don’t think you can rush relationships forming just because of a wedding. Let it happen on its own time.