(Closed) Contacting those who did not RSVP

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
945 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I would just say something along the lines of, “we didn’t receive your response card and really wanted to know if you’d be able to make it.” But worded better. That way (1) it sounds like you genuinely want them there and (2) seems like you’re operating under the assumption that the card got lost in the mail rather than them just being lazy.

Post # 4
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Here’s my plan. Our RSVP date is March 1. Our hotel blocks expire March 5. We did online and phone RSVP, so no RSVP cards will be “in the mail” when the deadline passes.

On March 2nd or 3rd, I’m going to start contacting people. I am going to contact them individually via whatever means I usually communicate with them (if we text most, then that; if we talk via phone, then that; etc). Everyone is out of town and hotels often sell out in this town, so the hotel thing is a big deal.

If I haven’t heard from them at all, I’m going to start out with, “I just wanted to make sure you received the invitation we mailed about 6 weeks ago for the weeding on April 6!” Then, depending on their response, I’m going to tell them, “Well, I wanted to check in with you because the hotel blocks expire in 3 days, and we need to give a count to the caterer later this week. I totally understand if you can’t make it, but I just wanted to get an accurate count so we make sure we have enough room reserved for everyone.”

The key for me is doing it one-on-one, not via mass email or facebook update or something; and giving them an “out” – telling them it’s fine if they can’t make it, saying maybe they didn’t get the invite yet, etc. Make it easy for them to say no. And for me, since 100% of my guests are out of towners, make them feel like I’m watching out for them with the hotel blocks.

I’m going to ask Fiance to do the same for his people, but I am going to give him the above coaching… he’s not the most smooth person on these kinds of social etiquette things! He’d just be like “Hey, are you coming? I need to know.” And a lot of his friends don’t get the concept of assigned seating charts and needing info in advance.

I also may recruit some friends and family to check in with certain people if they know them better, if my parents put them on the invite list, etc. It can be easier to tell someone else no rather than the bride 🙂

Post # 5
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@BetterSherm:  I waited until almost two weeks after our RSVP date, than I sent each person an email on facebook. I only choose to do it on FB because when the person you sent the private message to reads the email there is a time stamp on the message and you can view that they acutally read it. I asked for them to contact me and that my final head count was going in very soon, and since we were paying per person we needed a YES or NO.

Once that date passed whoever did not get back to me I responded to that original email that I sent privately on FB and stated;

“Hello, since I never heard back from you regarding your RSVP to my upcoming wedding I had to put you down with regrets since my final head count with my venue was due. I understand other obligations come up, you and your wife will be missed at the celebrations. I will be sure to update the both of you with photos. Love me”

Post # 6
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

If today was the RSVP date, I’d give it until next Wednesday.  Lots of people put them in the mail on the RSVP date… even though it’s not like taxes, where it just needs to be POSTMARKED by the deadline.

Most of the non-repliers were DH’s friends, so he facebooked them, since they were mostly single guys who aren’t really into etiquette anyway.

Post # 7
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

My RSVP deadline was Feb 1. I waited a week (til today) then asked our parents to contact their  side’s guests who haven’t replied. The minority are our friends, and I’m just going to ask them if they can let me know if they’re coming or not. Also mentioning the hotel block expiring Feb 15.

Post # 8
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I haven’t even sent my invitations yet, but I’m already losing my patience at the idea people can’t be bothered to RSVP. I think it’s great that a lot of you go looking to find out if the people are actually coming, but I already know I don’t have the patience. I’d give an extra week for the mail, but unless you gave me a valid excuse for not being bothered to RSVP when I got on the phone with you, I’d be inclined to mark you as “declined”.

Post # 9
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Mulan05:  Eh, it’s not that I have patience (I really don’t), but it’s just setting myself up for more problems the day of and the week before if I don’t find out people’s plans.

Post # 10
817 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo

I am a planner.  This almost killed me. But I gave them 5 days (RSVP deadline was 10 days before caterer’s deadline) then sent emails’facebook messages or sicced our moms on them, depending on how close they were to us vs to family. Deadline for the caterer was today, RSVP deadline was Jan 25th, and we still have 4 or 5 unaccounted for, I assume, knowing the people, that they’re not coming. But we definitely had to harass a good number of people, prob 15-20% of the guest list, even with a 5 day “grace period.” Sigh.

Post # 11
7560 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@mishagirls79:  I FB’ed people for the same reason. Since these are people who are bad at keeping in touch, it’s good to know if they’ve seen the message. 

Post # 12
4692 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY



“Oh, we didn’t get your RSVP, will you be able to make our big day?” Done.

Post # 13
2497 posts
Buzzing bee

@BetterSherm:  I RSVPed for a wedding almost immediately after I received the invitation. For some reason, it had gotten lost in the mail. I was actually really glad the bride contacted me to ask if we were coming. I think she mentioned something about finalizing the head count, which was a good way to broach the subject and wasn’t offensive to me.

Post # 14
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

our rsvp deadline was feb 1st, we’ll start contacting people via phone next week.

Post # 15
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wait at least a week. I can’t tell where you live, but mail is suspended in Mass because of the blizzard, and I’m sure that is holding things up elsewhere. Then start contacting people, by phone or email. I had a few people send me Facebook messages (privately) that theyforgot to send the card or lost it and responded that way too.

Post # 16
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I can’t wrap my head around just not responding.  I am probably notorious at this time of being one of the last to get my RSVPs in.  My Fiance likes to “think about his dinner selection” and so we almost always end up the day or 2 before the RSVP is due going crap we have to make a dinner choice!  I always contact the bride or groom (whoever I’m closest to) if I think my RSVP will be late (which it only has been once and it was only a day late) to tell them it’s in the mail and I’m sorry!

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