(Closed) Contemplating Divorce… never thought I'd be posting this!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
6582 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

As someone who has been divorced, the reasons you listed would not be enough for me to end a marriage. Every marriage has ups and downs, and nothing you mentioned seems insurmountable.

Post # 63
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Hello there. I’m sorry that you have these feelings. You have every right to have them. I’m going to echo what the other bees have already said and that it seems that you and your husband can work through it. Do you know each others love languages? There is a book and an online test to see what your love language is. I highly recommend that you and your husband take it separately and then share your results with each other. Its a great way to see what you and your partner needs in order to feel loved. Some people need physical touch while others are fine with just being in the same room with each other.

Here is the link where you can take the test. http://www.5lovelanguages.com

I wish you the best of luck.

Post # 64
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

OP I really do wish you the best and join others in hoping you’ll work on this.

I’ve never heard of someone divorcing their spouse because they don’t “champion” holidays/birthdays/anniversaries enough. Never. I promise the perfect guy is not out there. You might meet a guy who gets excited about the Fourth of July just as you’d want, but there will inevitably be some other minor thing that irritates you. That’s just how humans are.

It could be that you are just not the marrying type? It really does sound like this stress is being generated internally. You’re not describing a bad marriage, just personal boredom. Some people just don’t have the “lifetime commitment” gene.

Nevertheless, remember the vows you made on your wedding day. That’s you giving your PERSONAL word, in public, in front of your nearest and dearest and God himself, that you would stick with this guy forever. If you want your promises to mean anything, don’t break them except for very serious reasons. Personally I would never break a promise just because I was bored. My spouse is not responsible for my entertainment/happiness/enjoyment of life, that’s on me!

Post # 65
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@jessicadarling:  +1, exactly. All of those things seem trivial to me and would never make me contemplate divorce. 

View original reply
@Hyperventilate:  +1, exactly again. 

Post # 66
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: November 2014

It sounds like a lot of excuses as to why you should convince yourself divorce is a better option. Marriage is work, whatever you have to do to make it work: counseling, date nights, changing careers, vacation together, SOMETHING. If you had doubts in the beginning, you shouldn’t have taken it this far, this is why we are engaged, this is why we are in a commitment for a long time before we really decide that this is “forever our guy”. You can’t expect for him to read your mind, you need to voice your thoughts. If you want to be told Happy NY, tell him. If he is committed to you, and loves you he’ll do the things you want. I think you’ve just given up. πŸ™

Post # 67
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

These are not reasons to consider divorce. Because he didn’t wish you happy new year? Are you serious?

Post # 68
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@sadbee:  Could I be totally honest? I’m sorry if this sounds harsh. But it seems like you’re trying to convince yourself that you love your husband. He sounds like a very nice man, but, personally, I don’t think anyone should have to stay in a marriage where you don’t genuinely love your spouse.

Lots of couples go through rough patches with work stresses, lack of a sex life, family stress, etc. But, ideally, there should always be a foundation of love that will keep you together through that; your spouse should still be your best friend and your rock even when things are really, really tough. I would still try counseling or even just talking more with your husband about your feelings and about the change in your marriage. But if you were never really compatible to begin with, I wouldn’t force yourself to remain in a marriage with him. Please don’t listen to anyone who is telling you divorce is unforgivable or any of that; God gave you a life so you could live it — fully — and that includes having a truly loving relationship.

 

 

Post # 69
Member
763 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@LuvMySailor:  +1 I totally agree about fighting for this relationship as most things that bother OP seem curcumstantial and not foundational.

Post # 71
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I notice some people here are trivializing the reasons that the OP listed for wanting a divorce. But that’s totally unfair, because it’s the little things that matter in a relationship. If the man I was dating was so ineffectual and boring that he didn’t wish me a happy new year, heck yeah I’d want to end things with him too. Life should have a bit of celebration and fanfare to it…and that includes “happy birthday” and “happy new year”. It’s just weird when a person doesn’t say simple things like that.

Post # 72
Member
267 posts
Helper bee

@sadbee:  Work on falling back in love. You say you’ve discussed this, but be black and white. “We’re not in love anymore” should trigger something. Make a plan together, and stick to it. Small things, like sitting down to meals as often as possible. Physical contact at least once a day. Surprise him with a little gift he’d love or his favorite food. Simple things really do work a lot of the time. And if nothing works, at least you know that you tried. I fought for a guy who cheated, lied, was an alcoholic, did cocaine, and left bruises on me, because I had to know that there was nothing left to fight for. And once I did, I could move on. I’m now happy with a good man, who’s stable and the perfect complement to me. Good luck. I hope it works.

Post # 74
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

@sadbee:  To me it sounds like you two need to work hard at finding time to spend together, and focusing on the things that attracted you to each other- not the negative traits that become so obvious when living together in close quarters.

 

Also, your acquaintance is doing more harm to your marriage than good- true, divorce is not a mortal sin, but that doesn’t mean God doesn’t care what you decide either way.

Also, you are making the common mistake of contrasting your husband’s weaknesses against this other guy’s strengths. No wonder your husband pales in comparison!

 

If you’d like further help from a stranger (i.e. me) feel free to PM. Your marriage CAN be saved, and it IS worth the effort.

Divorce on the other hand, is often like leaping from the pan into the fire if you leave for the wrong reasons.

All the best.

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