@luckylady3090: my husband is a believer, but I’m the one more spiritually mature. Again, something I knew going into it and something I should not have compromised on (hindsight). It was another thing I convinced myself would be ok. We do go to church together (part of our journey these past years was finding a new church we could both feel at home with – and, thankfully, we recently found one), and we do pray together from time to time, but not consistently. Regarding the conviction – it was something I felt about a year into dating. It came from multiple sources out of no where and I was foolish not to listen. But, I told myself “I was wrong”, “I’m not hearing right”, “I need more signs”, instead of just listening (I’m an over-thinker, can you tell??!!). I should know how to recongize the promptings of the spirit and I doubted because it wasn’t what my flesh wanted. Again, I do believe there is grace in all of this and abounding love. I don’t want to focus on the mess-up, but focus on the present and the future and what that means. I do think there are consequences for sin, even though there is also redemption and mercy and grace. It’s hard to swallow pride and know that my choices could have caused me to miss out on something wonderful – yet, at the same time, I’m in awe of all the blessings I do have and am incredibly grateful for them. I just find myself wondering if remaining married is the right choice – or if I should release DH and myself (to singleness). I don’t know how to shake those thoughts or if I should pay attention to them. For now, I’m committing to focusing on how to make our marriage stronger and how to love DH through thick and thin.
Thank you for your understanding and empathy. I’m honestly not ready to use the ‘divorce’ word to DH. I’m not there verbally. But, I am pursuing counseling and know he’d be on board.
I really appreciate your (not long compared to my ramblings!) post. Thank you for those examples. It gives me hope that other couples are making opposite schedules work! I think a lot of what I’m experiencing with the opposite schedules is getting used to it. I’ve tried lots of different things and have been trying to figure out our new groove, so to speak. But, it really IS difficult. We didn’t live together before we got married, so a lot of the times, it feels like when we were dating. Meaning, it’s great to se each other – but, life stuff also has to happen…. and sometimes we are just tired or having a bad day…. so, maybe some complaceny has set in (and we aren’t always ‘on’ like we were when we were dating) – but, this is real life. I agree with you in that it’s great when he puts in a little more effort. I feel like I’ve gotten better at specifically asking for what I need… I’m just at a loss for what to do when it doesn’t happen (meaning, I don’t want to turn into a nag, or continually remind him that he’s disappointing me, etc). I remember getting some great advice when we got married – which was to believe the best about your spouse and their intentions…. and I think I need to remember and actively practice that. State my need and then leave it in his hands. Again, thanks for your thoughts
but, how much talk is enough talk? I was at my wits end, because I’m tired of the “I don’t feel close to you”, “I’m frustrated at our lack of intimacy, what can we do about it”, “I need to find new ways to communicate with you”, “When you do x, it makes me feel y”, “Let’s come up with date nights, to put some fun back into our relationship”, conversations. When we do have great moments, I over gush about them “I really appreciated when you did ‘x'”, Thank you so much for doing ‘y’, it meant a lot to me and made me feel loved and appreciated” etc. As for the negative issue conversations – I don’t have them often (maybe once every 3 months or so), but when I do, it’s like a talking to a brick wall. He’s a post-conversation processor, which makes me feel like I’m talking to wall and hoping he’s listening. Or maybe he just tunes me out all together. His response to most of my concerns is “that’s just how it is with the way life is” – vs. us coming up with ways to try to make it better. 🙁