Post # 1
Darling Husband has been having some issues with his friends who didn’t come to our wedding or really even acknowledge it. I am a super friendly person so we aren’t seeing eye to eye on this. He wants to end the friendships with these people but I think he should give them the benefit of the doubt.
He has known these 2 guys for over 20 years. They spent a lot of time growing up together.
1) Friend A is married for the second time. Darling Husband went to both his weddings, bought gifts, etc. When A and his wife had their first kid, Darling Husband bought every remaining thing on their registry ($150). A told him he really wanted to go to our Destination Wedding but his wife was pregnant with their 2nd and he’d have to come alone. Fine. But he didn’t…I didn’t think he would but Darling Husband was upset. A called a few weeks ago for the first time since the wedding and Darling Husband didn’t take his call…turns out 2nd baby is here and Darling Husband assumed he was just calling to tell him. By The Way no card, no gift from them even though A’s wife asked for our address 3 months ago so she could send a gift.
2) Friend B is also married with a kid. Same scenario, Darling Husband attended their wedding, bought them over $100 worth of gifts when they had their baby. When they didn’t RSVP to the wedding, Darling Husband contacted them via email and the wife wrote that they were sorry they couldn’t come but Darling Husband wouldn’t understand b/c he doesn’t have a kid…it was a really bitchy email. Darling Husband is the one that introduced the couple. Apparently, the wife had a thing for Darling Husband but he didn’t like her that way. Everytime he calls B (maybe once a year), the wife gets on the phone within a couple of minutes and proceeds to take over the conversation…so B doesn’t get back on. She also answers all the emails sent to her husband from Darling Husband. No gift from them but now they are coming to visit her family for a month (her husband is only coming for 10 days) and she has been hounding Darling Husband for us to get together to meet their baby. I’ve never met these people which is another reason Darling Husband is upset. While back visiting his hometown, they were in town as well for a few days to visit friends and Darling Husband told them we had to meet…we had just gotten engaged on that trip. They never called, never took his phone calls, and then we found out they were 5 minutes away the whole time.
I’m at a loss as to what to say. He’s so hurt that his supposed friends weren’t there for him when he has always been there. I personally think it started before he came overseas a few years ago. He was in a long-term relationship with a major drama queen and his friends absolutely hated her. Right before he left, she planned a “group” trip at a nearby beach for his going away and not one of these guys (or anyone else for that matter) showed up.
So what should I say to him? Is it worth it to continue these friendships?
Post # 3
I’m not sure when you were married, but they have a year to send a gift.
A destination wedding can be tough for people to swing, esp if they have young children. And especially if someone is pregnant. You husband should realize that a young family like that may not have extra cash for a vacation.
It’s his choice to end these relationships, but I don’t think it’s the right choice.
Post # 4
I agree with the above poster…I would not ‘end’ the friendship over it. Certainly, he can voice his concerns/hurt feelings, and a good friend would listen, and hopefully rectify the situation.
Also, I think that when marriages happen later in a group a friends, you run the risk of them not being there AS MUCH as he was for them. NOT bc they do not care, but bc lives change, especially when babies/children are involved! It just makes it harder to pack up and go for the weekend(s) involving the wedding,
With that said, would I be hurt if my ‘great’ friends did not attend my wedding?! Yes, but I would also have to understand their situation a tiny bit too, and then again, express my feelings!!
Post # 5
I get what you guys are saying about them having families. I told Darling Husband that he doesn’t understand how difficult it is for some people to make contact with you when they have other responsibilities….I mean it’s not like they are thinking about him everyday.
Plus, he pretty much knew they probably couldn’t swing our Destination Wedding but I think the biggest issue is not that they didn’t come but that they haven’t called, acknowledged the wedding….nothing until THEY have something to share….new baby or coming to visit. He feels like he always goes out of his way to maintain these friendships.
Post # 6
@texasbee: That is absolutely fair to feel those things! Unfortunately, they cannot read his mind, so again, I think it would be best for him to vocalize these things, and then if they continue to be/act the same, then their friendships may just lapse. It sucks when your friends hurt you 🙁
Post # 7
I wouldn’t count A out for missing a Destination Wedding because his wife was pregnant– that’s a valid excuse.
However, B and his wife don’t sound like great friends.
Also, I think he should work on understanding the spirit of gift-giving– you don’t keep tabs or expect anything in return for a present. It sounds like he’s upset because you all spent so much money on these friends and the friends didn’t return the action… but that’s not how presents work?
Post # 8
It’s not necessary to end the friendship. I do think it’s necessary for your Darling Husband to understand that these are not real friends, they don’t care about him, and it’s no longer necessary for him to make an effort to be friends with them. We’ve all had friends like that at some point, and we need to learn to accept them for acquaintances (since they obviously don’t reciprocate the friendship) and that’s that. If he can’t deal with that, then yes, he should cut contact with them, without letting them know or anything.
Post # 9
I agree with bookworm88. Couple A seems more legitimate- I would not have loved my husband to go away to a Destination Wedding when I was pregnant and could not travel. Couple B sounds like they have issues of their own and may not be worth salvaging the friendship.
Post # 10
@bookworm88: I agree with the not keeping tabs on gifts. Both couples are pretty well off financially as is Darling Husband, but it was the thought that counts. I thought it was cute he was looking at their registries buying them things and asking me what it was used for…he’d never bought baby gifts before.
I guess I gave the wrong impression that we are wanting gifts from them. I think it’s the blatant lack of communication on their part that bothers him. I told him he should be happy for them and their families b/c that’s what friends do but he reminded me they haven’t returned the favor. That kinda stopped me in my tracks.
Post # 11
The PPs already gave good rationale why friend A didn’t attend, which I agree with. It would be super surprising if a pregnant woman let her husband attend a Destination Wedding without her. The reason you may not have heard from them since, though, may be that they had some pregnancy/birth complications. Do you know if the baby was healthy? Maybe it was hospitalized, or the wife had complications. I’d definitely cut them some slack. Plus, having even a healthy newborn is going to take up your time and keep you from getting around to sending cards and gifts to friends. Maybe the baby is colicky and the parents aren’t getting any sleep… there could be a thousand reasons.
Friend B sounds like he has quite the wife!! I think I’d blame that whole situation more on him being controlled by his wife. Sounds like she wants to be in charge of every conversation her husband has, let alone where he goes and who he’s friends with. I wouldn’t be surprised if he really wanted to meet up with you but couldn’t because she threw a fit or something.
Post # 12
@MadameTussaud: Those are some good points and the baby is perfect and healthy. They are even commenting on FB how great it’s been having 2 kids that sleep all the time. I know, they probably are making everyone sick with their comments!
Friend B’s wife does sound controlling. Plus, I think but don’t know for sure, she told her husband she liked Darling Husband originally. DH said his friend never treated him differently in the beginning of their relationship but then again maybe his friend didn’t know until recently?
Post # 13
If its lack of communication, then maybe he should just no longer seek them out, let them do the contacting. If they say something about it, he can bring up the fact that its a 2 way street, and the phone/email/text works both ways.
I deal with this with “friends” too, and I just keep them at arm length
Post # 14
in my personal experience when friends become parents their priorities change. doesnt make them crappy friends, just friends that have different obligations (family/children) and as a result we see/share differently than in the past with them because thats the reality of double income no kids v parent families
i wouldnt kick a frienship to the curb over lack of gifts but some friendships die a natural death and thats ok, it happens because our lives change constantly
Post # 15
Just wanted to add, you probably will not get a wedding present… if so great, but in my own experience the 1 year rule is followed by very few and those who use that as an excuse will typically forget in time.
I am sorry you two are going through this but I would encourage you both to stop communication and see what kind of relationship is there on your friend’s end…. if none then maybe you are just moving in different directions and the relationship will fizzle out on its own. I really do think time will tell if they want to be your friends or not.
Post # 16
So an update to this situation….Friend B’s wife is now in the country. She sent Darling Husband a message last week that she would be here yesterday. And that her hubby will be here in a couple of weeks AND he had to send her our number. DH is going to call his friend this week just to “chat” and see how he perceives the friendship.
Darling Husband still isn’t on board with even “wasting our time” driving to see these people. Plus we already have plans this weekend and he has training in another country when the friend is going to be here. So we’ll see….I know it’s stupid but I just had to VENT!