(Closed) Continuing the debate on whats considered cheating…

posted 11 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Whats your take on Pornography or Strip Clubs. Cheating or Not?




  • Post # 3
    908 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I don’t consider going to a strip club cheating, unless it’s a strip club with a "back room" or something where "other services" are provided.  As for lap dances, I’m sort of on the fence.  I know most people wouldn’t consider it cheating but I just am not comfortable with it. 

    Post # 4
    756 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I don’t think porn is cheating. A guy has no interaction, physical or emotional, with the women in porn pictures/films. He can’t cheat on you with an image.  Sure, maybe he thinks the women are sexy, but it doesn’t compete with his feelings for you. It’s a picture; you’re a person.

    I don’t approve of strip clubs, but I don’t necessarily think that’s cheating, either.  The strippers/dancers are doing their job, and the guy is just a customer.  And it’s not something I’ll ever have to worry about, since my Fiance has only been to a strip club once (a bachelor party) and told me that it was the most disgusting experience of his life.

    Post # 5
    773 posts
    Busy bee

    Porn, no.  Strip clubs- yes, if there is a lap dance involved.  I guess everyone draws their line in a different place.  In the other situation I felt very strongly that there was no cheating.  I guess for me it’s all about physical contact with another person.

    Post # 6
    429 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2008

    I’ve already spelled out how I feel about this on other threads, but I’ll do a Cliff’s Notes version…

    My way of thinking/moral code is that sex/lust starts with the eyes and the heart. Just like violence starts with anger — thinking about being violent towards someone is as poisonous to your own heart as actually doing it, even if the person you are imagining never knows or is hurt by it. I think this because I am a Christian, Jesus said basically this same thing in Matthew 5. So when my husband looks at porn, or I read a trashy romance novel, and we seek out our sexual stimulation to come from somewhere else but from each other, I think we’re cheating.

    I’m not saying that every skimpy-dressed girl my husband sees and has a thought about is cheating or that I’ll divorce him over it, because he can channel that sexual tension towards me. I realize that a lot of women make this same connection with porn or strip clubs, and I don’t expect them to agree with me. I just believe in day-to-day life, regular movies and TV, and his own biology gives my husband PLENTY of sexual stimulation to channel towards me, and in a perfect world, I’d like to inspire most of his sexual stimulation myself. ๐Ÿ™‚ He doesn’t need to supplement with porn or strippers.

    Post # 8
    168 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I completely agreewith ChaiAnkh99 regarding pornography not being cheating; however, I think it becomes cheating if he views pornography on his own without you to an extent that it negatively impacts your relationship. If he’s developed a "relationship" with his pornography that comes between the two of you, it’s "cheating," but a different definition of cheating than most would think.

    Interestingly enough, I do consider any kind of physical interaction at a strip club to be cheating – lap dance, etc. Sure, he may be the "customer" and it may just be about the money for her – so there’s nothing "emotional" about it, but when he married me he promised that I would be the only woman he would touch in an intimate manner. I don’t see how money makes the stripper grinding on his lap different than a girl at the club who’s doing it to get him to buy her a few drinks. He’s being physically intimate with another woman, and it doesn’t matter if that woman is getting paid and it doesn’t matter that it means nothing to her – she’s touching him in a way that only I should be touching him.

    Just going into a strip club and watching isn’t cheating (for me) per se, but even "just looking" can become cheating if his trips to the strip club are frequent enough to where he develops a "relationship" with the strip joint that negatively impacts his relationship with you. It’s just like how I view pornography. So, I guess in that sense, DH could enter a strip club once, watch only, and he wouldn’t be "cheating" but we’ve both agreed that we’re not comfortable with strip joints for other reasons as well, so they’re off limits in our relationship. We completely trust the other person but going to strip joints is a line we don’t want to cross.

    I’m going to add a disclaimer to the end of this by saying that these are the definitions that DH and I have agreed upon when it comes to cheating, strip clubs, and pornography. We’ve had the conversations and we’re both completely comfortable with the limitations we’ve placed in our relationship, but I don’t expect that every relationship works like ours or everyone should feel the same as we do. If you define cheating differently than me, the only thing that matters is that your DH agrees with you.

    Post # 9
    229 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2020 - Our home and the two acres it sits on

    I think that pornography and strip clubs are separate, and I think that it depends.

    If my husband is viewing pornography a) without my knowledge, b) instead of being with me, or c) with any sort of consistency that implies it’s filling a need, then it’s a problem.  Is it cheating?  I don’t know.  It could be if it goes on for a long time, or if it’s against my wishes, or if it’s hidden.  I think that "cheating" encompasses anything you are keeping from your mate (other than birthday surprises and the like).

    But I read cheesy romance novels, many of which get a little dirty, and sometimes I get wistful or kinky or playful.  Is that cheating?  No, because the connection is with my husband.

    Strip clubs… I don’t know.  If he goes for a bachelor party, no, but that’s assuming there is no physical contact.  I’ve been to a strip club — was I cheating?  No.  However, if there’s consistency or routine involved, then it could be a problem….

    And then we’re back to the original question.  If he gets a high or it fills a need or is in place of his relationship with me, then it can be cheating.

    {I should note that my hubby hates hates hates strip clubs and considers them no different than brothels, so my perspective is skewed because I know he wouldn’t want to go to a strip club.}

    This is a great thread!

    Post # 10
    5282 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2009

    I don’t consider either watching porn or going to a strip club cheating, would it bug me if I found my Fiance going to a strip club or watching porn without my knowledge, yes, because I want us to be open & honest. But since I don’t care about either he always tells me if hes going to the strip club (which is very rare anyway) and he doesn’t like to watch porn alone.

    My def of "cheating" would be involving yourself in a relationship with another person, whether it be a physical or mental relationship. And IMO when a guy watches porn or goes to a strip club there is no relationship developing there ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 11
    345 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I agree with Mrs. Cheese … the driving force for me is, does it cause you/him to be secretive? Is the person who’s doing it ashamed of it?  If so, then its a problem.

    I think strip clubs are ok if done very very occasionally (like, if his best friend gets married and has a party there, he should go) and in a joking manner. Porn… eh… I don’t think I would mind if he watched it every now and then, but again with Cheese, if it was filling some underlying need I would be hurt. 

     So, I voted 50/50! 

    Post # 12
    2143 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I put 50/50. If porn starts to replace me, it’s cheating. If he looks at it in his own private time, when I can’t be there, and it never affects our relationship negatively, then ok I guess. It’s a little weird to know he does it, but it’s just something that helps relieve stress probably I think. I personally would prefer he keep it hidden from me. I know he does it, but I don’t know when or how often, and I don’t want to know. If he said "hey honey, I just watched some porn" when I walk in the door or something, it’s not cheating to me, but it’s too creepy.


    Strip clubs are a big no to me. If he simply went with some friends, I wouldn’t be happy, but I’m fairly certain that I could forgive him. BUT if there is ANY touching involved, how is that any different than groping/hooking up with some random girl at a bar? That would SO be cheating! I really don’t like strip clubs, even for the bachelor party, because I don’t buy that whole "last night single" garbage. He made a commitment to me long ago about being together and being monogomous and that doesn’t take a break just because he’s about to get married! Luckily, he didn’t go. Idk, I feel like I should be more open about strip clubs because esentially it’s just live porn, but I’m not. It gives me t he jeebies. I guess there is just so much porn online, that it should be sufficient and he shouldn’t need to see real girls in person when he has me. 

    Post # 13
    2725 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    I voted no but I think there is a fine line and each couple needs to define that line clearly. I used to work with a woman who went to stirp clubs with her husband and would buy him lap dances. Her reasoning: she was there, she saw what went on, and he went home with her. Would I be ok with that? No way. And besides, my guy is not into strip clubs.

    I think Mrs. Cheese put it best about pornography: if it’s secretive and takes the place of a healthy sexual relationship between the couple, then yes, that could be considered cheating. 

    Post # 14
    6009 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    Hmm, I agree with December on certain points.  I think activities or actions that take  a lot of energy away from the marriage could be considered cheating.  I think once someone starts expending a lot of energy in one point of their life that the their spouse is not involved in, that can definitely be cheating because the marriage is going to suffer.  Some things we can’t really help, like spending time and energy at work, but I do think it’s important to constantly re-evaluate what you are spending so much time and energy on and if investing that into your marriage wouldn’t make you closer to your spouse. 

    So, by my reasoning, looking at porn and going to strip clubs could definitely be cheating because you’re taking away the sexual energy you could be spending on your partner.  We watch porn together occasionally, but I’d be upset if my husband watched it/looked at it without me.  I’d honestly rather he invest the time and energy spent on porn into trying to seduce me with nice dinner and romance.  ๐Ÿ™‚  Also, I don’t watch porn without him because I’d rather spend that time and energy putting on lingerie, doing my hair and makeup, etc… for him.  For strip clubs, we both agree it’s just something we’re not into.  Neither of us have ever been and probably never will go.  

    I should add that this is an elvoving topic of dicussion in our house.  My husband used to watch/look at a lot of porn but has really backed off in the last few years.  He was actually the one that suggested we try to just direct all of sexual energy toward each other because he felt like we were not having enough sex.  I told him that I just didn’t have the time or energy for sex every day, so he came up with this plan instead.  Reinvesting that sexual energy in each other has helped quite a bit.  ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Post # 15
    601 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2010 - Heinz Chapel Ceremony, Museum Reception

    I don’t have any problem at all with my Fiance looking at porn. I know he does, and I think that most men do. However, he’s certainly considerate enough to look at it when I’m not home, and it doesn’t have any interference with our relationship. Does anyone else read Dan Savage’s column? He’s of the strong opinion that men are just visual creatures who like looking at sexual sights. I tend to agree. I feel that agreeing to never have an intimate relationship with anyone else again is a real sacrifice that you make for your relationship; I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to at least want to look at other women sometimes.

    I also don’t mind my Fiance going to strip clubs, including getting lap dances. On the other hand, he almost never goes–only for a bachelor party, a very rare guys’ night out, something like that. If he were going alone, or frequently, I would definitely find that upsetting. I think I’ll probably have a problem with it when we get older, and I would think it would be strictly off-limits once we are parents. As for now, though, he’s 25, I don’t mind him blowing off some steam and having fun.

    It’s funny….I know I saw some girls saying it’s no different than a random girl in the club grinding on his lap. I don’t see it that way. I would be seriously offended and angry if he went out and was involved in something like that. To my mind, a lap dance is strictly a business transaction. I know the stripper has absolutely no interest in anything other than the $20 in his wallet, and I don’t feel threatened by that. 

    Post # 16
    445 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    I would absolutely consider it a betrayal if my husband looked at porn or went to a strip club. I have serious issues with women OR men being objectified in that manner. It doesn’t matter if the women (or men) are happy with or being paid well to be objectified. I believe that no human being should be used merely as a means to an end, whether it’s actual sex acts or just fodder for sexual fantasy.

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