Post # 1
I’m having an emotional week so I thought i would let it all out here since you are all great and giving advice and support. Since my fiance and I have gotten engaged we have lost 4 close people in our lives in the span of 7 months.
The first to go was FH’s Grandfather. At the age of 90, he fell and broke his hip. Being 90 he never recovered and eventually passed because of the fall.
Shortly after, my grandmother, at the age of 89 passed after being very ill with blatter infections and cysts in her abdomen. She finally passed mid November after months of Pain. It was really tough watching her suffer and then pass.
Then, December 7th we get a phone call while out of town for a concert. FH’s Uncle died in his sleep that day of a brain aneurism. FH was very close to this uncle having lived with him when he first moved to Ottawa. In the short time that I knew him I also felt close to him as he was one of the happiest people I have ever met. Always say the good in people. He was around 60.
In February I got a call while out of town working. My fiance’s brother-in-law, after being on the healing side of a battle with intestinal cancer suddenly died of heart failure.
During this entire time my Uncle/Godfather who I am closer to than my own father has been fighting kidney and Liver cancer. The Doctors are now giving him till the end of the week. He is in his late 60’s. I’ve been at the hospital all week with family trying to enjoy a few last moments with him. Tomorrow I have to fly out west until Saturday. I’m so stressed about leaving and being alone when I find out he has passed. My family has told me that they will wait for my return to have the service if it happens today or tomorrow. He will then be the 5th person we loose since our engagement.
Also on the table, my fiance’s best man has a rare form of cancer that is unbeatable. He is bassically on permanent treatment to extent his life as much as possible. He could be here for another 5 years just as he could be gone tomorrow.
I feel like we are surrounded by death and it’s making it very hard to be happy planing for a wedding when almost every month we are scratching a name off of our guest list. I understand that getting older means more people dying however this is a little much!
Any advice on how to get through these difficult times, especially the next few days while I’m at work would be appreciated. Also any advice on how to start enjoying planning my wedding again would be very welcomed.
Thanks for listning and reading. I feel a bit better getting all this off my chest.
Post # 3
@Honu: Oh honey, I’m am so sorry to hear that you’re going through all of this. I can’t really offer any advice, but please know that you, your fiance and your families will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Post # 4
i’m so sorry for all your losses. that must be incredibly difficult.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry to hear about all the loss you and your Fiance have gone through. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now! Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way!!
Post # 6
I’m so sorry for all of the loss you two are facing right now. My Fiance and I went through something very similar, where we had/ witnessed 16 or so deaths in the span about 18 months, it was awful. I felt like I barely had a chance to grieve for one person and then another passed away.
What worked for us was pulling together as a couple. We learned to appreciate all the time we have together, stopped worrying about the small things and really stared to enjoy the simple pleasures life brings.
Post # 7
Oh wow, that is some seriously rough stuff you’re both dealing with. I’m very sorry for your losses.
On the subject of how to get through it etc, I would maybe suggest looking at your wedding as proof that life always both good and bad? Almost cyclical? Like, bad things are happening now, but good stuff generally always comes around again. Members of your family are leaving you, but at the same time, you’re creating new family members by marrying each other.
Also, a reminder that even in the worst of times, there are things worth celebrating, like love and friendship and family. Those things don’t die with the person, but live on in those who remember and cherish them. I know that’s super cheeze, but it’s true!
Post # 8
I can’t really give you any advice but I’m sending lots of hugs and good thoughts your way. I have yet to lose anyone close to me so I can’t even imagine how haId this is for you.
Post # 9
i have no advice just huge HUGS!
your wedding is the bright light in the darkness – maybe you and your FH can find a special way to honour these wonderful people at your wedding, it might help a little?
Post # 10
@Honu: I am so sorry you’re going through this! Our family had one of those years last year. There were a total of 8 funerals in 10 months- including all 3 living grandparents.
My one piece of advice is therapy. I happened to start therapy before all the deaths (to deal with lingering feelings from my mom’s death 3 years prior) and it was so good to just be able to talk about it. Everyone around you is dealing with all the same losses, so it’s hard to be support for each other. Dumping it all in a therapist’s office was incredibly helpful for me. It gave me a set time and place to just lose my sh*t every week, and knowing I had that space let me get through the rest of the week.
All that said- while dealing with a year like this, people are going to be SOOOO happy to have a chance to celebrate at your wedding! My cousin got married the day before our grandfather’s funeral. It felt weird when we thought about it coming, but that day was so good. Focusing on a happy occassion was exactly what we needed to get through. Then my sister found out she was pregnant the week my grandmother was dieing. She gave birth a month before the final grandmother passed. The whole freaking family came to visit the hospital. We were all just so incredibly happy. Your wedding is going to be great.
Post # 11
@MexiPino: I appreciate the advice. I’m still waiting to see if my health insurance covers thearapy. If it doesn’t 175$ an hour is going to have to be budgeted before spent. You’re right when you say celebrations is what we need and I can’t wait for the day to come however I’m still finding it difficult to plan right now. I just don’t feel like doing anything wedding related.
@JenniBride: very cheezy but you’re right, very true. I will try.
Thank you all so much for the hugs and prayers. I really need them right now.
Post # 12
@Honu: Check with the county. I didn’t have health insurance and was able to go to a very qualified therapist on a sliding scale. I paid $35 a week, but I think the lowest was $10 based on salary.
I totally get not wanting to do anything wedding related. Or anything full stop. If I were you, I’d try to think of the wedding as a service to my family. You’re going to throw a big party so everyone can celebrate and have a good time. They’ll enjoy it. Focus on making it a fun time, rather than feeling like you have to focus on yourself.
Post # 13
@MexiPino: I’m canadian. Things run a bit differently here. As a middle class citizen I have no help aside from personal insurance. If I were low wealth I would have help.
I will try to do that. Focus on the party aspect and planning a fun night for everyone to enjoy. That was my goal anyway but I think focusing on it will help. Thanks for the advice.
Post # 14
@Honu: I too would like to send well wishes to you and your family. It is rough to lose one, let alone numerous people around the same time—it must be an unimaginable sadness. I want to say that it is good that you knew most of them were ill and could say goodbye, but at the same time it would be a very emotionally tolling thing to watch as they slipped further away. I think that kind of sums up grief, though. Grief is a confusing emotion all around because even after they are gone you want to preserve the good memories, yet doing so is painful because missing them is so new. I think the process is best thought of as getting used to missing them. This is one of those moments where the “time heals” cliché seems about right, and that you just need to have patience with yourself as you heal.
It sounds like you are trying to be okay with feeling whatever way that you do each day in regards to all of these losses, and that is very good. As others mentioned, therapy helps keep you in touch with your feelings and geared towards taking steps to better days, but if you cannot yet get to a therapist, you might look into online support groups and other forms of writing if that helps to release the sadness. Try not to dwell too much on (or live within) the negative though, just release it and then go towards the positive. As others here have said, your wedding could be that positive outlet for yourself and the others in your family that need something good to look forward to for a change. For me though, I would think of the wedding as that much more important because I would want to celebrate my biggest gift in life (your love and life with FI) with gusto due to your new understanding of how unpredictable life can be—not that you need to live in fear, just with a new appreciation for the good things in life.
I hope you have an enlightening experience in sorting out all of your emotions and thoughts regarding your lost loved ones. Loss is tough, but remembering is a gift—cheesy but true 🙂
Post # 15
I’m so sorry for your losses. ::hugs:: After all this I’m sure your whole family is looking forward to a happy event <3
Post # 16
I’m so sorry for your losses.
I was in a similar situation a few years ago, and I did break down. Seeing a therapist really helped me. Here’s what I learned:
Allow yourself the time and space to grieve. Don’t bottle everything up and try to trudge through it. Sometimes I would just go for a drive to escape from everything. I would drive and drive, and maybe stop somewhere and scream and cry where no one could hear me. And then I would come back, and feel like I had let all this weight off of my chest.
Grieve, but don’t live in your sorrow. You are allowed to be happy. In the beginning of my breakdown, I felt like I couldn’t be happy, or I didn’t deserve to be happy. I felt guilty about being happy, doing things that would have made me happy, etc … But I reminded myself that my loved ones wouldn’t have wanted me to be sad, they would have wanted me to be happy. And the best way to honor their memories was for me to do things that would make me be happy, and continuing to live my life and move forward.
Moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting, or leaving them behind. They were a part of who you were, they shaped you growing up, and a part of them will always be with you. Whether it’s when you bake your grandmother’s chocolate chip cookie recipe, or the lessons they taught you in what kind of person to be, those are the little things that stay with you forever, and nothing can ever take that away. And one day, it will be okay. You’ll be doing something with your children, and you’ll recall a fond memory with a smile and a tear, and you’ll miss them, but you’ll realize that they were never completely gone.