(Closed) Contributing to my ring?

posted 7 years ago in Rings
Post # 17
Member
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@JhbBride:  I think you should be able to get whatever ring you want if you have the money & are willing to contribute.  A marriage is not abou the ring, it’s just a piece of jewelry that shows others that you’re married.  You’re the one that has to wear it every day, so why not get something you love! If he would be really hurt by your contribution, I’d say maybe just deal with it, but if not, I would maybe just say something like “If I find a ring I really like that’s a bit out of budget, would you mind if I chip in?”  I think that’s pretty simple and unless he’s really sensitive about this kind of thing, I imagine he’d want you to get whatever you want!

We have some friends that did exactly what you’re talking about.  He has a great job but she makes even more than he does.  She knew what she wanted and he happened to know someone at a fancy jewelry store who gave him a great discount so she chipped in a bunch.  It worked out great for both of them!

Also, I accompanied one of my best friends to Tiffany to get his wife’s ring.  He really wanted to get a Tiffany ring because he only had $2,000 to spend and thought he couldn’t get anything super fancy so wanted to get her the name.  I of course kept telling him he could get much more elsewhere but he wouldn’t listen!! 😉  So when we went to look, he said she’d just want something really simple.  I kept looking at the fancier things because knowing her I just thought she’d want a little more bling.  But once again he didn’t listen!  Of course she was thrilled to get it, but when they purchased bands, she paid for her own and what did she get?  A super blingy diamond covered band.  Probably more expensive than the initial ring…  But he was not upset at all and of course happy she was able to get what she wanted. 

Post # 18
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@Zhabeego:  A gift? if it’s a gift, then do I have all reasons to return it for something I like? 

 

 

 

It’s a ring to symbolize that you’re an engaged woman. Whoever pays for it is between the couple themselves. It’s not a ‘status’ symbol which is exactly what a “what he can afford” would imply. While I understand it may seem materialistic for woman to be nit-picky down to the T about what she wants in a ring, it’s something she has to wear daily. Committing to the man is very different then committing to the ring. To be demanding and exact is exactly what I was, in fact, I told him not to propose until he had all of the specs I wanted. To say “buy your own ring if you’re that demanding and exact” is a little ridiculous. If it’s a “gift” can’t a woman say exactly what she wants? 

 

Post # 19
Member
2789 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I say get exactly what you want! It’s your life so live it however you want! Judging someone because they have an opinion on what kind & size ring that they want is dumb (@zhabeego).  Also, just because your relationship is more modern doesn’t mean that you can’t have an engagement ring.  Who cares what other people think, especially judgemental ones! It’s such a waste of energy! Go get your ring girl! It’s ok to help out financially in anything, and anyone who has anything different to say is just ignorant & close minded! 

Post # 20
Member
11267 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@JhbBride:  if you share expenses 50/50, why not the ring?  i don’t believe that it is necessarily up to the guy.  i hope he has an open mind to this.

Post # 21
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

My Fiance and I are going halves in a ring. 

Already bought the gemstone, working on the design elements etc (I am very picky and have a vision)

We are very modern, do everything 50/50 and the ring I have is over FI’s budget so why shouldn’t I contribute?

Fiance wasnt insulted when I said I would contribute to the over budget $$, I think he was relieved. 

Of course it is a very personal thing and individual to each couple. This may not work for a lot of couples. 

Post # 22
Member
3657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@JhbBride:  Only YOU know how much, and even IF, it will hurt his feelings.

I think the idea is fine that you contribute toward your engagement ring if an expensive one is important to you.

 

Post # 23
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@JhbBride:  Fiance and I did something similar. He proposed with his grandma’s ring which just really wasn’t me, after looking around and asking him what his budget for a ring would be I found the ring I liked the best and added what it cost – FI’s budget.

Post # 24
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee

I would suggest asking what his budget is first and then saying something along the line of you want to contribute as we’ll so you’ll match whatever he saved

Post # 25
Member
91 posts
Worker bee

I dont see anything wrong with this at all, if it is something that you think he wont mind then sit him down and talk to him about it. Like you said, its both of you that are getting engaged and if having that perfect ring is going to be the cherry on top of spending the rest of your life with the man of your dreams then go for it!

 

Both my BF and I dont have jobs right now, he is a stay at home dad and I am a full time student. We both think that its time to get engaged and start the next chapter of our lives, since I am the one with the income I am buying the ring. He is perfectly ok with this! We have even talked about having him buying the upgarde once he gets a job and saves. 

 

Post # 26
Member
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

If he’s cool with it, sure.  Presumably you guys are going to have combined finances anyways, so in the end it’s all the same money.  If the thought makes him uncomfortable, and you know what you want, would you be open to a cheaper alternative stone or smaller rock?

Post # 27
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@JhbBride:  My fiance and I did something similar. He had set a budget and I offered to pay the difference if I went over. We ended up staying within the budget so I just decided that I will pay for the wedding bands. We usually split things 50/50 so it ended up being a 30 second conversation. He wasn’t offended at all.

Post # 28
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

My boyfriend is paying for the engagement ring and I will be buying the wedding bands. While I make more money than him, I know he definitely does not want me contributing towards the engagement ring. I did spend many months choosing the perfect ring within his budget because I’m picky as hell! At first he felt like I was sucking the romance out of the process but now he’s proud that he’s buying me something that I love and am so excited about and he’s actually relieved that he didn’t have to choose something.

Post # 29
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

@JhbBride:  I just want to say you rock :). I am happy to see a woman who is willing to step in for her man and join costs.

Just be gentle and let him know that you’re willing to make up the difference.

Post # 30
Member
2085 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I can only say what I would do knowing MY Fiance… only you know your man and how to approach him or what kind of personality he is.

In our situation, he was making more than me and he’s better with finances in general than me.  However, if we’d been in your shoes…. Hmmm.  We’re pretty open and modern too.  I’d probably show him what I like online (not in a store bc I wouldn’t want him to feel awkward or disappointed infront of clerks or feel bummed that he can’t afford what I like).  If he’s like “whoaaa that’s a pricey ring you’re looking at” Then I’d say something like “Well… can we discuss the options for paying for it?  What if I put in a percentage of the cost?”

However, I also wouldn’t assume that he couldn’t afford it.  If he knows what you want and what it costs, it might just mean you have to wait longer to get engaged until he can save enough. 

For us, my Fiance was making more, but he was also about to go back to school for a year and would be unemployed for that year.  He chose a ring he thought he’d be able to pay back relatively quickly… and ended up getting a student line of credit to buy the ring so that way he only paid the interest for the year he was in school and didn’t start actually making payments until this year when he finished. 

He’s not making great money now, but he bought me a $5000 ring and has only $2000 left to pay off after only 4 months of being at work.  Not too shabby.  But it was his choice.  So you never know what they can afford when they’re determined.

 

Post # 31
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

we are a pretty non-traditional couple (heck, he even agreed to hyphenate his name with me!) and we still got an engagement ring.  But, at the time of engagement, we had been living together AND had joined our finances.  I wouldn’t say he paid or I paid, but it was paid out of our joint account.

That being said, that meant that I knew exactly how much and when it was coming.  He kept me abreast of the timeline the entire time.  His mom gave him a family diamond at a dinner one night.  He lasted all the way until we got into the car to go home before he showed it to me.  1 weeks later, he had a setting picked out that he ran by me first and another week later it was at the jeweler.  We got engaged 2 months later, and I saw a picture of the ring prior, even though I didn’t see that actual thing.

I saw nothing wrong with the idea that I knew how much it cost, knew what it looked like, etc.  He told me that he wanted to spend $X on the ring, and I told him no – since we had joint finances, I did not want him to spend so much money.  Luckily, with the diamond we already received, the total cost of custom-doing a ring was only 20% of his initial estimate, and that was A-OK with me.

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