(Closed) contribution to costs instead of gift?

posted 5 years ago in Gifts and Registries
  • poll: Is it alright to request help with costs instead of a gift?
    Yes : (21 votes)
    14 %
    No : (128 votes)
    86 %
  • Post # 3
    7211 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @MadsTheGallifreyan:  yes, it is rude to request cash. I’ve had a couple people TELL me they want to pay for some part of the wedding in lieu of a gift, but I would never request that. 

    Post # 5
    839 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @MadsTheGallifreyan:  It’s fine to politely ask for cash via the proper channels but you really cannot ask people for cash gifts to help you pay for the wedding. As someone paying for their own wedding and saving for a bigger home, I’d probably think ‘pay for your own damn wedding!’ and consider it rather rude.  Sorry but I find this idea to be very tacky. I don’t mind what you do with the money after I give it to you, but I don’t want to be solicited to pay for your event. 


    Post # 7
    5955 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    The whole cash thing is sort of tricky.  The reality is that most couples would prefer cash for their wedding, so you aren’t alone!  Typically people handle this in a a few ways:

    1) don’t do a registry.  In many circles this is widely understood as code for “we prefer cash”

    2) tell your mom.  That way when people ask her what you’d like for the wedding, she can say something like “I know the kids are saving up to buy a house and would prefer cash.”  For some reason it’s ok for her to say it, but not for you to say it.

    Good luck!  In some families/cultures it’s totally normal to give cash and everyone does so (luckily, this is the norm in my family!).  In others, not so much.  

    Post # 8
    3026 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

    I asked this same question a few months back and I finally gave up on the idea. There’s just not a good way to make this preference known. The suggestions by the PP about not doing a registry and letting your family know– so if people ask, it can be made known– those are what I’ll be doing as well.

    Post # 9
    8680 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    @MadsTheGallifreyan:  It is rude to straight out ask for others to fund your wedding. Just don’t make a registry (not that they are all that common except for Myer & DJ’s in Australia anyway) and if anyone asks just say we are saving for (insert thing here like house, deck, honeymoon etc) and would really appreciate help towards that.

    I think brides and grooms should never go into a wedding expecting to recoup the cost of their wedding and should plan a wedding that they can comfortably afford.

    Try looking at different options such as free or low cost public spaces ( parks, beaches), alternative catering (try your local Indian or Thai community group as they often are set up for catering or even a local restaurant) and alternative reception venues (community halls, school halls, restaurants). Also cutting things like flowers/centrepieces can help keep the budget down.

    A great way to keep the budget down is to cut the guest list. Do you really need to invite the 3 facebook friends from high school? Who is really a friend and who is an acquaintance?

    Post # 10
    2600 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @MadsTheGallifreyan:  Yes, it would be incredibly rude and embarrassing.

    Bridal couples have come to see their wedding guests as a source of income that they are entitled to direct as they please. That is incorrect and very rude.

    Its not up to you to spent other peoples money for them. Beyond that, it should be unthinkable to go begging amongst your family and friends as if you’re destitute.

    Have the wedding you can afford.

    Post # 12
    13248 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Yes, it is incredibly rude to ask your guests to finance your wedding.  You should just have the wedding you can afford.  Whatever you do will be lovely, whether it’s a small backyard affair, or a black tie gala — the beauty of a wedding comes from the love of the couple, not from the bottom line amount spent!

    Post # 13
    46 posts
    • Wedding: January 2014

    @MadsTheGallifreyan:  Well, if you are truly not getting married until 2016, you could do what I did. This past Christmas, anyone who would normally be buying me gifts I asked to give me money towards my wedding instead of Christmas gifts. Everyone was happy to do it. 🙂

    Post # 15
    2600 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @MadsTheGallifreyan:  Don’t feel bad – there’s a lot of bad advise out there. A good rule of thumb is not to take etiquette advise from the wedding industry!  They’re just interested in talking you into doing anything and everything that will make you buy more stuff.

    Miss Manners has a great little book called something like, “HowTo Plan the Perfect Wedding” (not sure if this is the correct title, but its close – I’m sure if you look on Amazon under Miss Manners it’ll pop right up.}

    Anyway, its a small book packed with great advise.  No, its not stuffy at all.  It simply tells you how to be a gracious hostess and plan a wedding that both you and your guests will enjoy.  She’s actually a fan of very simple weddings and tells you that a bunch of that stuff that has become common isn’t necessary at all.  Its not only informative, its a good read.  She explains WHY things are rude or not.  Pick it up – its worth the money.  

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