Post # 1
Hi Bees! I eagerly stalk WB often but this is my first time writing a post. I need some honest, thoughtful bee-advice.
My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together nearly a year. We met online in June ’09 and had out first date following my bar exam at the end of July ’09. On the second date we talked about kids and marriage. We were on the same page from day one. No one is shocked we are discussing marriage. Friends and family on both sides have welcomed us with open arms. I feel blessed.
As a lawyer/type A/control freak, I have a tendency to micromanage just about everything. I designed my ring. He cannot tell the difference between diamond dust and the $32,000 butter yellow diamond that I drooled on but refused to try on lest I accidentally swallowed, ran from the store and fled the jurisdiction! He wants me to be happy and admits the ring will be on my hand not his and is perfectly content to watch on as I muse over stones (FYI – it is a 1.20 ct slate blue cushion cut sapphire set horizontally in a split shank white gold setting… SWOON!).
Unfortunately, herein lies the problem, the custom making of the ring takes time. The jeweler has to acquire a number of stones for me to choose from and then estimates about six weeks to make the ring. We are dealing with a jeweler in my home state (made all my mom’s rings and it was important for me to deal locally and with people who knew me) and I happen to live six hours south of there for a job. “We” (me) choose the stone the next time I am home July 23 and then the ring will be complete beginning of September, which works well, because we move back there at the same time.
As I mentioned, I micromanage. I want to control. Luckily, Boyfriend or Best Friend is so laid back and let’s me control… to a point. But, I had my little type-A heart set on a proposal on our 1 year anniversary, July 30. We are recreating our first date, down to same meals, same drinks out (minus post-bar exam haze) even the same hotel room (don’t judge, we drank a bit too much and couldn’t drive, so we ended up at a hotel – something I will NEVER tell our parents or my future children – but he was a perfect gentleman). I really wanted this. Not only because I love the significance of the date, the setting is so us. I can appreciate that the date of it’s proposal will carry its own significance but I had hoped for a DW on the same date a year or two out.
uugg, so, long story short, I am having trouble letting go. Letting go of both the date and on a more cerebral level, the control of the proposal itself.
Advise me wise bees! xx LB
Post # 3
I can relate. Maybe you could still do the July 30 proposal with a place-holder ring? Buy a piece of costume jewelery, get engaged, and just explain that the ring is being custom-made.
Post # 4
I can totally relate but don’t have any advice as I just posted in this forum asking for the same! I am also a control freak and this whole “man proposes, woman waits” thing is so uncool. Like you, we have discussed rings, timing, etc so it is not at all a surprise but we both wanted the actual proposal to be a surprise… or at least I thought I did. Now that a proposal is coming (I think) not at all in a way I would have planned I am reconsidering. 😉
My advice would be to just let it happen. Im sure like me (I think) you will be thrilled once it happens and forget all this pre-engagement stuff.
I also agree that a stand in fake ring is great and also a fun way to talk about and build up excitement for your custom ring, which sounds gorgeous! But its hard to push your Boyfriend or Best Friend in a direction without feeling like you are taking all the steam out of his plans.
Im sure it will all work out!
Post # 5
Stop! I am the same way and I had to stop myself from controlling everything. Let him create the day. This is his big part of the wedding planning. When people ask him how he proposed and how he thought of the idea, he is going to say, “She told me what to do.” I knew that I would be creating the wedding and putting all of my ideas and research into that day, so I sat back and let him handle the proposal. He is so proud of how he planned the day, surprised me, and made me the happiest person alive, that it just makes me so happy. It was so romantic how he put thought into the plans. He knows you, he knows what you like, and he will make the day special for you. Trust him and let go! Let him make that day special for you, the way that he thinks that you would like it. It is much more romantic that way!
Post # 6
I really think the proposal will be more special if you let him plan it, no matter what you think your Dream Proposal is. My Fiance proposed down on one knee in our basement when I got home from work one night – certainly not what I expected but it was the most romantic, exciting thing ever and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
When the words “will you marry me?” actually come out your boyfriend’s mouth, you will seriously not care where you are or what day it is. Trust me on this! You might think you know how you will feel when the proposal happens, but it’s going to be 20,000 times better. Let him take care of it!
Post # 7
You. Must. Chill.
As many hive members have previously observed, the proposal is the ONE part of the process over which he exercises total control. It’s his last real moment in the sun before the maelstrom of wedding planning descends, and he deserves to own it.
Your life is not a movie starring and directed by you. It’s a messy, complex combination of events, people, emotions and experiences that will often fall far short of perfect. Obsessing about whether or not the rose petals fall just so or the appetizer is precisely the same temperature as it was the last time you ate it will rob you of the opportunity to appreciate all sorts of unique and spontaneous gifts from the universe, not to mention the rush brought on by a partner’s authetic, unchoreographed expressions of love.
The romance of a proposal has very little to do with the where, the when and the how. It has to do with knowing that the person asking you to share a life together has spent time and effort crafting a moment that s/he believes reflects the fullness of his/her feelings for you.
Post # 8
you designed the ring. let him do the proposal.
Post # 9
Oooh I understand a fellow-type A personality…
Before my Fiance proposed, I wanted to be in control (bc it’s something I could NOT control!)…
In the end, he popped the question in a way I would have never suspected and it was a MILLION times better that way.
After, I realized it really is not about how he does it or when he does it. You will make a special memory of that moment in time for the rest of your life. These types of things can not be designed or rehersed.
I know it’s frustrating to not have the control (especially as your bf sounds like he’s pretty easy going)… but this is one of the few times you will be happy to have those anxious feelings. TRUST ME.
It may look good on paper to have him propose on your 1 year, but don’t force it. You can have a new date/time/place that marks this event.
It’s your turn to learn from your bf’s easy going nature and take a step back yourself. He’s the guy, let him have his moment to shine.
Post # 10
I so understand where you’re coming from. I’m just like you (control freak/type A/lawyer) and I am having a hard time with this whole waiting thing.
Something I’ve learned lately is that most men truly want to be “the man.” They want some control and they want to do for us, the women they love. And they want praise for this.
With my guy, it is often hard for me to relinquish control and let him do for me. But you know what? In the end it is worth it. First off, it feels really darn good to be cared for. Something that was seriously missing from my first marriage. Second, my guy seems genuinely fulfilled and happy when he is able to pamper, surprise, or care for me. It is a win-win situation.
This definitely applies to the proposal situation. Think of it as a growth exercise…force yourself to step back and let things happen as they will. You might not get your dream proposal on 7/30. It might be disappointing but it will probably work out great in the end.
Now I will try to resume following my own advice. As I’ve written before, my guy shocked the heck out of me when he spontaneously decided to take me ring shopping and bought be a breathtaking ring in January while we were on a cruise in the Caribbean. It was not what he planned to do, as he is pretty traditional and was a little bummed that I knew about the ring and what it looked like.
Since then (5 months and 8 days – hehe), I’ve been a waiting bee. It is making me INSANE. But I am trying hard not to steal his thunder and let him do his thing. It is tough. Especially b/c I have my heart set on a certain wedding date and location, and it is coming up FAST.
I know you said your Boyfriend or Best Friend is pretty passive about this stuff, but I think you need to let him step up and handle this his way. Trust me. In the end you won’t regret it.
Post # 11
I was in exactly the same place a year ago today.
Figure out what is important to you about the proposal and make it clear to him. It sounds like you are going to get your perfect ring, and that it’s important to you that it is on July 31. Well, he might not like having the date dictated to him, if he’s anything like my Fiance. He wanted to be in control of that. But if that date is important to him too and he is ok with a stand-in ring, then I don’t see why not. Let him know what would make you happy.
I was actually kind of disappointed in my proposal and the reason was because Fiance didn’t give a speech about why he wanted to marry ME, and the ring didn’t fit. He did talk about how this was finally the right time, but that seemed more about HIM. And the ring not fitting wouldn’t have bothered me, except I made a point of telling him my ring size after I found the ring 3 months before the proposal and suspected it wouldn’t fit. It felt like he was thoughtless not to check that and fix it.
And maybe this is not what you need to hear, but I’m not so sure about everyone saying that if you just let go of control things will be perfect. I certainly believe that can happen sometimes, but not all the time. Just because he does things his way doesn’t mean it’s going to wow you necessarily, especially if you have very different ideas about romance and different ways of expressing love. Personally, I was kind of underwhelmed by the proposal that my Fiance planned all by himself, and the fact that he did it without my telling him what to do didn’t make it more special, except in the way that a 3-year-old’s scribble’s are special to their parents. Just saying.
Post # 12
I think you should focus on celebrating your relationship on the 1 year anniversary instead of expecting a crafted proposal. I understand it’s hard, trust me. But you are in a great position: you know you are getting engaged, you have a general time frame, you got to pick your ring and everyone who loves you is on board!
My advice is don’t let the pressure/weight of the wedding take away any joy from the fabulous day you two have planned. Concentrate on bringing back that day and making each other happy, try not to talk about the future or a proposal.
Good luck and an early congrats!
Post # 13
Wow – I have to say, the PP on this thread are some brilliant women 🙂
Essentially, I second all of this incredibly well thought and incessantly hard to follow advice. It was much easier to wait once I realized exactly what teaadntoast wrote about: the proposal is truly the moment for our men to shine. We should let them have it and own it. It is a moment purely for them to create and for us to enjoy.
Post # 14
Girl, this is my first post EVER and I’m right up/down (?) the road in Hoboken.
We are the same person minus a law degree.
I’ve known my boyfriend since I was two flippin’ years old. He was my Prom and Homecoming date and despite that, we never dated. For school he went North and I went South and 11 years later bumped into each other. The rest is history. Well, 8.5 months of history.
Anyway, we too have had the same conversations, ring shopping (me), ring designing (me) and telling him–btw well played on the horizontal set!–and date planning. Our 1 year is 10/10/10. I want that date. Want it. Alas, he is on a different calendar than I.
After one of my “are you really waiting until 2011?!” rants the other night he said, “Honey, this is the last time in my LIFE that I’m going to be in control of something. Let me enjoy it. Please.” I had to laugh. He’s right.
So I am trying my best. His mother, his buisness contacts and pretty much everyone who hears our story is pushing on him to ‘just do it already’. I figured I would TRY to take the back seat and let him do his thing.
I am going to live by lilybay’s comment…”When the words ‘will you marry me?’ actually come out your boyfriend’s mouth, you will seriously not care where you are or what day it is.” Join me?
Post # 15
I totally understand; I tried to micromanage the proposal as well. The problem is, because of this, I knew it was coming (he did the same thing you are wishing for–recreation of the entire first date). In retrospect, I wish I hadn’t given so much attention and thought to “when” he was proposing, because I think it would have been REALLY fun to be completely surprised.