(Closed) Control issues with FMIL

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4546 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

That’s a really tough situation and one that you have very little control over. It sounds like you’ve tried to resolve the issue but she is bound and determined to make it as difficult and dramatic as possible. Coming from someone who has a mother who creates difficult situations and then wants others to make them better, I can tell you I empathize. Ultimately, I’d try not to stress to much about it because you’ve done what you can and if she was really offended and wanted to try and work it out, she’d do so without making things worse at every turn.

Post # 4
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - The Royal Park Hotel

I’m so sorry, gal. From someone who also puts a lot of stock in family opinions and respect, I know first-hand how much a situation like this can sting. If his Mom has a history of being melodramatic and difficult, your Fiance has had years more experience with ignoring her, and unfortunately that may be a skill you’ll also have to hone with time. I’m still working on that myself. 😉

If I may make a suggestion, don’t let your Fiance pass along the negative comments your Future Mother-In-Law is making about you. It doesn’t serve any purpose other than making you stressed and miserable, and that’s not something you should have to deal with. *hugs*

Post # 6
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Ditto tartlet.  Your Fiance shouldn’t be passing on the comments. If you are his outlet, he needs to find another one or just stop engaging in her email fights.  Maybe he should just stop responding, stop giving her a reaction and stop playing her games. 

From personal experience, having a “family meeting” (who are we kidding, family meeting??  Yeah, it’ll be more of a Future Mother-In-Law gets everything off of her chest, she tells you every single little thing you have ever done that she doesn’t like) on her turf will likely end in disaster (it will end in disaster anyways).  If you must have it, do it on your own turf (I do realize she doesn’t come over) OR if you go to her, get a hotel room so it’s “your” turf.  Unless of course you enjoy getting ripped to shreds over and over.

 

Post # 8
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Well I highly doubt she will blame him when the time comes.  I understand about the birthday card- Mother-In-Law was the one to issue an ultimatum and his birthday card was just pukable. 

I remember thinking about the mother/son dance as well and anything involving her.  Most times it made me gag but I just planned what I could and pushed that to the back of my mind because Mother-In-Law sure isn’t paying rent with all the space she is taking up in my head.  Actually I took myself out of anything involving Mother-In-Law with our wedding; what I mean is that I didn’t give input into the dance, I was very not interested and left it up to Darling Husband.

I’m glad you are going to ask him to vent somewhere else.  Of course we want to be there for our SO’s but it will eventually place a wedge between the two of you.  And that is one way Mother-In-Law “wins” because she divides and conquers in the end.

Post # 9
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - The Royal Park Hotel

@JaneDomani: Don’t worry, none of what you said sounds crazy at all. It sounds like you and your Fiance have a great rapport, and you’re handling yourself beautifully in showing him by example how to resolve conflicts as adults. Seriously, I applaud your patience, and I think your Fiance and mine could have been separated at birth. 😉

Having been in a similar pair of shoes (and the wedding being right around the corner), the only advice I can give is to keep focusing on the positives. While I truly hope things turn around in your situation, it may be that your Future Mother-In-Law is destined to be a Negative Nancy. If that ends up being the case, accept that she will always be unhappy about something, but there’s really nothing you can do about it except limit your contact to keep your own sanity intact. That doesn’t make you a bad fiancee or a bad daughter-in-law–some people just can’t be pleased!

Post # 11
Member
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m so sorry 🙁 I have some inlaw issues too and honestly, I know it’s horrible but I have the same thoughts about my “imaginary” children too! and I’m glad to know I’m not the only one…I start thinking things like, “I don’t want my children to not have a set of grandparents, but honestly, I don’t want my future children being influenced by this woman!! I don’t want them picking up any of her attitude, demeanor or way of life. If she doesn’t grow up and become a mature adult, she might not be seeing them very often if at all…” I know that’s horrible but I can’t help but think it!!

Post # 12
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Just because they’re family, that does NOT give them permission to treat you like trash. She has issues that didn’t start with you and your fiance’s relationship. If she can’t get over it, then do what you feel would make you happy, even if it means keeping distance or uninviting. Unfortunately it’s REALLY tough and I’m a big family person too. We recently uninvited my Future Mother-In-Law to our wedding because she was judging us for everything we did wrong, even when we apologized for the things we legitimately saw we did wrong, and said we’re being condemned by God for not clearing up issues before we get married… AKA, she’s a nutcase. Cut it off now! Stay in contact with your Future Father-In-Law and your fiance can maintain whatever relationship he wants with her, but for you personally, decide what’s best. If your fiance agrees and will stand with you on this, cut off contact and tell her why you’re doing so, and then within a few years she’ll wake up. (I’ve seen it happen with my future stepmom-in-law).

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