(Closed) Controlling Friends?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Why are you letting your friends make your wedding decisions?

Do what you want and what feels right to you! Good friends will be excited and happy for you – whether they really can come or not.

I’m just not totally sure why your friends are getting so much say. I know that you care about what they think, but it sounds more like they are the ones calling the shots than them giving you their “input”.

Post # 4
Member
3039 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I guess they disagree with your plans because it might be difficult for them to travel with small children. That said, it’s still your wedding and I think you should go ahead with your dreams. Following other peoples visions feels plain wrong to me when it comes to a wedding. Sure, if it’s your mum or grandma who wants to incorporate some traditional elements, but not your friends criticizing your decisions because it’s inconvenient to them!

Post # 6
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You’re not being selfish, they are. Be firm with them about your plans, when they see they can’t change your mind they’ll back off. If you want to show them that you care & are willing to accomodate them, maybe plan some activities or special treats for the kids who will be attending the wedding. You only get one go at this…make sure you follow your heart & besides, your Fiance gets a say in all this too ; )

Post # 7
Member
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m having a hard time figuring out why you are compromising what YOU want for some friends that are simply guests, none of them are paying for your wedding, or should have any say in it. You should stand up for yourself and tell them what’s what. It’s awful convenient for them all to have such opinons about your wedding when they’ve alrady had their turn and I’m sure did everything THEY wanted to do. Maybe that’s all you really need to say, it’s your turn, they had theirs. Maybe they can try being more supportive and less negative.

Post # 8
Member
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

You are allowed to have your wedding whereever you want. If you try to pick a day and place that works for everyone then you will be looking a long time. I guess when I did my wedding I assumed my friends, if they loved and respected me, would be there no matter what. I found that to be true. I didn’t miss the people that couldn’t be there.

Don’t compromise on what you want for your wedding. If you and your Fiance want to go get married there, then go and those that come with will be lucky they had the opportunity to witness the event.

Post # 9
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

Do not let any of these people talk you out of your dream wedding. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to come. DO NOT plan your wedding around them, especially when it’s just negativity from them. Your plans so far sound wonderful 🙂 It sounds like they’re dealing with jealousy and resentment.

Post # 10
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Hate to be cynical, but could it be they are a little jealous that you’re having a wedding of your dreams? Perhaps they didn’t get that because they married so young (esp fresh out of high school..unless they have well off families/parents)? Or mebbe their own marriages isn’t flowers and sunshine? Just a thought.

I agree with another Bee that if they’re not the ones paying for it, they have no say (so just don’t let them). No one should have a say with decision-making if they’re not the ones helping to pay for the wedding. You got one ‘go’ at this, do it right and in the way that makes you happy. You have one life to live, and now that you’re sharing it with your Fiance, your final decisions is ultimately yours and his together. The worse thing is to look back and have regrets about your wedding. “I wish I followed my heart…” etc etc.

For example, would you have regrets looking back if you had went with your blood relatives/family’s so-called ‘practical’ career choices and not with what your current career path is? Right now, regarding your wedding, it seems the tables are turned with your friends, except this is in regards to your wedding. Ultimately, send them a formal invitation so they are acknowledged and won’t get offended, but if they choose not to come, that’s on them and they can’t blame you (if they do, they’re not being good friends). At this point, the wedding planning should be just between your Fiance and you and your bridalparty (and whoever is helping to pay for it, if any). You should not involve any more ppl than that. In my personal experience (I’m currently planning my own btw), I learned that if I talk about it too much, ppl will want to either (1)-want to have their say and then become demanding/controlling regarding the decisionmaking if it’s not the way they would like to get married (which btw they’re NOT, you are!), (2)-overstepping with their ‘two cents’, or (3) both.

Regardles of what you do, this is your wedding…not theirs. They had their chance and if they ever want to renew their vows with their significant other, they’re more than welcome to do whatever the way they want. I’m sure they would not appreciate ppl telling them they can’t do this and can’t do that. Right? If they are really good friends as you say, they will stay your friends even if you choose to do things they would not, and if they get mad…well, they will get over it and life goes on. It’s not like they’ll get so mad that they will denounce you from their lives and threaten that the friendship will be over–hope that never happens but IF they did, you’ll know for sure who your real friends are (ppl can change, and friends change…).

Again, I’m all for keeping the wedding planning between you and you Fiance, and include the bridal party and whoever is paying for the wedding. But ultimately it’s still you and your FI’s decision whether some like it or not–you can’t please everyone. And letting more ppl have a heresay is like opening a can of worms. And that will be nothing more than stress and heartache for you.  

Post # 11
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly, I think you need to put your foot down with these friends of yours.  It seems like they are used to getting their way with you and now they EXPECT it of you.  Just because these girls have been there for you does NOT mean that they own you and get to rule over your life.  However, the more you give into them, especially when you give into their demands about really important things like this, the more power they think they have over you and the more controlling they become.  You have two choices here: you can either take back control of your life by standing up to your friends and having the wedding the way that YOU want it; or you can spend the rest of your life trying to please your friends even when the things that they want you to do make you unhappy.  Getting married is a great opportunity to change your life in multiple ways for the better.  My advice to you is to make your decisions from now on based on what you and your husband want, NOT on what these friends of yours want, and the wedding is a good time to start because if they control your wedding, they’re also going to want to control your marriage, and you can’t have that.

Remember, you do NOT need your friends’ permission to have/do certain things at your wedding because it’s your wedding, NOT theirs!  If they choose not to come just because you didn’t give into their demands, then that’s their choice (and their loss), and honestly, if they’re going to be THAT petty about it, I wouldn’t want them there anyway if I were you.  Real friends are there for you and not just when you’re giving into them!

Post # 13
Member
45 posts
Newbee

I completely agree!! Its YOUR wedding so it should be YOUR choice how you want to do it.  Yours friends will get over it or they will show there true colors. They should be more supportive of what you want. Some of them may be jealous or it might just be the fact its not something they would of done for there own wedding but everyone has different dreams for there wedding and you need to stick to yours. Either way Do what makes you happy 🙂 not your friends.

Post # 15
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@SLillyLam:  If I wasn’t sure before, I know it now… these girls are NOT your friends–they’re what you call “frenemies,” girls who pretend to be your friends but are really your enemies. Frenemies are manipulative and passive-aggressive just like these girls are.  They’re nice enough to your face and pretend to be your friend but they secretly hope that you’ll fail and sometimes even have a hand in trying to CAUSE your failure, like these girls are now.

Even if they don’t believe that your fiance is the one for you, that is NOT their decision to make, and as you said, they could have (and SHOULD have) talked to YOU about their feelings instead of trying to sabotage you.  Badmouthing you to your families behind your backs is an especially low blow and I’d be severely pissed if I were you.  Seriously, they had absolutely NO right!  They’ve created an awful lot of trouble for you and didn’t even have the decency to tell you to your face how they really felt.  I’m sorry, but REAL friends DON’T do this.  Even if they truly do believe that you’re making a mistake, the thing for them to do would have been to talk to you about it and continue to support you anyway especially if their suspicions turned out to be right.  You CANNOT control other people, you can only offer advice and support them and continue to support them even if they don’t take your advice and wind up making a mistake.  You really do need to put these girls in their places because they are WAY out of line, and even their own husbands think so!  The fact that one of their own husbands felt strongly enough about it to call you and warn you should speak volumes to you.

Post # 16
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You have an important decision to make here.  Are you going to allow your frenemies to destroy your relationship with the man you intend to marry, or are you going to stick up for yourself and for him?  A line has to be drawn in the sand here, and for me there would be no question that anyone who ever tried to come between me and my husband is no friend of mine.  You are not a child and have the right to live your life whatever way you see fit.  No one has the right to interfere with that.

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