(Closed) Controlling future FIL. Long rant.

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@frustratedbridetobe:  Umm…I guess I’m just really confused as to why you would give them copies of contracts that have nothing to do with them?  To me, it sounds like he wants to know if the caterer is refundable because he’s hoping that you will go with something cheaper.

Honestly, I can see going over the budget with someone who is contributing, but I don’t understand this.  What expenses are they helping with?

Post # 4
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Wow.  It sounds like you have been doing a great job dealing with him but you should not have to!  I honestly would NOT send him the contracts unless it’s something he’s paying for specifically, it sounds like it is going to open a giant can of worms!  If your wedding is in 2 months than most/all of the contracts should already be worked out and signed so there is no benefit of him reviewing them.   I’d tell him they’re already signed and cannot be changed (whether or not that’s true) and you don’t feel there’s any need for him to review them.  Hopefully you can get your fiance and Future Mother-In-Law to back you up.  It sounds like you’ve done all of this amazing work to plan your wedding and deal with him at the same time. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Hi – I wouldn’t engage with him in his controling behavior.  If he wants to give you a gift, then he should give it to you. If there are strings, then you and your Fiance should do without.

I wouldn’t play his game.  If anything, I think you and your Fiance should work on establishing appropriate boundies now. What happens when you want to buy a house?  Are you going to give him your financial documents to review then too?

 

Post # 7
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Smile and say “thank you so much for your opinion.  It really means a lot to us both that you want to help.”  and then do what you want anyway 🙂 

Post # 9
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Don’t give it to him.  Ask him why he wants to see them instead.  If he says, to find out if they are refundable, tell him that is irrelevant because you do not intend to cancel the vendors, that you researched carefully before entering into the contract and are satisfied this provides the best value for you.  If he says that he is paying towards it, say “I’m sorry, perhaps I misunderstood that the $ would be a gift.  We appreciate any sum that you give us.”

Why are the sons not paying for the tuxes themselves?

Post # 11
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@frustratedbridetobe:  Ah.  Then I would say “Thank you for letting me know.  I would be happy to speak with Jonny and Sam directly about this issue.”  Refuse to discuss further with him.  “Thank you, yes, I understand you believe the tuxes are too expensive.  We will discuss the issure directly with them.”  And if they are in the wedding party, you can always add “We will discuss the issure directly with them: their options including whether they would prefer to step down.”  If you talk to the sons, everything is kosher, then next time “Oh actually I already spoke with them and they are all set.”

Post # 13
Member
7739 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree you need to more assertive, but more important is your fiance needs to be more assertive. Because he’s his father, (and to a lesser degree because they’re both men), it needs to be Fiance who does most of the talking to Future Father-In-Law.

Post # 14
Member
7739 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree you need to more assertive, but more important is your fiance needs to be more assertive. Because he’s his father, (and to a lesser degree because they’re both men), it needs to be Fiance who does most of the talking to Future Father-In-Law.

Post # 15
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Your Fiance needs to control this one.  My parents paid for our wedding and didn’t even ask for contracts because they knew I worked my butt off to keep costs low. (Even though my parents certainly weren’t happy at how expensive weddings are!) Your in-laws don’t need your contracts or the contact info for your vendors– I’d be worried about them doing something crazy like contacting them on their own!  

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