Controlling, jealous husband…do I stay?

posted 2 weeks ago in Emotional
Post # 31
10859 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

confusedsadbee :  

Of course you must leave, Bee.  He will get worse and you will continue to lose yourself.

But, you have to be smart and careful about *how* you leave.  These guys don’t like it when their quarry tries to flee and may escalate.  It’s important to have an exit plan.  If you are in the US, please contact the DV Hotline or your local domestic violence facility (you qualify) for guidance.

The Hotline has counselors available 24/7 to chat with you about your relationship.


Home – The Hotline®


Post # 32
94 posts
Worker bee

confusedsadbee :  You have literally answered the question for yourself. No help needed. None of that is normal.  

Post # 33
3794 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

confusedsadbee :  Awe OP.. I’m so sorry. You know none of this is normal, but you probably dont even realize how abnormal it is. You’ll look back on this one day and it’ll blow you away how normalized he made all this abuse feel. Abuse isnt just physical. You only get one life, please don’t spend it bending over backwards to turn yourself into someone who doesnt care about the real you. If he cared about the real you, he would let you be yourself! Talk to a a domestic abuse hotline or shelter and make some plans to get yourself out of there! It’s time to get your life back!

Post # 34
3872 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

confusedsadbee :  Bee this is seriously terrifying.  Please listen to the bees who provided the number for the DV hotline.  Make sure you delete your internet history so he can’t find this post either.  Getting out of this relationship safely is the most important thing for you to do right now. 

Post # 35
561 posts
Busy bee

This is mental and emotional abuse and it WILL escalate. Please get out and find yourself a good therapist so you can work on yourself and whatever allowed you to get to this point, with him. We all have our weaknesses and he is currently preying on yours. Please please please for your own safety and sanity and future. Leave. If you have kids with this man, do you really want your children to think this type of relationship is ok?!?!?

Post # 36
194 posts
Blushing bee

please leave bee.  this is scary and unacceptable.  do not let him separate you from your friend. 

Post # 37
1372 posts
Bumble bee

This sort of situation always makes me sad.  If you are so unhappy with him and have to ask people if you should stay with him, you know what we are going to say.  No one would expect anyone to stay with someone that is jealous, controlling, has anger issues, and makes them feel depressed and low. But we can only offer advice – the rest is up to you.  I think you need to remove yourself from him for a bit – go stay with family or friends – and seek counselling to help you navigate your feelings about your marriage and your husband.  The longer you stay with him, the harder it will be for you to help yourself if he is as jealous and controlling as you say he is.  If you want freedom and independence in your marriage, then that is what you need to stand up for.  He needs to go for counselling too, but if he won’t, then you should work on yourself and building yourself up to be stronger and less afraid of wanting to live the life you want with someone.  You deserve to be happy.

Post # 38
1214 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

This is behavior from someone who is deeply insecure, to the point where they only feel a false sense of control when they can exert it on others (which doesn’t work, and is abusive). This is SO dangerous, someone who is insecure is unpredictable and WILL end up lashing out, especially in domestic situations where they have the other “locked down” into marriage. I’d be willing to bet that this behavior became much worse after you guys got married. 

Post # 39
3541 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

That’s wonderful he hasn’t hit you. YET. With this level of emotional abuse I would bet money on it escalating at some point.  Please do what you need to do, and get out of this situation. 

Post # 40
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

The reason you are worried about hurting his feelings is because he has conditioned you to feel this way, I don’t have any advice over how to reverse this since it does take time to reverse the years of damage he has caused. You will have to live on your own again just regain that sense of self and relearn who you are. I worked in a job for 13 years that people are very against, once I stopped working in that environment it took me years to feel normal again. That rediscovery doesn’t happen overnight just like the mental abuse your husband is putting you through, it will most likely take as many years (if not more) to regain what he has taken from you. 

Post # 41
2458 posts
Buzzing bee

You are in danger. He is abusive. You need to leave before it escalates further.  

Do you have combined finances?  

You need to start thinking about things like securing access to money, making sure you have copies of all important financial documenets (house deed, mortgage paperwork, rental/lease agreement, car loan, cell phone bill, etc) and that you know all the info for any shared accounts like credit cards.  You also need to make sure you have things like your birth certificate, your passport, etc.   

Do you have a safe place to go, like a friend or family member, if you had to leave right now?  

Post # 42
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

This sounds like my ex to a T. He IS abusing you, and things areprobably going to get physical. that thing he did where he justified his jealousy bc of something you did? Yeah that just going to get worse and worse. you CAN leave! i did and i can tell you that the life you want is out there and you can have it! just leave, whatever you have to do just make it happen. He isnt going to change, and in fact if you do stay 2-3 years from now, or any time in the future really, you are probably going to think of this and how much worse it has gotten over time. people like this dont change. you dont deserve this. there are so many resources available to women for situations like this, do some research and take the leap. 

Post # 43
148 posts
Blushing bee

This is a form of emotional abuse.  Listen to yourself, your depression is telling you your situation is toxic.  You deserve more, bee.  

Post # 44
47 posts

Like others have said, this is emotional and verbal abuse. It will escalate to physical, it’s a matter of time. You need to escape.

Also like others have said, utilize the domestic violence helpline and heavily lean on family and friends for their support. You need it and that’s what they’re there for.

Gonna add that when you physically leave, removing your belongings and yourself from the home, get the police involved. Contact your local department and ask for a keep the peace. Explain the situation. Let them know you will be pursuing a restraining order for your safety, but for now you just want to go somewhere safe. Believe me, they will understand.

Coming from a former cop, my heart breaks for you. I hope you start your life over in a safe place and you heal from this trauma. It will take time, but I’ve seen frightened victims become badass survivors, and you will also get there.

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