Controlling mother

posted 2 months ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Part of growing up is being able to walk away/limit interactions with people who are toxic and unpleasant – including family members.

I would suggest you limit all contact with your mother and live your own life. She likely wont react well to this and you’ll either have to develop thick skin to ignore her childish behavior or remove her from your life.

Best of luck to you.

Post # 3
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2019

Is she paying for any part of  the wedding? If not, I simply would never mention it to her again. Send her an invitation and let it be. She’ll show up. 

If she is paying, you either have to entertain her thoughts, or refuse her contribution.

I’m so sorry you are going through this! I hope she comes around.

Post # 4
Member
8018 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Don’t engage in ‘family fights’ over this. Calmly state your dates/choices etc and if your mother rages that she won’t come, tell her that you’ll be very sorry about that, but it’s her decision .

l am assuming she is not paying for it of course…..

mnicole97 :  

Post # 5
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2019

Another alternative would be to spare yourself months of planning and just elope.

Post # 6
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

If you want it in January, have it in January. In most of these cases, the person (your mom in this case) is bluffing and will actually attend when the date arrives. And if she doesn’t… that’s one less negative person to ruin your happy day.

If you give in to her now, she will keep making demands because you have shown you would cave to them. Don’t give her that power.

Post # 7
Member
930 posts
Busy bee

mnicole97 :  ooh noo. I had a small talk with mom and sis not too long ago on how we weere thinking of planning a Destination Wedding once we get engaged, and sis was like, “well, dont have it in this time of year, or in this particular year bc i cant make it”….folowed by, “and nobodys going to go to your wedding, sooo..”

 

I was annoyed the conversation was taking a turn in that direction an i shut that shit down immediately, “Well if you cant make it, you cant make it, and I undrestand. We’ll let you know what we end up planning.”

DONT let anyone control you, ever. dont put yourself in a position where youll regret your wedding day.

Post # 8
Member
1429 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

ladama :  This 1000%

 

OP, your mother is trying her best to guilt (read manipulate) you into doing what SHE wants….She’s making this about her.  I have a hard time believing this is new behavior.  You should be like Ladama….”I’m sorry you can’t make it, we’ll miss you” and then move on.   At this point you should basically keep mom out of the loop of wedding planning because she’ll take every opportunity to be dramatic and manipulative so save yourself the extra stress.

I’m sorry this is happening to you bee. Every girl would like their mother to share this major life experience in a normal way but it doesn’t appear to be in the cards for you.  So involve those that are truly supportive in your wedding planning.  You’d be amazed at how they’ll rally around you.

Post # 9
Member
5869 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Your mother sounds like an ass. Which sucks. It would be great if she could just be happy for you and fully supportive. But she can’t (or won’t) and so you need to figure out a way to manage the situation so that you aren’t spending the rest of your planning time bummed out by your mother’s antics.

If you want to move your wedding date or change your plans or get married wearing vampy red or any other damn thing, people will have opinions. Anyone without the kindness or consideration to express those to you in a way that is helpful or constructive should be ignored and, likely needs to be shut down directly. (“Mom, if you don’t have anything helpful to contribute, please keep it to yourself.” or just “Mom. Stop.”)

Something you might want to keep in mind with an early January wedding date- if any of your guests will have to travel, a wedding so soon after the winter holidays may be harder to attend.

Post # 10
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

Call her bluff. Meaning have it in January. Chances are she will still come. If she doesn’t, that says a lot and she’ll look like a petty, bad mom to everyone there. Which is exactly what she’d be. And if she bitches and moans just shut it down (her negative talk) and don’t listen or get sucked into that drama. 

Post # 11
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Don’t keep engaging with your mom on her terms. My mom was like this before my wedding and I didn’t stand up to her. I wasn’t having a bachelorette party so I decided to treat her and I to a pampering day with haircuts and makeup and hand and head massages. I wanted it be be the weekend before the wedding but she kept wearing me down until I changed it to just before Christmas so she could have nice hair for Christmas photos. 

She also dictated my flowers in my bouquet and I hated them. 

Please put your foot down and if she doesn’t change her ways then withdraw. Unfortunately that seems to be the only way of managing things with mine but hopefully you’ll be able to nip this in the bud. 

Post # 12
Member
6129 posts
Bee Keeper

Two adults planning and paying for their own wedding get to choose what works best for them.

If you are accepting money from either family it gets a bit muddy. You haven’t answered that question.

At a certain point in your life you need to show your mother that she can’t stamp her feet and get her way–this is that time. If you had planned to accept money from her decline it and plan what works best for you and your Fiance. If she doesn’t attend it’s her loss and you’ll have learned a lot more about her. 

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