Controlling mother, how to deal?

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

My dad didn’t approve at first. It took such a long time for him to see that this was a big deal to me. We got to the point that i wasn’t even speaking about him around my dad and one day at of the blue he had a talk with me and said I see that he really means alot to you and if that’s who you want to be with than I’m going to accept it and be happy for you. It’s very frustrating I totally get what your going through. You wish you could bring him around with out all the remarks.  Maybe have a talk with your mom and tell her that he’s the person you really love and are planning to be with. She might as well get use to having him around or she’ll just push you further away from her.

Post # 3
787 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

The thing I’ve learned from difficult family members is that nothing ever makes them “get with the program”. My husband and I have been periodically estranged from one such family member, and this person never changes. Everytime we reconcile, my husband and I vow to handle this person differently (ie. stick up for ourselves, not get pushed around or guilted, not allow anyone to be harsh or cruel) but it becomes evident pretty quickly that that person hasn’t changed or learned anything, and the abusive behaviour continues.

We both intend to get some therapy before our next reconciliation. We know now that the relative is never going to change, but we can protect ourselves from being hurt by this person again.

Post # 4
1522 posts
Bumble bee

How awful! And her reasons are just ridiculous! Hopefully this is just a case of her struggling to ‘let you go’ and that ‘no man is good enough’ and that she will come around later when it finally sinks in. I agree with PP, you need to tell your mom that this is the man that you are marrying and going to be with for the rest of your life. This is your new family and that she has to accept that and welcome him in or she is the one causing the rift between the two of you, not you and your SO (which is probably what she is hoping for). It is all in her hands unfortunately and either she accepts the two of you, or she is pushing herself away. 

Post # 5
14659 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Maybe it’s just not “real” to her since you’re “just” dating and not engaged or married yet.  My mom was never very intersted in my relationships, not even an ex that I dated for almost 7 years.  He was not invited to family get togethers or anything.  None of my ex’s were when we were dating, and I didn’t think anything of it.  After I got engaged to my husband, my mom was upset to find out how young he was and kept telling me she was ‘worried he is too immature and young’.  I just ignored it and moved forward.  Now that we’re married, he’s part of all the family events and everything.  It’s like once we were engaged and married, then that’s when he became a real part of the family.  You can’t make anyone do anything.  Just keep doing what you’re doing for your own happiness.  Either she’ll come around or she won’t, but that’s up to her.

Post # 6
5851 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

AcousticHeart:  Your first sentence made me laugh out loud at work! There are a lot of us out ther 😉 No specific advice but best of luck to you!!

Post # 8
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Morton Arboretum

I did not invite my mother to the wedding. I made it clear that we only wanted people who were happy for us ans that supported us to be there.  So maybe don’t invite her if she does not approve.

Post # 9
2290 posts
Buzzing bee

You can’t make her get with the program or be happy for you.

When it comes down to it, she doesn’t need to do or be either of those things. It would be great if she liked him, but the reality is that you’re going to do what you want with this relationship anyway. Her approval or disapproval means very little, based on what you say you intend to do. 

I think the best way to deal with your mother when it comes to this issue is accept that she doesn’t like him and accept that she won’t be including him in things. Is it sad that this is the way things are going? Sure, but that’s just how it is right now. Things may change, they may not; either way, all you need to do is live your life and do what is in your best interest. 

When it comes to dealing with her on a day-to-day basis, don’t let your relationship with your SO be up for discussion, because there’s nothing to discuss. Don’t argue with her about it, because there’s nothing to argue about. Let her be as stubborn and resistant about this as she wants to be — it’s not going to change anything. Stand by your relationship, have fun with his family, build your own family with him, and let the chips fall where they may when it comes to your mom.

Oh, and don’t try to involve her in the wedding if she acts the way she does now or is unsupportive of the relationship. Doing that will likely cause nothing but trouble, trouble that could last well after the wedding is over. It could also put stress in your relationship with your SO. Be careful with any involvement she has in the wedding and other important parts of life that involve your SO, like children.  

Post # 11
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My mother is probably one of the most manipulative people I know, totally understand where you’re coming from. She loves my FH and we have a very strong understanding on how our relationship goes now that I’m 25 and on my own. (Been on my own since 17 really). It took years of that though. What you have to understand is you are an adult, you cannot let her manipulation and controlling behaviors affect you or your life decisions, and if she isn’t happy for you then that is HER loss. She will reap what she sows if she doesn’t treat you like you should be treated as her adult daughter. My mom had to lose me for about 3 years, no communication what so ever, to truly understand she needed to get her act together. That was my choice and it was the best choice in my situation. Is it for you? Maybe not… but just remember to never ever let her negatively impact your happiness because of her negativity.

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