(Closed) Controlling Mother

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think you need to just pay for the wedding yourself, especially if your mom is willing to pay but not willing to let you guys have what you want. She should get some say, but she sounds very unreasonable to talk to or work with on anything. I would pay for it myself and not involve her.

Post # 4
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You said your Fiance has given you the world so return the favor pay for the wedding yourselves and have it the way you and your Fiance want it.  What happens if you give your mom full responsibility to plan the wedding and she purposely leaves your Fiance out of stuff or does things to embarass him. 

I really think you need to be a little more vocal with your parents and let them know they have lived their lives and you want to live your own. 

Good luck and I hope you are able to have the happiness you deserve with your Fiance whether or not he is parent approved. 

Post # 5
6014 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I would do what the PP suggested and politely turn down the money offer and you and your Fiance pay for it.  He’d probably enjoy that more anyway.  It may be smaller, but it will be all your own.  Plus it will send a definite message to your parents about how things will be running from here on out, they are no longer in control of everything, and that’s the way it should be.  Good Luck!!

Post # 6
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Out of respect and love for your fiance, you need to decline your parents’ help.  By doing this you would a) perhaps plan a “joyous occasion” that you fiance can be part of an enjoy! and b) show your parents that you won’t tolerate their behavior.   Having your mom plan it is just a total recipe for disaster and is going to set up a precedent for toxic behavior on their part during your marriage.  From what I’ve read on the bee, problems with each other’s family can seriously destroy your relationship and just generally make you miserable!

Post # 7
585 posts
Busy bee

Your mother is toxic. I know, because we have the same mother. 🙂

It’s going to be stressful and a disaster if you let her have say so in the wedding. It already is, or else you wouldn’t have written this. I’m sorry you’re going through this. The important thing is, you’re making the right choice about whom you’re marrying. I’d suggest finding a way to pay for your own wedding, even if that means downsizing, eloping, or saving up and marrying later. You’ll be much happier. Your toxic mother derives power and pleasure from controlling, judging and mistreating people–this kind of person needs to stay away from your wedding!!!

Post # 8
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I would just tell them “thanks but no thanks” and plan/pay for your own wedding.

Post # 9
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I agree with the PP if you can afford to pay for a small wedding on your own I would definitely do that. Your Fiance sounds awesome and you both deserve a wedding that will be a happy occasion not something that you just have to show up to.  I guess either way after it all said and done you will have married the man you love and thats the most important thing!

Post # 10
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2005

I wouldn’t feel right about a celebration of love and commitment that was planned and paid for by someone who openly opposed the match and refused to even try to be happy for us.

Do it on your own, at whatever scale you can afford, with your Fiance by your side.  Make the event about both of you, not about your crazy mom.

Post # 11
1066 posts
Bumble bee

Extend the wedding date? Are your parents trying to drive a wedge between the two of you, or are the best venues just booked that far ahead.? If your mother is controlling as you say, then she is going to want to control every aspect of this wedding. You need to be assertive here and protect your fiancee.I am sure you love your mother and you would prefer peace but you need to make sure that you both have the wedding you want,wether you or your parents pay.

Post # 12
11735 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

elope elope elope! It will save you guys a ton of stress (and money!)

Post # 13
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
@moriah:  +1!


This exactly. That’s no way to start off a marriage.  If you let your mum plan it all, against your Fiance and your own wishes, you’ll always regret it.  Plus, turning away your parents help might be the reality check they need to see what they’re doing. 

Post # 14
35 posts
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think it’s important to remember that money can be a powerful tool for manipulation. There’s nothing wrong with accepting your parents generosity and there’s nothing wrong with paying for it yourself. It just gets sticky when you have an expectation for them to behave differently than they really are. I agree with the ideal that paying for a small wedding yourself can make your day the most personal and special for the two of you, but you would have to be emotionally prepared for how your parents may perceive that decision. These things can get really complex and you may not be ready to handle an all out war, or whatever kind of punishing reaction you may get from that decision, particularly at a time that is supposed to be about you. I would focus on getting clear within yourself. From there you can choose to what degree you want to speak up, and what lines you want to draw.  


And I would make sure that you and your Fiance are there together when decisions are made, so you don’t let your mother divide you.

Post # 15
6665 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@meaghan608:  Yes, you need to do exactly what you said. Call it off and plan and pay for a wedding yourself. I understand your situation perfectly and unfortunately with money comes control (there are sadly strings attached with “gifts” from parents). Good luck.

Post # 16
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just elope..this will silence your entire family they will see how serious you are about your decision “THAT IS THE POINT IT IS BOTH OF YOUR DECISION” You made your choice and when you both come back she will give you guys the wedding you both wanted with less stress because you are already married.

If she cares so much about appearances she will be upset that you eloped but will not tell anyone until you have an actual ceremony in a church.

Just a thought.


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