(Closed) Controversial Wedding Invitation Received … don’t know what to do?!

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 59
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@peacheslea: Yes very unreasonable…Its their wedding, and tacky or not they can do whatever they want. I dont see the problem with a Thursday wedding…If you can’t go, then dont! Im sure they expect that a lot of people will not come because it is in the middle of the day, so they wont be offended.


As far as the gift, if you dont feel comfortable “pitching in” on their honeymoon, then get them something else!


You should just go with your husband and forget all about this. It is THEIR wedding so they can plan as they please.

Post # 60
1565 posts
Bumble bee

Wow. There is really no need to gang up on OP, guys. Did everyone miss the fact that these cousins have showed ZERO interest in getting together with the couple over 3 years, despite the fact that OP and her husband have repeatedly tried to arrange a get-together?

A couple can have a wedding whenever/wherever they want. But anyone having a wedding at an inconvenient time should expect more “No” RSVPs – it’s just inevitable that attending a Thursday wedding is much more difficult than a weekend wedding. Of course you’d hope that your close friends and family would attend. But a cousin who you’ve ignored for 3 years? 

Also, making people get tuxedos for a 2PM wedding in August sounds inconsiderate to me. 


View original reply
@peacheslea: I would ask your husband why he wants to make this big effort for someone who couldn’t be bothered to spend time with him and meet his new wife. I agree that it doesn’t make sense to go to this wedding. Regarding the invitations – I get where you’re coming from, but that’s definitely not a reason for not going.

Post # 61
4884 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Now I’m giving this more thought, I’m changing my tune.  I wonder if the invite was the obligatory family invitation, especially considering you haven’t seen these people for 3 years.  I wouldn’t take time off work, spend 6 hours in a car AND dress in black tie either.   Maybe they’re making it so difficult for people to attend because they’re trying to keep costs down, therefore making it so less people can go?  ha

Post # 61
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You know, I think that I would be able to smile through most of this stuff (although some of it would really irk me, too),  but I could NOT sacrifice Christmas with my family.  If there is no way to attend the wedding and get home, I can understand you bowing out.  However, if there is any POSSIBLE way to do both, I think you should.  Part of the reason that your husband is so adamant about going might be that he wants to acknowledge your marriage/show you off.  He also might be eager to “take his place” as a married man in his family.  I think it would be really sweet of you to help him out with these things, especially since the situation, etc. are not ideal for you.  He would probably really appreciate it 🙂

Post # 62
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@peacheslea: I can’t believe everyone is telling you you are overreacting! Complaining is not overreacting 1, and 2, I think the couple is way out of line. A weekday afternoon formal wedding is not appropriate. I’m sorry, it just isn’t.  No one should have to disrupt their life that much to attend a wedding of someone they never met. I will never understand the argument that they had to do it this way for “budget reasons.” If you can’t afford the wedding of your dreams then you don’t get to have it! It’s not a right! They can’t expect everyone to use all their vacation time because “it’s their day” that’s just selfish.  A nice, inexpensive non-black tie Saturday or Sunday or Friday evening would have been a much more elegant way to handle it. You work with what you have. I wanted mine at the Plaza, but that’s not happening because I can’t afford it. I think as long as you’re just complaining to your husband and the bee, and not the family at large or the couple, then you’re fine. And I wouldn’t go either. 

Post # 62
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Okay, I have to admit that the invitation comments really got to me, and I didn’t actually post my thoughts on what you should do. I don’t think that the invitations or dress code or registry information should dictate what you do here. I think only two things should:

1. How important is it really to your husband? (Is he going because he feels it’s polite, or did this cousing mean a lot to home as a kid? Or did the cousin come to your wedding, and your husband feels the need to reciprocate? Only one of those three options is worth the discussion)

2. Your vacation time: I admit that I jumped to respond to the invitation comment before I read your response. If you got a trip home as a wedding gift, then it seems to me like you’re already committed to taking those vacation days. If you had an extra vacation day, then I would say suck it up and go to the wedding. But it sounds like you don’t (Christmas trip home is a non-negotiable if the trip is a wedding gift). So your husband gets to decide whether he takes an unpaid extra day of vacation to go on his own, or if neither of you go.

If you can’t get the time off of work, then I don’t see where your husband’s plan is coming from? Is he seriously proposing you skip Christmas/wedding gift trip for this day? I’m sure that if you talked to him in those terms (not the irritation over the dress code/invitations/Thursday wedding – those just make me angry. and I’m not normally an angry person.), you might come across as more rational and he might listen!

Post # 63
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Send a response that you will be unable to make it and send a card/gift.  Christmas with family who actually make an affort to spend time with you deserve your time more than the someone you have never met!

Post # 64
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

yes, you should go, if your hubby wants you to.

Post # 65
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Sounds like the couple is hurting for $. Not going is one or two less meals for them to provide. Is your attendence and your husband’s attendence really required? If it’s incredibly inconvenient for both of you, just send a card and a cheque.

People will make sacrifice (time off work, travel) to attend our wedding (on a Saturday night), as many of our friends and family need to travel 2-7 hours by car to attend), that’s just part of weddings and people living in different cities.

Suck it up and go, complain to your girlfriends about it, not your hubby. Be supportive and not as judgemental. I’m sure people will not “approve” of certain decisions/choices/selections of our wedding. Goes back to the old saying, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

Guest-zillas complain about the material fro-fro items at the wedding and judging all the etiquette faux pas’. It should be about being with family and friends to celebrate the marriage.

Post # 66
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Unfortunately we are not permitted to take days off without pay at my work or his work unless in the case of an illness or family emergency. Taking a holiday day to attend this wedding would mean having to work over Christmas. My husband’s parents have graciously offered to pay for flights home for us forChristmas (as a wedding present) and I have not been home for Christmas in almost 4 years. I’m not willing to sacrifice being with my family at Christmas to attend this wedding

There is your answer. It’s not complicated at all, and there is no need for you to get mad at the couple. It’s your HUSBAND who should be understanding about this. Why would he be okay with you working over Xmas?

Post # 67
7294 posts
Busy Beekeeper

View original reply
@peacheslea: i do think you are overreacting about the invites and what this couple should or not should be doing for this wedding.  To me it actually sounds like they are inviting you out of courtesy and since they have never made an effort to see you before, they probably won’t care or notice if you come or not. maybe they are having a thursday wedding because its cheaper, easier and will shorten their guest list, who knows. so like people have said here, those that truly want to come, will go, the rest will be like “i have to work, sorry”. i am sure this couple is aware of that and okay with it and even prefer it!

if i were you and my husband wanted to go, i would probably suck it up and go because i would probably enjoy it more than work and its afternoon i get to spend with my husbnad and i like having excuses to put on pretty dresses. but thats just me.

oh and i dont necessarily agree that every aspect of the wedding has to be reflected everywhere. in fact i think “attending a wedding in a tux and formal gown, only to be served greasy french-fries and chicken fingers”  sounds kind of fun!

Post # 68
3324 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@Moose1209: But the couple isn’t insisting that they go.  They invited them. There is no indication that they will be upset with a NO response.   If the OP doesn’t want to go, she doesn’t have to. 

But that still doesn’t make the couple rude to have a weekday wedding.

Post # 70
68 posts
Worker bee

Ignore your issues with the invite.  Your opinions about wedding days and invites only matter in regards to your own wedding and no one else’s.  (Although, I do agree that putting the actual honeymoon brochure, rather than just a registry card, with the invite is tacky.)  I think the attire requests are probably in place to make sure people understand that they want it to be a formal event.  Perhaps they have friends who wouldn’t dress appropriately if not asked to do so. 

The bottom line is that this is your husband’s cousin.  You are all family and I think it would be rude for you not to attend because of the invite.  Unless you cannot get the day off from work, go to the wedding.

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