(Closed) controversy, ok not really.. advice politely requested

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You both should go see a counselor. And you forgetting about it will only delay worse things.

Post # 4
Member
3254 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Who is this woman? Do you know?

You say he “connected” with another woman… does this mean he strictly sent her a message about whatever he’s going through, or did he meet up with her?

I completely understand why you would be bothered by this. If he can’t open up to you, your future marriage is already off to a rocky start. I would tell him that you absolutely need to have the communications line open; if he can open up to this mystery woman, why can’t he open up to you?

Post # 7
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

HUGS, sorry you are going through this , i would suggest counseling 

Post # 8
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@notnancy: this is a toughie…you need to decide wether or not that letter is really what you’re after. I have a feeling that letter represents something much bigger to you. He may never do it, because you are demanding. How will you feel if he never does it?

Post # 9
Member
3254 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

There are so many issues I would have regarding this situation:

  1. The dishonesty and lying
  2. The lack of opening up to you but willingness to do it with others
  3. The blatant flirting with this woman
  4. The desire to shove it under the rug and keep moving forward

I highly suggest you guys seek some couples’ counseling. I see you aren’t getting married until 2016, so you have plenty of time to work this out before moving forward with wedding planning. 
Just remember that you deserve someone who is 100% wholly committed to you and your relationship; you don’t want to start out a marriage with something like this looming between you or you’ll go crazy. 

Post # 11
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Counseling is definitely needed. Not talking in a relationship just isn’t acceptable as serious relationships & marriages survive based on their communication base.

I find it incredible inappropriate for him to write this other girl anything as he’s supposed to be relationally singled out for you. Big no-no that he’s “connecting” with someone else and then brushing you off. Emotional affairs are JUST as detremental as physical affairs.. if not more in some cases.

I would look into getting some resources on communication and would even go so far as recommending some pre-marital counseling (something that I think every serious relationship should do whether engaged yet or not) <– this will definitley let you see where you each stand in wants, deisires, expectations of the other, and expectations of yourselves. You can look into this book that Darling Husband and I used… if nothing else use the first 2 worksheets to get on the same page with each other

Preparing For Marriage

Definitely do not just let it go and you two need to really discuss through these issues… I would write your issues down so that your conversation can stay on track and maybe even have him do the same in a “what do you want out of us” kind of way.

Sorry you’re dealing with this.. I know it’s not an easy spot ((hugs))

 

EDIT: Lying is a deal breaker on so many levels… he needs to want more for ya’ll or it may be time for you to leave <– I know that sounds harsh but if you cannot trust each other as partners through lifes challenges then you can’t be the team you need to be to make it through the long haul. Still a communication issue =/

Post # 13
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think the problem here is that you’re asking him to do something, but you two aren;t openly discussing WHY you need him to do it, or even really discussing in any detail how what he did made you feel.

You’ll never move on from this as a couple if you can;t discuss the “whys” behind what happened.

WHY did he shut down?

WHAT was missing in the relationship that made him stray emotionally?

WHY did he choose that course of action as opposed to coming to you to work on things?

WHAT could he do differently in the future?

Etc Etc Etc.

Post # 14
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

To be completely honest, if this were me, the relationship would be over. Here is why:

He purposefully hid this info from you. Didn’t feel he was doing anything wrong when he was exchanging numbers with another woman and then fb messaging her that she was “soooooooo beautiful” and that if ” the timing was different” he’d love to take her out. To me, he emotionally cheated and doesn’t seem to care much that it has hurt you other than to just say he’s sorry.

That is a blatant disregard for your feelings and anyone that is supposed to be future husband material doesn’t treat their SO that way.

Maybe it’s harsh for me to say the word “cheat” however I say this all from experience…my now Ex-Husband had a “connection” with a woman and ” nothing happened” and she is now my daughters step mother…..so to me I call Bu!!$hit pretty fast when those types of situations occur.

More so because I feel that you deserve better than what you are being given. You do need to talk to him and try to have some open communication, but if he is able to “connect” with a total stranger but not his long time SO, that would be a HUGE red flag for me.

I wish you lots of luck and if you ever need to talk please feel free to PM me.

Post # 15
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

It sounds like he is emotionally unavailable.  I understand this because I tried to keep alive a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man.  We dated 6 years, we were married for 2 and then divorced.  I still look back trying to figure out why I put up with it, at the time I said it was for love. 

Sometimes it is easier and less scary to stay with someone than to leave.

It sounds like you definately need some consuling because he can’t communication on his own. 

Do you have the think about your feelings for him?  I didn’t think so.  I hate to say it but something is wrong. 

I am saying a prayer for you right now.  Communication is key. 

Good Luck

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