(Closed) converting a "no marriage" guy into a marriage minded guy

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Believe what he says. You have no reason to believe he may change his mind. 

Now, whether or not you are OK with never getting married or not is something you need to think about. Is what you have now enough forever? Because that may be all he is willing to give.

You can’t bank your future happiness on changing someone.

Post # 4
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)

@ThreeMeers:  So well said! He’s told you from the get-go what his desires and needs are in terms of a relationship, and you should believe him. 

Right now, I think you need to decide whether or not marriage and more kids are deal-breakers for you. If you’re OK never getting married or having more kids, then I think it’s fine to continue exploring a relationship with this guy. But if you absolutely want to get married and have more kids, then yes, you are wasting your time with him because he’s told you that these aren’t an option for him. I think what you decide about marriage and kids will tell you what you should do in terms of this relationship.

Post # 5
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

The previous OPs gave you excellent advice. I just wanted to add to that: IF you married him, you would have two children: your biological son and a bonus son.  

Also, TALK to him.  It could be his previous feelings have changed, and that his feelings for you have made him reconsider his previous stance on remarriage.  If they haven’t, you need to decide if you can accept that his feeling may never change, and if persuing this relationship further is what’s best for you and for your son.  You aren’t going to find out his feelings on the subject unless you talk to him, and no matter how great the sex, a relationship isn’t going to last long without communication.

Post # 6
Member
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

You can’t convert him. You can’t change someone. Believe what he says and either take him as he is or move on.

Post # 7
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

The blissful infatuation stage you’re currently in will fade, but the resentment you will feel when you’ve invested years and he still won’t give you marriage and another child won’t. There’s a difference between the thrill of a new exciting romance and true lasting hapiness and satisfaction. It takes much more than chemistry for the latter.

I would bet that he’s hoping to change you too. 

Post # 10
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

You’re in the magical first phase of a relationship. This won’t last forever and soon you’ll be able to think more rationally.

I would not think about changing him… you cannot change someone. Yes of course it’s possible he will change his mind, but that would only happen if you invest the time. And of course investing the time means risking you will get your heart broken much later on.

If I were you I would continue to date him for a few more months, and see how everything is when you’re both a little more level-headed. Only you know if marriage and another child is something you still want. I am pretty sure that at least marriage is, and a good father figure for you son. I like what a previous posted said – that if you got married you would have 2 sons.

I think for now you need to be careful.. yes enjoy the new relationship, but also make sure you keep your son as your priority #1. This might be a bit weird for him.. the hot and heavy scenario with the new guy.

Post # 11
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

all divorced people say they will not do it again. i said it when i got divorced, so did my fi.  i would think most people that say they will never do it again, eventually do end up married again.

Post # 12
Member
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I completely agree with PPs that you should not expect him to change his feelings about marriage or another child….he may, and that would be a great thing….but he may not too.  At this point, you need to figure out what’s more important to you: your present moment happiness, or your goal of marriage and another child.  

Post # 13
Member
1868 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

If you 110% KNOW you will not be fully happy without marriage and having another child, then yes you are wasting your time. Great as it may be now, you don’t want to resent him in the later years when you aren’t married and feel like you wasted years that you could have spent trying to find someone who does want marriage, versus having stayed with him. Only you know if this will really bother you in the end.. if it will, you should end it. 

On a similar note, my friend who just turned 34 has been dating a guy for a year now who told her straight out he won’t marry her because they are different religions and he has to marry a girl of the same religion as him. He also told her, if this is true because she is one who, erm… lies, that he doesn’t see a future with her when she asked him not too long ago where he saw their relationship going. Yet she’s still wasting her time on him!! And she wants to get married. I just don’t get it. 

Post # 14
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You cannot “convert” him in to a “marriage-minded guy”.  Millions of women have endured heartbreak believing they could change a guy. In reality,  you can’t.   Go forward in this relationship only if youve decided you’re okay with that, not because you’ve convinced yourself he’ll probably/maybe change his mind.

 

@roxymalone:   I think thats true immediately after the divorce, but not once someone is ready to be dating again.  Most of my divorced friends said they wanted to remarry after a few years of healing. The ones who didn’t, haven’t.

Post # 15
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

First you have to make a decision.  If he doesn’t want marriage and kids with you, will you be happy with just him forever?  Are you willing to give those up to be with him?  Some people are, some are not.  It’s fine either way, you just need to know where you stand.  If you are not willing to make that sacrifice then you need to talk to him about this.  

Sit his ass down and lay it all out.  Tell him how crazy happy you are with him and say how much you care for him and how excited you are to potentially be embarking on a new journey through life with him.  Then say that while this is great, you also have to be true to yourself.  Say everything you’ve said here–say that you want to get married sooner rather than someday, say that you want another kid–if he had his son more you would probably not feel this way but since he doesn’t have his son as much, you really want another child around and you want to do this in the next few years.  While he’s said he’s not into that before, some of his comments (like the “if the situation was right”) have led you to believe that he’s not super committed to no marriage and no more kids ever.  You need to know the truth now before you get any further in here–are those things going to happen?  You’ve thought long and hard and while the prospect of life with him is exciting, the idea of no marriage and no kids is heartbreaking and you can’t do that to yourself. You’re not holding the relationship hostage, you’re just saying that if marriage and kids are not going to happen then you can’t be in this relationship any more.

Post # 16
Member
2448 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Oh boy, I can see this headed into trouble territory. You’re 6 weeks into the relationship, this is the honeymoon phase where interests in everything are so compatible because you’re trying to please the other person and hormones are running high. Eventually you’re going to have to come back down to earth and have serious discussions and realize if you two actually share the same values. If you’re marriage minded and he’s not, this is something that has the potential to cause a lot of heartache for you in the future. As a 44 year old divorcee with kids, marriage is very different to him than it is to a 33 year old woman that’s never been married. Trust what he says and find someone that is at least open to the idea of marriage. 

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