Post # 1
Just out of curioisty how often do you and your SO get into disagreements?
Out of the 8 months SO and I have been together we’ve had 3 “disagreements”. We never fight but just normal serious talks about things within the relationship. All of which were brought up by me and mainly just due to concerns I had that he contributed and they needed to be discussed. Im used to have open honest communication in any relationship ive ever had. He has been single for awhile so I can’t tell whether he has an unrealistic view of relationships or not. Yesterday we had our 3rd “talk/disagreement” due to something that was bothering me and I said i just wanted to talk about some things on my mind but nothing was wrong so dont get scared just want to get some things off my chest and that was all 🙂 Im a firm believer being open about your feelings is the best policy. Well this promoted him to get very defensive even after i tried to approach it very sweetly and nonthreatening. He flipped out and ofcourse I reacted to his reaction as well and it turned into more than it should have. By the end of the disagreement he said he needs “stabilty and trust” and its always a constant suprise? I’m like dude weve had 3 talks about stuff, we never fight or yell, honestly we’ve never even raised our voices to each other, our relationship is very healthy (in my eyes), but its normal in relationships to work through these things after the honeymoon stage (i believe they call the stage were in as the power struggle stage…i do alot of reading 🙂 They also say once the couple gets past this stage is where long term commitment comes.) And i believe it bc they say the power struggle stage is after the honeymoon stage were you really start to get to know each other and work through differences so you can form a bond and go to te next stage. I think our relationship is very normal. He apparently considers these “blow ups” and not stable.
Im also is his longest relationship in a really long time (10 yrs) vs me who has been in several long term (2-4 years) relationships. Is this a cop out? Is not having any talks, disagreements, serious discussions not realistic?
Post # 2
I haven’t fought with my Fiance for like first 1.5 years of our relationship because we had nothing to fight about. When the real life kicked in, arguments started. 6 years later we live together and plan a wedding and we do have arguments. It is never super serious because we don’t let it go that far. We had maybe two explosives arguments during whole relationship and that is it. Other than that we have disagreements and heated conversations. But it is more type of “I am so tired of you dropping your socks everywhere” so I don’t know if they qualify.
In my opinion having no arguments in relationships is not realistic. You need a fight once in a while to clear out the air or get on the same page. But honestly wait a bit longer. 8 months is still fresh in. Arguments will happen eventually.
Post # 3
I can’t image not having “serious” talks with my husband, but they don’t usually turn into arguments of any sort. Of course, we’d have some arguments over our 13+ years together, though! I don’t really recall a power struggle stage – the disagreements we did have were during the long-term commitment stage – things like financial planning, work-life balance, etc.
I will say that I like to debate issues and current events, and it took Darling Husband awhile to realize that disagreeing on an issue and “fighting” were not the same thing. We did have an argument about arguing, as ridiculous as it sounds.
Maybe sit down and talk about communication/arguing when you’re not in the midst of one?
Post # 4
Where’s the once a day option?
Post # 5
My Fiance gets defensive but only because it is never his intention to hurt me. So if we get into an argument/disagreement and I’m hurt, saying “you hurt me!” to him will cause him to get really defensive and fight back when I’m already upset, which sucks as you know. Over the years, I’ve learned to keep in mind that he would never hurt me intentionally and to figure out why I feel hurt before attacking him. Were my expectations about something too high? Did I assume he would feel a certain way about something? These are usually the causes. I’ll explain to him why I felt hurt by what he said/did based on my assumptions/expectations and then we’ll work it out together from there. Hopefully that will help you. It took YEARS to figure this out though, so of course there will be kinks to work out after 8 months.
Post # 5
We probably get into little disagreements about 1 a month and probably have a big fight (usually over nothing) once or twice a year. I would consider out relationship healthy . I also think the most important part about fighting is how you fight. We sometimes can get very heated but we always talk through a fight after we both have calmed down.
I really don’t think his reaction is a cop out, it could just be that because he hasn’t been in a relationship for a while that he has a more idealistic view of fighting and relationships then a practical and realistic one.
Post # 6
We never fight its just more like issues about the relationship. For instance the first one I asked him if he was embarrassed of me bc 4-5 months in I had never met any of his friends or family. It was a concern I had. It didnt escalate to yelling or fighting just a serious long discussion back an forth of how I felt and how it was making me feel. He’s also king of not freely giving information, he can be thinking something or planning something but never clues me in. Once i bring something up I get shown or told new news! I’m like i wouldnt wonder about these things if you told me from the onset! He’s a great guy but there has been hurdles along the way of him getting used to being in a relationship.
Post # 7
iheartu: He needs to put his big boy pants on. Two people can’t agree on everything, so disputes are discussed and compromised upon. That’s normal. If he thinks the relationship is unstable then he sounds insecure, or simply immature.
Post # 8
Good night, sounds like boyfriend is living in la la land. My SO used to be this way, until I told him to get over it. I reminded him that he has arguments with his siblings and friends all the time and to expect that a relationship will be perfect is both unrealistic and also total BS. The amount of sensitive and intimate issues involved in a relationship pretty much guarantees arguments.
Post # 9
howdoyoudo: thank you! amen! That’s how I feel. In my mind, an unstable relationship descrtuctive and on and off again. We are not like that at all!
nowyoureaghost: amen to you as well! I feel its not realistic. We love each other and trust each other and as a couple merges and starts to live more of their lives together it’s a major change and things are bound to come up. It’s like he can’t handle the heat.
He got so defensive yesterday when I was talking to him about stuff (calmy and sweetly) yesterday and he blew up and was like its a constant suprise! I was so shocked why he got so defensive so quick?!
Post # 10
We can have tiny disagrements weekly, bigger ones monthly, and even bigger once yearly.. so I voted for the montly as an average. I dont trust couples who “never fight” for years and years. Either they aren’t totally emptionally invested in the relationship (or are very unemotional people) or it’s all fertilized with BS…. lol
Post # 11
nowyouareaghost: Great answer. I agree 100%. Especially that “The amount of sensitive and intimate issues involved in a relationship pretty much guarantees arguments.” Exactly!
Post # 12
We have very small disagreements maybe once a month – like maybe I want to eat out and he doesn’t so I get a little cranky. We have larger disagreements, like when we’re both feeling upset and need to talk things through, maybe two or three times a year, if that. It’s not very often.
I’m sure that might change when we have kids though.
I remember our first fight. It was hard on me because I had never had a dsiagreement with anyone before (other than immediate family members I lived with) and it was really upsetting. I didn’t know how to deal with it and had to learn as we continued with our relationship. It’s possible that this is what he is going through as well. You need to figure out what works best with each other when it comes to things like this. For instance, Darling Husband knows I need a little time sometimes. So we will take an hour or so to cool off before we discuss things. Otherwise, I’d probably just start crying like a baby. I need time to process and get my emotions under control.
Post # 13
Maybe this depends what you are disagreeing on. If in the course of a year you have found out that you are in disagreement about three major things or brought up however sweetly three major issues, then maybe this is a problem. Fiance and I don’t agree about everything like whether to buy the turkey on Friday or Sunday, when to get the Christmas tree, etc. But big things like meeting family, where to spend holidays, how we generally want to spend money/live life, plans for kids, plans for house buying, how we like to spend weekends, big things match up.