(Closed) Coping with being the ‘engaged one’

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Hostess
18641 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

It’s really hard for people who aren’t in that stage of life to relate to being engaged and getting married.  I was one of the first ones to get married and no one really knew what to expect and they didn’t really know much about the planning.  Are you asking these girls to be bridesmaids?  If so, the only thing they really owe you is getting the dress and showing up the day of.  Anything over that is nice of them but not a requirement.

As for who to pick, choose bridesmaids that you are closest to and want to be there to support you on your wedding day.

Post # 4
Member
14185 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

So you haven’t actually asked them to be bridesmaids but you’re upset they aren’t taking the initiative to get involved in your wedding????

I’m not sure what to expect here, but I don’t “meddle” (i see it as meddling!) in a wedding of a good friend I’m not in.

Plus, you aren’t even getting married for 14 months. Since they are single, they probably dont’ see the point in fussing “yet” ya know?

Cut them some slack, they probably don’t know what they “should” do, but in my opinion, I don’t really see what they should be doing to warrant you being upset with them. Sure, them asking how plans are going is nice, but uh, I certainly don’t ask everybody how their plans are going all the time!

Post # 5
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

You admit that they have been recently dumped, or otherwise single.  It’s hard for them.  At least some of them are probably jealous.  I wouldn’t expect them to give you  whole lot of support right now.  Should we all feel happy for people’s good fortune and circumstances?  Sure.  But we have to understand when others are a little short sighted.  That’s human nature.  And it’s probably easier for them to stay away from wedding talk, with so many of them in the same boat.

How many girls are in this group, that you are trying to pick from?  10? 5?  I generally discourage the thought of selecting from a group.  Some are likely to be mad.   And it sounds a little uncomfortable to think of them as competing for spots in your Bridal Party.

Post # 6
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

i [respectfully] disagree with the others and can completely understand while you’re upset. whether they are a bridesmaid or not, if these are your good friends that you have had for a long time, then they should be there for you. when i moved to a new apartment, my friends carried boxes; when my grandmother died, my friends were in teh front pew, and when i get married, i hope they will be sitting on my living room floor covered in glue and paper and whatever other diy materials are necessary.

i guess it depends on the kind of relationship you have with your friends, but i dont htink theres anything wrong with wanting, and expecting, them to be involved with an event that is SO MONUMENTAL in your life.

having said that, i am somewaht at a loss for any advice to give you on how to encourage/ask them to become more involved. being the only one in a seiorus relationship among my friends, i completely get how you’ve described the situation. unfortunately its one of those things that until they’ve been there, they just can’t relate. the only thing i would suggest is being open and honest,  something like ‘i would really appreciate involvement in my wedding becuase you are my closest friends and i want to share this event with you as intimately as possible and i think it could bring about great bonding experiences’

 

good luck and try not to let their detachment take away from  this great time of your life.

 

Post # 7
Hostess
18641 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Another thing to think about, I would wait until you are maybe 8 months out from the wedding to chose the bridesmaids.  Maybe you will be closer to some of those girls at that time.

Post # 8
Member
5153 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I dealt with a similar situation because I am on of the first of my close friends to get married and like you many of my friends are single. I love my maid of honor but knew that she didn’t know much about planning so that (combined with the little bit of control freak…lotta bit? in me) made me decide to just have her handle the bachelorette party, her speech, etc and then helps when i need/want it. It has worked out well for us because she can help and be involved but not have to worry or take up too much of her busy busy life.

Post # 10
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

@TG, if they are all your friends, is there a reason why you can’t have 5 BMs?  Or is it that you would have 5 if they all showed that they cared?

Post # 12
Member
2496 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

Speaking as someone who was single/newly dating when everyone around was getting married… it can be really fun, but also really hard.  I’m not in that situation anymore really, but for a long time I was.  So, this is NOT meant as a criticism, but more just a perspective of the un-wedding minded. 🙂

It can be hard to know what to say since you don’t feel like you can contribute to the wedding conversations if you aren’t also planning one too.  I know I struggled with jealousy, and, honestly, while I cared a lot about the weddings of my friends, I did get reallllly tired of constant wedding talk after awhile.  After a point I just wanted to talk about life… not just wedding stuff, (even though that is really fun)!

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong at all because I understand where you’re coming from.  Just make sure that your friends know first and foremost that you still want to have a life outside of your wedding, but that you also want to include them in your excitement!  They will enjoy helping you a lot more and be more excited to be there for you on your special day!

Post # 13
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

No one will be as excited about your wedding as you.  That being said, yes it’s disappointing when they aren’t as interested in wedding talk as you, but seriously, if they’ve just gone through a break-up I don’t blame them.

Post # 14
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I think its because its so far, cut them some slack a little, they’re probably a little down. I’m sure as the time approaches things will get better.

Post # 15
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

You replied that some of these girls are sucking up buying you presents and offering to take you to bridal shows, but they are not involved/excited about your wedding? Did I read that wrong? I’m confused….

 

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