(Closed) Coping..

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

well… i lost my grandparents from my mother’s side (the only two i knew), my granma when i was 11 and my grandpa at 14.

Both deaths really hurt, but since i was just a teen i guess i got over it pretty quickly…

Maybe you could read some books that help you deal with the pain of loosing someone, and while you will never be prepared for your loved ones to part… you (and all of us) have to remember that it’s a fact of life and there’s nothing we can do about it.

But we can always cherish their memories in our heart.

Post # 4
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@ForeverBlessed:  I feel that way about my grandma, especially after my mother passed away years ago. For me, the thought of losing her overwhelms me and throughs me into a panic attack!! For coping with the loss of my mom, I read an awesome book, “Motherless Daughters”. It wouldn’t be for your situation, but I urge anyone else who has lost their mother to read it. 

All I can say is that the pain will ease over time. It will never go away and you will think of her often, but eventually you will be able to smile when you think of the time you had with her. Keep your chin up and soak in every moment you have left. 

Post # 5
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I am so sorry I am not good with death it scares me so so much. In january 2007 I lost my two best friends i saw it happend they turned a corner to fast and drive into the water we could not save them….that night my mom told me my grandpa had passed away….he was my rock he was amazing. I was actually headed to town to see him that day because he was supposed to get out of the hospital. he was sck and a smoker I knew it was bad but i thought i would say goodbye. It was the worst day of my life…my best friend came to the funeral with me ( I had to miss my bestfriends i was able to visit their graves later) I broke down when I walked into my grans house I saw him everywhere. I was away at college I was the only one no there… we wnt to the church the next day and my dad broke down my dad is my hero a fire fighter tough as nails and he broke down with me we cried together for an hour. The night i found out he passed away i wrote him a letter i told my grandpa everything i was so proud of him i thanked him for teaching me to shoot, for showing my how to be a respectful adult, for believing in me (It is still hard on me i am crying as i type this). Everyday I think about my grandpa I pray that he is watching me and my son his first great grandson he never got the chance to meet he would have loved him. Walking into my grandparents house is still painful memories flood back in. I dont think you ever get over it you just learn to cope and move on. Never forget her tell her now everything you want to say to her let her know how you feel and what she means to you i never got that chance and it hurts. Talk to people i talke to my family and my dad all the time we talk about memories and look at pictures together remember together its easier. Talking with my grandma was also a huge help for me she is amazing. Losing a loved one hurts i fear it everyday esp with my dad job (fire fighter) and my Fiances jod (cop). At the wedding I am having a chair next to my grandma with a picture of my granpa and some roses…maybe a pack of cigerrets (he would like that) I know its not the same as him being there but I will be able to see him on my day and only pray he sees me. I pray for you and your grandma and I am sorry about what you are going through.

Post # 6
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

I’m on the other side of this myself. My grandparents pretty much raised my sister and me, so when my grandmother passed away this summer, it was no cake walk. At all. To make matters worse, I had to handle her estate, and let me tell you, death brings out the worst in people who are driven by material objects. I think this has really prolonged my grief, because I’ve sort of had to shuffle it off to the side to deal with all the nuisances in my family.

I’m not going to lie, it isn’t easy. You’re going to go through a wide range of emotions, and my advice is: just let them come. Sure, you’ll feel empty and hollow, maybe even nauseas like I did, but it’s necessary. You must feel these things in order to let healing begin. If you don’t release that energy, it could turn into depression, rather than simple grief.

I can’t tell you what to expect– I wanted to see no one for several weeks following her death, and I didn’t even want to leave my bedroom. Even if I wasn’t just slinking around in my bed like a lump of lazy, I didn’t want to physically be outside of the bedroom, so I did all my work there, had my meals, cleaned out closet / reorganized dressers, etc. I just couldn’t stand to be in the rest of the house because I associated it with “other people,” and I very much wanted to be alone. Other people love keeping occupied outside of the home. Socialites constantly keeping busy with friends and acquaintances to keep their mind off of the event might be theraputic.

Whatever it is that helps you, embrace it. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself extra time to sleep if you need to, grief takes a lot out of you.

Before all of that, enjoy the time you have with her. The last time I saw my grandmother was on my honeymoon. My Darling Husband and I cut out our travelling in Canada to head to the state my father had her in, and I took my wedding dress as a surprise for her to see. I changed into it, and took pictures with her. We talked about our favorite moments together, and I thanked her for being like my mother, and everything she’s ever done for my sister and me. I asked her what her favorite little girl’s name was, because I wanted to honor her in some way (she knew that her name was too old fashioned, and hated it anyway) so we decided on Annie. I hated saying goodbye, and it killed me that I had to do it, but at the same time, that is one of my most favorite moments with her. She passed away less than a year since then.

I’m sorry you’re going through this too, and I hope you find a way to come to peace that works for you. If you need support, I’m just a PM away.

Post # 7
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ForeverBlessed: 

Sometimes the anticipation of what is to come is worse than the actual mourning.  At least that is what I felt for my situation.

I lost my dad just five months ago on June 1, 2012.  I was able to fly home to be with him when he passed.  My sisters and I were holding his hands as he died in his own bed at home.  I have never witnesses that ever in my life (My sisters who are both nurses, have seen it 100s of times).  I think I remember this moment more than other moments right now.

He was sick for a long time.  We all knew we were going to lose him and we even had a time frame near the end.  The anticipation of “how bad is this going to hurt?” and the fear of not flying home in time (I was the only child that moved away) was huge.  I think I cried more before his passing than after.

I almost felt like I should get some pre-grief counseling.  Then I realized what I was feeling at that time was normal, many people pre-grieve and it is OK and normal.  My mom is doing at lot of grieving now.  Don’t be afraid to see someone about it if you feel you need a little guidance or reassurance.

My youngest sister did a great job of really documenting my dad.  She took TONS of photos, recorded videos of him, even got a book “Conversations with my father” which was like an interview book and she filled it out whenever she visited home.  Often she asked me to fill out a page or two with him. I couldn’t, I would get choked up just thinking out it (I am right now!).  So if you have it in you, do some interviewing, videos, tape recording.  I like to watch the videos now days.  My mom – she cannot watch them yet.

Post # 8
Member
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

My mother and all of her siblings and their family (my first cousins) are deceased. It has been difficult planning a wedding without my mother, she was one of the best friends I will ever have. But, I will honor her and others on my wedding day, and she’s always in my heart, that’s what matters.

Post # 9
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ForeverBlessed:  So sorry!  Like you said, you have to focus on the here and now.  Spend as much time as you can with her, because you don’t want any regrets.

When the time does come, it is hard.  And it takes time.  You have to grieve.  But, eventually you will get to a point where you celebrate the life rather than grieve the loss.  It might take a year, but you will get there.  (Don’t focus on this too much just yet, she’s still here and there is still time to make many new memories!).

Finally, if you’re even remotely religous, pray.  Ask God for strength.  I’m not uber-religous but this always helps me.  I get down on my knees and pray.  It’s a very cleansing, peaceful experience for me. 

Best of luck to you! 

Post # 10
Member
248 posts
Helper bee

I was given a ‘list of things to help with grief’ by a psychologist after I lost my brother and I just wrote down some of my favorites.

1) Take one day at a time.

2) Create a great support network.

3) Talk when you want to talk. Cry when you want to cry. Every loss is different, so don’t allow someone to dictate ‘regulations’

4) Never forget who and what they were to you. Remember the great things and write them down.  Memories that may get foggy with time or funny statements that come to mind.

5) Accept peoples pity, but don’t get lost in it. Remember that the person you lost loves you and that they’d want your life to move on and be beautiful. 

The best personal advice I have is that it’s hard. No other word for it. But every day gets easier. Sorry you are facing this. 

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