Post # 1
Just a little background about me, I am not yet engaged but I know the ring has been made and it is only a matter of time. What should be a very happy time though for me has brought to the surface feelings of great sadness. My dad passed away late last year. He and I were very close and I would say we were almost like kindred spirits…He and I always had a special bond. Something has been missing ever since he passed and I have not felt the same.
Even though this is premature, I feel as he is no longer here I don’t want to have a traditional wedding, I am still quite down about the loss. I would love to elope and maybe have a reception/ dinner when we get back from the honey moon. I do not have a large extended family, in fact my invitees (if I did have a wedding) would consist mainly of friends so they would not be offended should we choose to elope. I am guilty and worried though about my fiance-to be. He has a large extended family that all live locally. We have discussed in great depth though the idea of eloping and he seems open to it (to save money) but still hesitant as he would like to have people there to witness the day, I do think he hopes I will change my mind. Which I understand. I think it is easy to forget that men also imagine their wedding days..Maybe I need counselling? Is the way I am feeling normal? Am I being unfair?
Have any other bees out there been in this situation? Has losing a loved one put “you off” the idea of a big day with the focus on yourself?
Post # 3
@lovelornbee: I think it’s normal to feel the loss of a loved one very deeply, especially when coupled with the emotional rollercoaster that goes along with getting engaged and planning a wedding.
The night my fiance proposed (probably about 3 or 4 hours before he asked me), I had a complete meltdown. I felt so stupid, saying, “I know we’re not even engaged yet, but …” I was crying over the fact that my grandparents won’t be at our wedding. I was always close to both my grandmother and grandfather (my mom’s parents), so it’s a really difficult thing for me to deal with. My grandmother passed away almost 3 years ago (it will be 3 years this January), and I still tear up when I think about it. She was almost like a second mother to me, and many of my great childhood memories involve her (and my grandfather). My grandfather is very ill now, and I know he won’t be able to fly out to Omaha to attend our wedding.
It’s very hard to deal with the fact that two very important people won’t be present to celebrate with us. I don’t think it necessarily has “put me off” having a big day, but sometimes the knowledge that all of my family and many of my friends will have to travel a considerable distance to attend makes me second guess it (mostly because I’m worried they won’t be able to make it and I feel guilty about the cost to them).
I wanted to respond, though, because I wanted you to know that you’re not alone. If you do think eloping is the best option for you and your fiance, I say go for it. If you think the two of you may regret not celebrating with the family and friends that can be there, though, I would definitely reconsider having a wedding.
You also mentioned counseling. I think it depends on how you’re dealing with this loss, to be honest. If you’re finding it increasingly difficult to deal with everyday situations, feel withdrawn, etc., then yes … You should definitely find a grief counselor! It’s normal to feel sad (even years later) over the loss of an important person. I just think if you’re having a really difficult time dealing with it, grief counseling is a great way to explore those feelings. You won’t just “get over it,” (nor should you be expected to!), and sometimes it can help to have someone you can speak with openly and honestly about your feelings.
I hope this helps. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you’re able to enjoy your wedding (no matter what you choose to do).
Post # 4
@lovelornbee: I know almost exactly what you are going through. I was super close with both of my parents – my mom passed away January 2012 and my father just passed away last month. I have gone through the exact same emotions and had the exact same thoughts regarding our wedding.
For me, personally, I decided that because of how excited my dad was about the wedding (and I’m sure my Mom would have been too, but she passed away before we started planning) that we had to go through with our plans to honor him. It will be hard, and I know that the day will not be the same — but our family needs a good celebration after this year.
I do have my bad days, and my okay days and am struggling with dealing with the loss, as I am sure you are. Counselling might be a good option to work through your thoughts and feelings to an inpartial person. I have been considering this, as it’s a daily struggle.
No matter what you decide to do regarding your wedding, a full traditional wedding or an elopement, just remember that he will be there with you in some way.
If you ever want to talk, please feel free to send me a message & I hope it helps to know that others are going through/have gone through the same things you are going through, feeling and thinking about.
Post # 5
Thank you both for taking the time to reply to my post. You have made me feel a lot better in knowing that I am not alone in feeling this way. Initially when I lost my dad everyone told me, it’s going to be hard but it gets easier. I am yet to see easier and I don’t think I ever will now. I know I will always feel the loss. Thank you both for making me feel more “normal”. I think I will look into getting some counselling and soul searching to see what the best option for my fiance and I is. At this stage I am not sure what to do as a wedding seems far too emotional for me to plan at this stage but who knows what the future holds. Thank you both again and I am very sorry for your losses.