Post # 1
hi all lurked for a while
Darling Husband and i started TTC six months ago we got pg on 4th cycle, four BFP on different tests, we got really excited then yesterday lots of heavy bleeding trip to A&E confirmed a MC -> GUTTED!
we had a bad expericance at the hospital the nurse was very dismissive saying it was very early on (7weeks3days) and we would be fine to try again. im aware it was early but we are still devastated. i just feel numb.
how do i dust myself off and try again, how long do you normally bleed after a MC (still really heavy and feel so poorly). how long did you wait until trying again?
Post # 3
I am so sorry, lots of hugs to you.
I got my BFP on 10/9 and miscarried on 10/17 at 5 weeks. There is no right answer to this. To us, it is still a loss no matter at what stage. Do your grieving and let your body heal. My bleeding only lasted 2 1/2 days, then it was done. Cry if you need to, there are no rules. I didn’t want to hear “it happened for a reason” the first few days, but once my head cleared, yeah it did happen for a reason. It doesn’t take away the pain though. Take your time.
Post # 4
@mrsgummybear: I am soo sorry for your loss! I had a miscarriage at about 5.5 weeks in August and the sadness still lingers from time to time. I’m upset that your nurse was so dismissive and realize that not everyone understands the pain you feel when your highest high becomes your lowest low. But so many bees here have also experienced a mc and can relate and are here for you!
Regarding your other questions, I bled for about a 3-5 days before it slowly turned to spotting and then eventually stopped. I had a normal cycle 4 weeks later and then got pregnant 2 weeks later. My doctor told me that I should wait at least one cycle to start trying again, so I did. But every doctor has different advice. I’m not positive this will be my rainbow baby (3 more weeks until I’m out of the scary first trimester), but there is hope!
Post # 5
@mrsgummybear: I’m so so sorry. 🙁 Having been through a similar MC back in April of this year I have to say the best advice I received was to give it time. Love and comfort to you during this time, especially as you’re feeling crummy. I know how terrible that feels. 🙁 Take time for yourself, take care of yourself and know there is no right or wrong way to go on about your life. Give yourself permission to take a break and simply take time away from the world when you need it. Praying for you as you are going through this!
Post # 6
thank you so much ladies just talking about it takes a bit of weight off my brain. we were silly in thinking that this wouldnt happen to us, we had announced it to a lot of family and friends and i know i now have to tell them all.
i’ve sat and cried and i think this will sting for a long time coming but im going to get myself healthier and we will try again. i think if its meant to be it will happen.
thank you for sharing your own personal experiances as i said the nurse we spoke to wasnt very helpful. x
Post # 7
I’m sorry hun. First of all big hugs. For me it helped knowing other people who had gone through this and to talk about it with them and their experiences. What’s really depressing is I have written this to three other lovely bees in the past few days. It’s so sad. For me I told myself it wasn’t meant to be and something was wrong or it would have worked out. It brought me comfort. Also, as I was reminded today by another bee you can get pregnant you know this now and it will happen. This is what I am telling myself. I started MCing on Oct. 4th at 6 weeks and bled for about a week, maybe 8 days total. I still have not gotten my period yet. Hoping to asap as we want to try right away.
Post # 8
what you have said really comforted me i never thought of it in the way that at least i know i can know get pregnant, i have been very focused on what the baby might have been like.
for how common Mc is it is not openly talked about and i have felt very alone in this. it’s very sad so many women have to go through this.
hoping for a quick recovery to be back on the baby making wagon, fingers crossed for you too x
Post # 9
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m also angry that medical professionals are still so insensitive. My mom had six or seven miscarriages after I was born. On #5, she started bleeding again and rushed to the hospital. The doctor said she had almost certainly lost the baby and then left the room. When he came back in a few minutes later, my mom was crying, and he looked at her like she had grown a second head. He then actually asked her what was wrong. Then it was my mom’s turn to look at him like he was crazy.
I had really hoped people had gotten better in the past 25 years. 🙁
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2007 - Radisson Hotel
First of all, a loss is a loss is a loss. It’s still a child to you. There should never be a person blowing it off, because it was a loss of hopes and dreams for you. I had a miscarriage at the end of September, and while it was still early, it still freaking hurt. I got my period a month later, ovulated after that, and then my first cycle to try again started. And unfortunately, it seems as if things are all messed up. I’m a few days past typical O date, with positive OPKs for a few days now. Everything is all messed up. And to make it more complicated, my husband has low-drive issues so we can’t even manage to have sex all these days I get a positive OPK. It’s as if I’m experiencing the loss all over again, and it makes the miscarriage that much worse. Like, if I had kept that baby I wouldn’t be feeling this right now.
I’m so sorry for your loss. SO sorry. Nothing can fix it, nothing can bring it back, and each day you have to remember that is like dying a little inside. Take some time for yourself, try again when you feel whole enough, and don’t ever let anyone blow it off- your loss was a big deal.
Post # 11
GreenEyedMoon your poor mum 🙁 i was shocked by how unsympathetic she was, i tried to ask questions about what i needed to do and she answered ” well you’ve had a period havent you? its essentially that!” i was devastated. i didnt get told any information about concieving again other then “you can try again soon”. docs can be so insensative x
Mrs. Kiwi oh hun i hope your body starts to get back to normal, and you can start trying again. i think losing a baby at ANY point in the pregnancy is devastating and the hurt will probably be something that will always hurt throughout life, we just have to keep hope that there will be a sticky baby in our futures xx
Post # 12
how has it been with your partners? me and Darling Husband seem so distant with each other, like we’re grieving in different rooms not speaking, dont get me wrong hes been supportive asking what i need and telling me he loves me but its so difficult knowing what to say to each other
Post # 13
I completely agree with what all of the ladies here have so gracefully said. It is up to the individual to know when they feel better and when they feel ready to try again. I knew very well it was a possibility I could miscarry so I was very realistic about it when it happened and was immediately ready to dust myself off and try again. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t STILL sting. I often think about how things are now and how they would have been, when we’d be planning to tell others, etc. For me, I began miscarrying on 10/18 and I bled for 9 days and it was way worse than any period I’d ever had in terms of the heaviness, though there was absolutely no pain. My doctor said I should wait for a cycle but once I stopped bleeding we’ve just gone back to the NTNT method. Like @LuluH: said, I got pregnant and now I at least know that I can get pregnant. As far as getting pregnant again, the hardest part is not having any control over when that will happen again!
I wish you all the best in the healing process, there are some great communities out there, including the bee, as I agree it isn’t openly talked about for as common as miscarriage is. xoxo.
Post # 14
@mrsgummybear as far as partners, this can be very tricky. It’s possible that your Darling Husband is grieving and feels the loss as deeply as you. it’s also possible he is not greiving AT ALL and is not in any distress and doesn’t want you to feel he is uncaring. Either of these two reactions is common and I would say there is no “normal” reaction for a guy.
How do you handle other harships in your relationship? Have you dealt with anything similar before (even just in terms of stress levels – like loss of job, big moves etc). Maybe look at how he handles stress in general and go from there…… You have to remember he may very well have been just as excited as you, but he didn’t have your spike in hormones….. so he’s having a completely different experience, physically.
Plus guys have that “fix-it” mentality. They want to find an answer, they want to find a solution. In 99% of miscarriages….. no answer. no solution. no fix. So he’s out of his element. he knows you’re going through WAAAAAY more than him…. so he may be feeling like “his” issues don’t measure up.
I had 3 miscarriages with my ex-husband (after my daughter was born 12 years ago) and my Fiance and I are going through our 1st ectopic…. each of them have been completely different experiences.
I would suggest that you become very concrete with your Darling Husband about what you need. I mean EXTREMELY LITERAL… down to “right now I need to cry for 30 mintues and I need you to sit in this room and hold my hand and not say anything”. Or “I am really hungry, but I just can’t cook – could you please order take out from xyz”. or even “I can’t make any decisions right now…. can you pick out what I should wear to bed”. I feel like the more concrete you can be with him the easier it is for him to help you.
I am sorry for your loss. I hope that things work our for you next time.
Post # 15
@mrsgummybear: I wouldn’t consider 7 weeks “very early”….mine was “very early” at 4 weeks 2 days. At 7 weeks your baby can have a heartbeat and the placenta is forming. What a B!TCH! For everything you were already going through, to have someone belittle your experience like that is bullshit. I’m assuming she had never had the misfortune of personal experience. It’s not about how far along you were, it’s that you were pregnant. You had all these hopes and plans and dreams and expectations, and suddenly you were left alone and empty and feeling like you’ll never have that joy again.
I don’t really think there’s a way to get over it necessarily, and everyone heals at their own pace. I cried for 24 hours straight, and then sat down with pen and paper and wrote down all the good things about the situation.
For me those were:
The fact that I wasn’t further along, that I didn’t have weeks or months of hope invested in my pregnancy.
The fact that I now knew we could at least get pregnant.
The fact that I found out so many people I know and love went through it as well….it made me feel less alone.
As far as the physical side goes, I started spotting a few hours before, then it was like floodgates opened when I got out of bed at 2am. I bled heavily for 3 days and passed clots, then medium flow for a day, then light yesterday. Today I haven’t spotted or anything. I likely didn’t have much tissue to pass though because I was so early on in that journey. I also had incredibly painful cramps and screaming headaches. Today I feel almost back to normal, so I think I’m healing just fine. Emotionally though….I feel OK most of the time, but I still can’t talk about it out loud without bawling and becoming completely incomprehensible. I’m OK until I try to verbalize it. I think that will come with time though. As for when we’ll try again….I’d heard your risk of MC goes up if you get pregnant next cycle. BUT, after checking it out more thoroughly I’ve read that if you were under 6 weeks along you can probably try again right away and it shouldn’t be an issue. Over 6 weeks though and it’s recommended to wait at least one cycle. Over 8 weeks or so and it’s recommended to wait 2-3 cycles. It all depends on you though….how you feel physically and how you feel emotionally.
If you ever want to chat, I’ll be here.
XOXOX I’m so sorry honey!
Post # 16
There are so many women here that have had mc’s – you are not alone.
I had one mc in Sep and a second mc just last Sunday on Remembrance Day.
With both, I have had a lot of bleeding and cramps for the first day, and it tapered off – the first one lasted four days. I’m still bleeding from my last one but it’s getting lighter.
About your Darling Husband feeling distant – don’t worry sweetie. I felt this too from my Darling Husband, but I talked to him about it, and he told me that he hadn’t really been able to be connected to it yet – not like us women do because its in our body. He was very happy and excited, but he said to me that he is more connected to me, and cares that I’m ok. Not really grieving the loss in the same way as me. I think this is understandable. But it’s very hard because we feel it so deeply even after only a few weeks.
As Lulu said, even in the last few weeks there are so many of us that have gone through this. So you have a lot of listening ears here that know what you are going through. I’m so sorry for your loss. No one should have to feel that pain.
In terms of trying again – What I can tell you from my experience is that your body will tell you when to move forward. Don’t push yourself. After my first mc, I was ready to be intimate (to my surprise) almost immediately after finishing bleeding. Well, that resulted in another pregnancy and another mc. Now I feel very different and am not ready at all. Funny thing about watching yourself pass blood and clots and wearing a huge pad – doesn’t really make you horny. But your body will tell you when you’re ready again. Promise.
Take care *hugs*