- 9 years ago
Hi fellow Bees..
I’ve just joined the site from the UK and been reading some posts about MILs… I wanted to ask your advice about how to cope with my Mother-In-Law during the planning for our wedding next Summer. My Fiance is an only child, who’s father left when he was a year old – so as you can imagine, he is basically his mum’s world. We had been dating 4.5 years before he proposed to me earlier this year, and during that time, I think my Future Mother-In-Law has ‘thawed’ towards me maybe 2%!!
I honestly believe that I do try to see the best in everyone, and boy, have I tried to get to know her, spend time with her, and generally build a relationship. But in all that time, I still feel like when she says hello to me, she kind of cringes away from hugging me, and will never see me as good enough for her precious son.
She is a bank manager, and extremely cold, stern and judgemental; she has a real problem with showing any kind of affection (even towards her own son) and is constantly hurtful to my Fiance and me. She is obviously used to getting her own way and bossing people around, and whilst for the most part, I can just ignore her as I don’t see her that often, I know that when we are married and have kids, it is only going to get worse.
I am really struggling at the moment with how to cope with her during our wedding preparations… it just feels like every decision and every idea we have, she opposes… more often that not, almost for the sake of it.
For example, my Fiance and I were certain that we didn’t want any children at our wedding – so she argues that we should have her two nieces as flowergirls (who I’ve never met) and then insists that all the children from her side of the family HAVE to come (Really?! They can’t find a babysitter a year in advance??)
And for the rehearsal dinner, I was envisaging having a small gathering with close family and the bridal party, so we could thank people properly, give gifts etc – what does she do but invite her entire extended family and her friends down the night before, so we now have a ‘party’ of more than 30 people?!
What annoys me more than anything is that my Fiance has told me about nasty things that she’s said behind my parent’s back, which kills me because they have gone absolutely out of their way to make her feel comfortable and included in the family… my father was recently diagnosed with lung cancer from smoking in his forties, and what does she do the night she stays over at my parents’, but smokes cigarettes in the guest bedroom?!!!
I don’t want to make things difficult for my Fiance, and sometimes it feels like such a cliché having a relationship like this with my MIL… but fundamentally, I guess I just believe that she is not a very nice person, and will pretty much never appreciate or acknowledge how much my Fiance and I try to love her and be kind to her. From my point of view, she has hurt me so many times now that I have just made peace with the fact that her and I will never have a good relationship, which is a shame, but it doesn’t really bother me. what DOES really upset me though is how she treats her son, and my parents and sister, who have done nothing but be kind to her. I really just feel that the next time she ‘suggests’ something we should do for the wedding (i.e. basically, she’ll get in a massive mood if we don’t do it her way) then I am going to shout at her and probably say something I regret.
Can anyone recommend a way to cope with this, or any advice for improving things in the future?
Thanks so much xx