Coping with not getting married in the Catholic Church?

posted 2 years ago in Christian
Post # 2
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Couldn’t you still get married in the church, just not that church?  I’m not Catholic but my FH is, and we’re getting married in a church, but not the one where his family are parishioners at.  I realize the bishop is the problem, but if you don’t need a dispensation for anything does he need to even be involved?  Or is that you don’t want to be attached to the diocese at all?  Apologies if I’m not understanding your issue correctly.

Post # 3
Member
1681 posts
Bumble bee

Can you find a different catholic church and a different bishop? I understand your feelings but don’t let these evil individuals come between you and your faith, which does not necessarily have to include these corrupt people. There has to be a work-around somewhere. 

Post # 4
Member
928 posts
Busy bee

I was married in the Church. We didn’t have to have the bishop approve. Just the preist who married us. Are you sure you need the bishop’s approval? I’ve never heard of that. I think the bishop only needs to approve, if the wedding is not taking place in the Church.

Post # 6
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

View original reply
fourthnoel :  Ah, ok.  I suppose my next question would be: has it been confirmed officially that the bishop did intentionally cover up for these crimes?  Or is he in an unfortunate wrong-place-wrong-time kind of situation?  I think your concerns are 100% valid, btw, and I would NOT want to be married with the permission of someone who had willingly participated in such crimes.  But I suppose I would be curious to know if it was willing participation or if he’s just getting smeared by association to the person who actually committed the atrocities. 

If he was a willing participant, honestly I would switch my venue and go with a different church.  I know that’s a bummer, but it seems like the only way to satisfy the moral qualification here.  If he’s basically just getting flak because he’s the bishop and it happened “under his watch” I’m not sure I would fault him without evidence and move on with the wedding.

That would be my course of action, but obviously do whatever feels best to you.

Post # 7
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

I was raised Catholic, and while I am not religious, I had always assumed I would get married in the church. I am no longer comfortable doing that, for a number of reasons, the abuse scandals being a big reason why.

Remember, the church has failed its members in this whole ordeal. I’m not saying that the faith has, or all individual priests have, but the church has. The church has not followed its own tenets, and why would you want to be part of that? You want to feel good about your union, and not have the looming shadow of an abuse scandal hanging over it. 

You could in theory go over to the next diocese to be married, however it’s somewhat likely the bishop there knew what was going on as well. 

Your beliefs follow you no matter where you go, no matter who officiates. I know I personally no longer want the approval of an institution that has failed its practitioners so grievously. If it’s any comfort, I really don’t think God cares whether you get married in a Catholic Church, by a catholic priest, especially due to your reasons. I think he cares a lot more about the people that knew about this tragedy and decided to cover it up. 

Post # 8
Member
450 posts
Helper bee

I grew up a C&E Catholic (never got sacraments though, as Boston came to light around the time I would have started Sunday school so my parents moved away from the Church).

My SO is fully Catholic though and if we get married it will be in the Church, because it is important to him. Thankfully we are in a state where widespread abuse hasn’t been a thing (that we know of) and the bishop has handled this last one pretty well. The archbishop of my home diocese, though, was involved in the cover-up (not just there at the time). So that is my background.

Putting myself in your shoes as a non/former(?) Catholic, I would say either switch your venue to one in a different diocese or seek a convalidation at a later time. It doesn’t seem like the Church’s approval is super important to you so that may be the way to go.

Or, of course, just get the blessing/approval. I know it doesn’t feel right, but if you don’t care just do it. We will probably have to get permission from the bishop because I’m not Catholic and while that’s kind of insulting, I have to approach it from the perspective of ‘I don’t care’ because if I want to marry my Catholic SO, that’s pretty much my only option.

Post # 10
Member
1164 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

Excuse my ignorance (not raised with any faith, and have not bothered to seek one out) but if this man has been involved with such atrocious acts, why would he still be ABLE to bless your marriage?!!?! Shouldn’t he have been ut on some sort of suspension/leave/mandatory stop of some sort!?!?!

Post # 12
Member
1164 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

View original reply
fourthnoel :  How horrible! Wow! That’s ludicrous! I don’t even know what to say.

Post # 13
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

I’m Catholic and I too have thoughts about certain individual catholic officials playing a part of abuse scandals.  HOWEVER, in your case from what I understand is the actual officiant performing your wedding ceromony will not be the bishop you are concerned about – am I correct? More that you don’t want to have to obtain his approval of the weddding – get that. 

BUT you have to look further into your faith and understand that the “officiant” is standing in for our Dear Lord and blessing you to be married in the Catholic religion.  

I think you have to ask yourself what is the most important – to be married under the Catholic relision and be recognized in that, OR just to be married to the one you love and it doesn’t married whether it is a religious ceremony. 

Post # 14
Member
35 posts
Newbee

I’m just throwing it out there that moving the ceremony won’t really do anything.  From what I understand sacraments need to be performed in a parishoners “home parish”.  If you decide to move your ceremony out of the non-denom church to a Catholic church outside of the diocese, they “could” say you need permission from your home parish/diocese to have the wedding there.

Post # 15
Member
7853 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I just want to say, thank you for standing up for those with no voice. What happened within the catholic church was/is horrific, and too many people stood by and brushed everything under the rug or were actively suppressing victims and supporting rapists. Thank you for having the courage NOT to do that. 

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