- 9 years ago
- Wedding: March 2012
I have debated posting this the past few days…. but it is starting to push me to the point I am gearing up to start a fight I DO NOT WANT TO START!!!!!!
A little background so I don’t sound like an insecure “I will do anything to keep my man” type (though I may just very well be that)…
I met my fiance when I was about 15 years old. I am 35 now. No.. we haven’t been together 20 years.
Through our teenage years he was head over heels for me. My friends pointed it out.. I guess I “knew it” but didn’t do anything about it. I adored him but didn’t realize how much until he was gone.
When I was in college, he suddenly disappeared. Turned out to be my (unfortunately) future SIL’s fault for purposely not giving him phone msgs that I called etc….
We completely lost touch and a few years back I started looking for him online. Couldn’t find him but ALWAYS wondered.
In 2004, I got engaged to a guy after a few awful relationships because.. honestly? he was a guy who I thought would never cheat on me. Well he did and in 2005 that ended. Even after he cheated I went out of my way to try to make it work. He came back to me but the damage was done. Obviously after that I Had a lot of “What Ifs” although deep down I was grateful it didn’t work.. you shouldn’t marry a man just because he will be faithful. There’s more to it.
in November 2009, I joined a dating site. about 2 days in, I got an email from Fiance…. he recognized me though I didn’t recognize him right away (ironic because he hasn’t aged and I”ve probably gained close to 90 lbs thanks to having PCOS). We went out to catch up and this time I pursued him. He’d gone through even worse than me (with HIS ex Fiance having a baby he raised for a year at which point she told him it wasn’t his)… so both of us had “issues” but we were meant to be so…. this memorial day he proposed…
Ok Bees.. bored? I will get to the point. I love this guy. He is amazing to me. He is the fantasy of how a man should treat a woman. He makes me SO happy. However.. he is a smoker. Big time.
My dad died when I was in college… due to smoking.. so it’s a sore subject to me regardless. I knew he was a smoker when we reconnected HOWEVER he kind of cheated. He didn’t smoke as much around me and used those computer cigs inside. I thought he was on his way to quitting. WRONG! He smokes like mad and they SMELL and his house smells like a bar.
I live with my mom. I’m 35 and because of my engagement gone wrong, truth be told, never lived elsewhere. So moving is VERY emotional for me anyway. He lives 45 min away. Even more emotional. However he owns his home and I work for myself so it makes sense……
A while back he asked me to move in. I said no… not until “there’s a ring on it”…. And I said once I move in, he HAS to smoke outside. He said that’s fine.
Since then, it’s come up and I said “remember you said you’d smoke outside when I move in”… he’s said “yes I know.”
So now we’re engaged. We’re painting rooms etc etc. We painted the finished attic which will be the guest bedroom/my office. While painting, he came up with a cig. I said can you pls not smoke up here? Starting now? Because when I move in I’ll have to wash down the walls and this will be one less room to do so. He said fine and put out the cig.
Later, I came down and he’d taken down some sheer curtains to replace with new ones we got. They were blue but had a black tinge now. I commented “yikes look what the smoke did”… and he BLEW UP!!! He started yelling at me that they were blue and that he didn’t think I saw anything but blue and he could foresee my nagging on his smoking and that he’s been thinking of it and how in Ohio he can’t even smoke in a bar and now I”m taking his right way to smoke in his own house. That he pays the mortgage yet can’t even smoke in his own house.
A big thing with us is that his house feel like mine as well.. so this was a slap in the face.
It went on for a while but I ended up in tears telling him fine.. smoke int he house just please not the attic where I’ll work. He was like “This is what’s called a guilt trip!”
It all calmed down.. but with me saying it’s ok for him to smoke in the house just not the attic until we have kids. THEN he will smoke outside. And he said that’s fine. BUT……….
Shoudln’t my health be as impotant as our baby’s (if we can even have one?)…. and I will be moving my stuff in to be ruined by smoke? And I hate the smell of smoke! And it killed my dad…….. he knows all of this. But I love him so much, in my head I”m thinking “this isn’t something to push him to end it over”……
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to live in a smoking household but I don’t want to live without him. I get that for him to quit it has to be “for him”.. we’ve dicussed that several times. I just hate that I feel like he misled me saying it was fine he’d not smoke int he house and suddenly now that he has the ring on my finger it’s cause for a fight.
I don’t know what to do or how to approach him or if I even should. Have any of you been in this position?
(sorry SO long and drawn out)