(Closed) cough cough cough… moving in with a smoker who is taking back his promise…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6890 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

To me that is a huge red flag. I was with a man like that.  He smoked, we moved into a upstairs part of a house that his uncle owned. Originally he we agreeded he would smoke out in the porch.  Then slowly he made his way back into the house smoking.  Needless to say I am no longer with him.

My Darling Husband he smokes but never around me and never in our house.  In fact I can hardly tell he smokes!

Moral of the story is if your man can’t respect your health and not smoke around you, you are better off with out the guy

Post # 5
Member
6890 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@CindyRelly: The thing is smokers are hard headed.  If he can’t respect that when/if you move in how you feel about smoking in the house. There can be other things that come up.  Believe me been there done that.  I was in my late 20’s when I was with that other guy. 

If he really loves you he should be willing to compromise and for your health let alone his health.  I am living proof you can be with someone who smokes and it won’t/dosen’t affect me because he doesn’t smoke around me.  And even more so now that we are expecting a little one. Would I like him to quit sure, I would but that his choice to make not mine. 

Post # 6
Member
4335 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

🙁 

so sorry to hear that… You’ve gotten good advice so far, so just remember…if he can’t keep his promise about not smoking, then what else can’t he keep his promises about? :-/

Post # 8
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

He should smoke outside!

There is no reason other than laziness that he needs to smoke inside. You have every right to not want that in the environment in which you live.

By the way- I am a former HEAVY smoker, who never smoked inside. Thankfully, I quit three years ago : )

Post # 9
Member
3197 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t consider this a relationship-ending worthy situation…. This is your health and his promise that we are talking about here. You aren’t taking away his right to anything. He took it away when he promised you he would smoke outside. If he wasn’t willing to follow through and buckle down, why promise it??? Also, if he doesn’t value your health and respect you enough to do it outside, how can he be expected to respect a baby’s health when they can’t even complain about it?!!

Post # 10
Member
3460 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Smoking is pretty disgusting honestly.  I can’t stand the smell and it lingers in everything!  For me, smoking is a deal breaker – smoking outside would be insufficient because it’s in the clothes, hair, breath, etc.  I would just never find that person attractive.  So…that’s all to say that colors my opinions:

It is absolutely reasonable for your health (and his!) to ask him to smoke outside only.  This is really a no brainer to me…  You should not wait till you have kids, are pregnant or are trying to get pregnant.  He shouldn’t go back on this big important agreement.  (I also think it’s reasonable to ask that he never smoke around you either.  I have a friend that has that understanding with her husband, and she doesn’t have a traumatic experience like you did.)

He has to want to change.  This applied not just to quitting smoking but to not smoking in the house.  He definitely sounds uncertain about this and worried you’ll nag him.  (And that’s fair, because you will if he slips up.  You should.) 

Not feeling like it’s your house is a problem that won’t go away if he keeps bringing it up.  If it’s just the once, I wouldn’t worry.  If it’s more than that…you need a heart to heart and to figure out how to change that thinking.  I live in my FI’s apartment, moved in when we had been dating about 2.5 years.  He always wants me to think of it as mine too, and has never said anything that would make me feel unwelcome.  I was incredibly sad one day we hadn’t gotten to putting up anything of mine on the walls to make it seem more like “ours” and he dropped what he was doing then to prioritize it.  Doing the kitchen renovations, we both made the choices about what to do.

That said, you’ve got to be careful about comments regarding smoke because he’s really sensitive to it.  If you make too many idle comments than he’ll tune out/get frustrated when you’re asking him to follow through on the big agreement (no smoking in house).  Spend your chips wisely!

Post # 11
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

As a long-termsmoker, why not a compromise? Like he can smoke in one room of the house, or even in the basement. We just moved into our new home but I sure as hell not standing out in the cold or heat to have a smoke. And I pay mortgage too. One’s home is a place to relax not be harrassed which smokers endure all the time. So our compromise is that I will smoke in the attached garage, on the back deck and the basement – FH is even making a “smoking room” for me – complete with comfy couch and chair (they are from my old living room set) and TV.

Post # 12
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

As a long-termsmoker, why not a compromise? Like he can smoke in one room of the house, or even in the basement. We just moved into our new home but I sure as hell not standing out in the cold or heat to have a smoke. And I pay mortgage too. One’s home is a place to relax not be harrassed which smokers endure all the time. So our compromise is that I will smoke in the attached garage, on the back deck and the basement – FH is even making a “smoking room” for me – complete with comfy couch and chair (they are from my old living room set) and TV.

Post # 13
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@CindyRelly: All I can tell you is smoking is quite a hard habit to break, especially once you’re extremely addicted and smoke every day. 

I STRONGLY disagree with “If he can’t keep his promise about smoking outside then other promises are questionable”…that’s not true at all! My mother is a big time smoker…She didn’t used to be when I was younger, but things change…

I love my mom with my entire heart, and I know she loves me and my father unconditionally…she will do anything for us…..she means well and she definitely tries….(I have to remind her quite often to go outside or please put the cig out)… yes she will get quite irritated when we have to remind her….

Have you tried talking to him about treatments for his habit? Does he want to quit at all? I don’t think he is deliberately trying to hurt you, but the habit is hard to break…..when smokers have to do something against their will believe me they become irritable!

This is definitely something you need to decide whether or not you can live with his smoking addictions. Is it selfish for smokers to do this? Hmmm, yea it is. You really need to talk this out with him if it’s a serious problem for you.

Post # 14
Member
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Big flaming gigantic red flag! Your health is less important than his bad habit/nicotine addiction? I’d have a serious issue, especially since he is the one going back on his promise, of course you’re going to be nagging him about it! I’ll admit though that this is hard for me to give advice on, I’ve never dated a smoker and never would.

Post # 15
Member
3460 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

KT808 suggests a separate room for him to smoke in.  For health reasons, if you adopt this approach, I strongly suggest that you pay attention to where it vents.  (So an attached garage, as s/he uses, I would imagine is better than just a random bedroom or den in the house itself.  You might also want to consider adding extra insulation.)  I’ve lived in many a non-smoking apartment building only to get cigarette smoke filtered up to my apartment.  🙁

Post # 16
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@CindyRelly: So why are you moving in then? He sounds like a gem. He can smoke up in his house without you then.

This happened to me early in life, I told said male suitor that I would not continue to go out with him if he smoked. He said he quit. Fast foreward 3 months I caught him smoking… his friends inform me he never stopped. 1 year after that I found out he had a child who he had not been supporting… I wish I would have seen the signs! Eveything is well and dandy until they have what they want!

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