(Closed) cough cough cough… moving in with a smoker who is taking back his promise…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

OP, I get why you’re asking yourself, “Is this worth ending it over?”  But I think this situation is different than if he were just a guy who smoked and you didn’t like it.  Maybe that’s not worth ending a relationship over.  My Fiance smokes, and I hate it.  But as long as he does it outside, I don’t nag him.  I mean, he does know I don’t like it, and he recognizes that it’s bad for him and has several times tried to quit, so I offer him support when he needs it but otherwise don’t get on his back to quit.  He’s considerate about it – never in the house, never in the car, and when we’re outside he’ll move downwind so the smoke doesn’t blow in my face (because it actually makes me dizzy and nauseous when I smell it).

But your Fiance seems hellbent on being able to do it in the house.  That’s great and fine if he’s a bachelor and he doesn’t have to worry about anyone else’s comfort and wellbeing, but that’s not the case.  He needs to respect your physical comfort and necessities.  I don’t have a problem with people who smoke – do what you want with your own body.  But in this day and age nobody can claim to be ignorant of the fact that their secondhand smoke affects others who are subjected to it.  He should be willing to take it outside if it bothers you.  And I think the whole, “I can’t do what I want in my own house where I pay the mortgage” is a crock.  That’s a guilt trip, and it’s inconsiderate and petulant.  It’s going to be your house, too, and you get a say in what goes on there.  He has a right to smoke, but you have a right to not want to breathe it.

Post # 18
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

 Gross.Smoking is wrong in the first place but if u smoke inside,its 100 times worse.I have visited my grandma and other relatives who had yellow walls and yellow ceilings because of all the smoke!We couldnt breath!Plus people who breath in second hand smoke has gotten lung cancer!There are tons of cases of it.Remember that.Its your health.If u let him smoke inside,u can possibly get lung cancer.

Is it worth it?

Your health.You smelling like smoke wherever u go,etc.

Is he worth it?

And since u are getting married,its not going to be (HIS) house anymore.It will be both of yours.He has to start realizing this.

 

Post # 19
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Smoking is deal breaker for me and I don’t even have a parent who died from it. I despise smoke for a variety of reasons (health, the smell and mentality of a smoker which I can’t wrap myhead around, why risk your life for a puff?). I refuse to be in a romantic relationshp witha smoker.

Now you claim this is problem and your trying to work around it. I frankly don’t see a compromise especially when he is already crossing the lines. Either stand your ground now or be run over and still unhappy later. You can’t have it both ways.

Post # 21
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It would be a deal breaker for me..

I can barely step foot into my MIL’s house, and I sure as hell won’t bring my kids there. She never smokes when we are there, but the way it permeates everything makes me ill.

When I do have to go there for something, I always leave smelling like I hot-boxed a pack myself. It’s disgusting.. and I can only imagine what that sitting in the air, and on everything would do to my lungs if I moved in there.

It’s unfair for him to say he’ll stop when you get pregnant, because then you’re trapped.. and it’s even harder to walk away and mean what you say.

AND it’s not just about your health.. it’s about your future! Smoking will kill him. Period. It’s just a matter of when. My Father-In-Law died last Feb of lung cancer and won’t get to see my kids grow up. He robbed them of that relationship out of his own selfishness, and it makes me angry. I also have a close friend that was just diagnosed with lung cancer at 35, thirty FIVE! Not only did he smoke all the time, but he also worked in a bar.. so I guess that just made it happen faster? But it looks like his chemo isn’t going very well so far.. and he may be a victim of tobacco before he ever sees 36, is married, or ever has a kid. It’s sad.

I wouldn’t want to marry someone knowing I could very well one day be a single parent and widow because they can’t get ahold of an addiction. And I would be really annoyed watching my husband piss away our money on them.

Post # 22
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@CindyRelly:

“”My dad used to tell me “smoking is the ugliest habit. Never do it. It gets a hold of you you can’t understand”….I followed that. I wish my Fiance had that same feeling……””

Thing is, it’s got a hold of your Fiance. My husband smokes. He’s 25, been smoking for 12 years or more. It’s unlikely that he’s ever going to quit. He has tried, he truly has, but it hasn’t happened for him yet. He never smokes around me, our children, or in our home, nor do I ever smell the smoke on him. Thing is, I knew going into it that he is a smoker. I’m not saying that I’m okay with it but I’m saying that he also knew that I don’t smoke and has never smoked around me when I say something about it. If he knows it bugs someone, he stays away from that person when smoking and will put a bit of cologne on after he smokes to kind of block the smell when he goes back inside (again, if you smell his clothes, you totally wouldn’t know he smokes). He realizes that there are non-smokers around him all the time and if that means he goes 7 or 8 hours without a cigarette because we’re around non-smokers, then he goes 7 or 8 hours without one.  

Not all smokers are like that. Smokers are not easy to reason with when you try to change that part of their life in any way. My grandma smoked for a longgggg time. She always had one in her hand at home. She died in 2007 after a stint with bladder cancer (caused by smoking). She only quit after she was diagnosed. I remember begging her for years on end when I was younger to quit. She always said she would but I never imagined it would be after she was diagnosed with the cancer that would eventually kill her.

Smokers don’t see these things. It’s an ADDICTION. Not something that can change over night, or when you start moving in. You have to decide what you want. Truthfully, I don’t think that what you are asking of him is a lot. If he gets mad at you, don’t be surprised. It’s not easy to deal with but you have to make your decision. Give someone an inch and they’ll take a mile. You’ve already set that into motion by telling him he can smoke in the house and just not in the attic until you have kids. What if you don’t have kids? Isn’t your health important too? Why should you live in the smoke if you don’t want to, just because you don’t have kids?

Post # 23
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You thought about it in the same exact way I did. He doesnt have to stop but he needs to respect YOUR health by smoking outside! And wonder if a child was involved? He would be placing the child at risk too.

Post # 24
Member
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

If he’s too stubborn to take your health AND his health (and promise) into consideration, he’s not likely to budge on other things. The way he blew up at you is totally unacceptable. Personally? I would not move in with a guy like this if you paid me.

Post # 25
Member
6996 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I smoke, My husband does not – while mostly i would go outside, i would occassionally smoke in my own home (hey its cold outside sometimes) i wouldn’t dare do it in his house though. When we got married and moved in together i went strictly to smoking outside, its unfair to him, so thats my compromise. he doesnt hound me about quitting anymore (because it does get annoying, we all know its bad for us, and people tend to get defensive when attacked about their smoking habits, sad but true) but he knows i will when im ready. I want a family and i wouldnt dare smoke while TTC.

Maybe try having a calm conversation about it, dont attack him for smoking just where he smokes – maybe set up a little space outside with an ashtray, chair and table that he can go to and relax and have his smoke. But ultimately i think its a decision of how much you can put up with and how much he is willing to budge on his habits. For my husband, he swore he would never date a smoker, but with me i guess it wasnt a dealbreaker for him but i also try and be respectful of where i do it, how i dispose of it. He shouldnt have to indulge in my disgusting habit with me.

Post # 26
Member
7299 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry, but I have to laugh at some of these responses. If he can’t keep his promise about not smoking then the rest of them are worthless? lol 

Let me tell you something about addiction. It’s VERY EASY for someone who has not been addicted to a drug to say that someone else is being stubborn. Smoking is a tough habit to break! Hell! I was doing hundreds of dollars worth of cocaine a week for 5 years and quit that shit COLD TURKEY when I found out I was pregnant. I stopped smoking too. After I had my daughter I started smoking again, but then quit about a month later. I was smoke free for 5 years! 5 years!!!!! And started up again because of stress. Your brain will always remember the addiction. My brain? When I’m stressed whispers that I should go do a line of coke or smoke a cigarette or have a bottle of wine. Finally, I caved in and had a cigarette one night. Every cigarette I light, I think, WTF am I doing? Why am I doing this? That’s it. This is the last pack. Then I find myself on auto pilot and standing in line at the gas station getting another pack. 

You nagging him and throwing stupid shit in his face is not going to make matters any better. The last thing smokers want to hear is “what about MY health. I hate the smell. I don’t like it. DO IT FOR ME!” That’s annoying. 

Smokers have to WANT to quit and when they are ready will do it with no problem. It’s really a mind game. People ask all the time how I was able to quit coke cold turkey like I did. 1. I was pregnant, but that’s not really a reason because how many more women are out there who are pregnant and still do drugs? 2. I just wanted to. Even before I got pregnant, it was in my mind that I was done with this lifestyle. One morning I woke up, my pillow covered in blood from an overnight nose bleed and I said that’s enough. Any other day I would have cleaned it up and did my morning lines. That day I threw the coke away (I always had pre lined coke on my night stand) and never looked back. It wasn’t easy. It’s still not easy. I think about it often. It’s always in the back of my head. 

Why I can’t do the same for smoking is another mind game. I KNOW I can quit, but do I WANT to quit? I don’t know. 

Anyway, if this is a deal breaker for you then move on. Getting into fights about it is silly. Why not try to find a compromise. That is what marriage is about. You can’t take 100% control over someone elses actions. You can throw a fit or try to put him on a guilt trip, but do you want to be that woman? Instead of nagging, you should be supportive. Ask him if he wants to quit. Tell him that you are concerned about his health and yours as well. Tell him that if he doesn’t want to quit that it’s okay, but you would much rather him do it in the basement or a closed off room. Don’t make snide comments about stuff in his house that has been ruined. Who wouldn’t be offended about that? Take it one day at a time, but you need to make a decision for you. If he won’t make a compromise then stand your ground and don’t move in with him. Simple as that. 

Post # 27
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Smoking would be a dealbreaker for me.  I’m highly allergic to smoke, so living with a smoker would make me look and feel like the living dead ALL. THE. TIME.  Not gonna happen.  My nose is so sensitive that I can’t be in a car or room that’s been smoked in previously, and I can easily smell smoke on someone’s clothes and even THAT will set off my allergies.

I agree that smoking is an addiction and he’s going to try and wheedle out of any promise he makes that restricts him on it.  You need to learn to stand your ground and not give up at the first arguement.

My dad’s parents were both smokers and they loved to come visit.  My parents laid down the law from the start that there was to be no smoking in our house and further more, when my brother and I were born, that there was to be no smoking around us AT.ALL.  With my parents both standing firm, they were able to make this happen, but it took a lot of enforcing the rules.  Eventually, in our scenario, it had a happy ending with both my grandparents quitting smoking.  I don’t expect that happens all that often.

The big thing that made it work for my parents is that they stood their ground.  My grandparents were told to leave the house if they lit up a cigar or cigarette.  When my brother and I were born, we were further leverage.  If they wanted to see us, then they followed the rules.

I think Miss Tattoo has it right.  You need to decide how you want this to go.  If it were me in this situation, I’d be making other plans besides moving in until he was willing to honor the promise he made.  If it’s not that big of a deal to you (enough to cause a rift), then move in, but understand that he’ll probably do this same type of thing after children are involved… because he knows he can and he won’t see a problem with it.

Post # 29
Member
3197 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think it is one issue though, this is something that has the very likely chance of snowballing to create more and more issues. I’m not saying you should leave him just because of this. But more to think about the long term consequences of giving in to him breaking this promise that he made to you.

Post # 30
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@kay01: There are air cleaners.

Post # 31
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@CindyRelly: I dont understand why cant he smoke outside? or quit? Seems like and expensive annoyance to me. But bets wishes 🙂 Stay strong!

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