(Closed) Could be overreacting, but was this inappropriate?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
2427 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

LOL, it is a little awkward, but look at what position reproductive technology has put us in!

It is like a guy volunteering to donate sperm!

I think the girl’s heart is in the right place. Medical science has changed things a lot!

Post # 32
12300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

This is not about generosity, it is about boundaries and having the common sense not to discuss something so obviously private. And no, I have to say I don’t think repeatedly offering up your womb and in this instance in front of sheer strangers is reasonable or normal behavior for a 17-18 year old who is bright enough to be taking college level classes, unless she has an invisible disability of some kind, emotional or developmental. Which, I have to admit didn’t occur to me initially, but is another possibility.

Maybe I’ve known a different group of 17-18 year olds all these years, but I have my doubts that garden variety “immaturity” completely covers it at this age. 

That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be spoken to. I would do it tactfully, however. 

Post # 33
150 posts
Blushing bee

weddingmaven:  I don’t disagree with you entirely, but I *had* to reply to your comment to say that I’m not sure you can consider people going to college and taking college level classes to be all that smart really – college, especially at that level is easy. I’m in college, obtaining a Master’s and you wouldn’t *believe* how dumb and lacking manners some of these people are, even at their age, older than me! So, I’d say it has less to do with age than her mother’s parenting since her mother obviously also doesn’t seem to be very graceful or have manners. 

Post # 34
2733 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

mostlyv:  agree! And her taking college level courses may mean she’s intelligent in a certain subject matter (say she’s in a college level physics course) but it doesn’t mean she’s intelligent in other subjects or personal matters such as infertility or that she has the common sense of personal boundaries (trust me… I’ve met many a college scholar in advanced courses with high GPA’s who lack all common sense). There’s also the possibility of a social disorder (??? is that the right term?) where she lacks the ability to understand social norms/ social cues.

I agree with OP that as a 17/18 year old I would have never thought to say something like that to someone. But everyone differs in their level of maturity or understanding of certain situations. Like I said before, she clearly doesn’t have a good role model of boundaries and keeping private matters private since her mother thought it was acceptable to tell her teenaged daughter about an employee’s medical history…

ETA: woops! didn’t see that you pointed out her mother’s distastefulness already! agreed again

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by  SoonAsYouCan.
Post # 37
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

sarahramo:  how does she even know she can have kids??

Definitely just being a naive teenager.  Still so inappropriate.  Talk to her, hopefully she won’t make the same mistake again.

Post # 38
1272 posts
Bumble bee

You might want to say, first of all, you appreciate the offer but you’re not thinking of having children at this time (you mentioned you felt too young) and you would appreciate if she kept this on the down low, because you haven’t told most of your family yet.

Furthermore, you should suggest that if she seriously wants to consider being a surrogate for someone she should do some research. For example, many professional surrogates usually have had a child of their own before giving birth to a stranger/friend’s child, so that the doctors involved have a basic understanding of how their bodies will cope with childbirth. Plus, since she is so young, how does she even know that she is able to have children? Not everyone can, has she had any reproductive health issues?

Post # 40
521 posts
Busy bee

I have PCOS and my sister-in-law has said the same thing…As much as I told her I appreciated the offer and hopefully it wouldnt have to come to that, it really was a heart felt and sweet gesture…

People dont always knos the right thing to say and to her, she probably felt she was terying to speak to you and reach out to you in some way…

Post # 42
1272 posts
Bumble bee

sarahramo:  “she (most likely) doesn’t have her life planned out and shouldn’t be offering her womb to me without realizing the implications”

This. This is exactly why I recommend she do some research. She has no idea what being a surrogate involves, it is just something that sounds nice to her and she thinks she is being generous, while in reality she in being incredibly foolish. I’m sure her intentions are good, though her attitude is all wrong.

Has she ever even seen a child being born? Does she know the cost on her time (even if you offered to pay for everything) and her schedule? What about the effect having a baby has on your body? You will gain weight, be flooded with hormones and for the sake of the safety of your child she would have to forgo all kinds of things. No soda, no exhaustive exercise, no traveling, (probably) no sex and she won’t get to keep the baby or have any rights to it. She may be serious about this, but at her age I have my doubts.

Post # 44
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Lisasaurusrex:  totally agree. 

This silly kid wouldn’t be in this embarrassing position if it hadn’t been for the gross breach of trust from the mom. I would be calling the mom. Telling HER to have this embarrassing conversation with her daughter. SHE can tell HER daughter to never mention it again. She can tell her daughter that she (mom) made the mistake by divulging it in the first place. she can tell her daughter that infertility can be a very painful thing that people often want to keep private. 

OP none of this was because of you and you don’t deserve this heart pounding Palm sweating anticipation of this conversation with this kind hearted but totally clueless young lady. also, if you don’t talk to the mom and the young lady doesn’t mention it to her mom, hoe many other people is the mom going to casually tell you may have infertility problems? My god. This mom needs a lesson on teaching her child a lesson. And you deserve and apology. 

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