Post # 1
My bf and I have been dating for 6 months and we both are looking for something long term. We do not live together or share finances, we both take turns paying when we go out. When I want something (makeup, clothes etc), I always pay for it myself, money that I earned. My parents taught me how to be financially independent. Recently the topic of money has come up. I was telling about how I want to get a hairstyle, he looked at the price and asked if I could afford it. I never asked him for the money, nor do I buy or do anything I can’t afford.
Earlier this week, he started talking about not wanting a financially irresponsible partner, which I want as well, but I also don’t want a financial dictator. I’ve dated a cheap guy before and my bf isn’t one of those people. He does spoil me and never complains about spending money on me. I know his ex used him financially, but I’m not her, I’m me. Is this concerning? I would never use anyone for money nor would I be selfish, but I didn’t work this hard to get a career for someone to completely dictate how I spend the money I make.
Post # 2
I think at 6 months with only a single comment about whether or not a haircut is too expensive, it’s impossible to tell. This is something you learn about someone overtime.
At this point, it really seems like you are reading a lot into one comment. And it certainly doesn’t sound like he was trying to dictate how you spend your money or like this has even developed into a pattern of him questioning your spending.
Post # 3
hikingbride : I do overanalyze, something I struggle w/. He also brought up the comment that he hopes I don’t buy fancy drinks all the time, despite me saving a lot of money making them at home.
Post # 4
Do you complain about money at all around him? If so it may explain his one off comment.
Post # 5
mrsnitti17 : His reasoning behind it was cause I brought financials about a trip we were doing. Then again that trip was last minute and I was hoping to be more financial savy w/it. Otherwise I have never brought up the issue of money.
Post # 6
From the things you’ve related that he’s told you, it sounds like he may be a little judgmental of your financial decisions. I do find that concerning. Are there other instances where you’ve noticed this, and is there a pattern?
Post # 7
It sounds like he doesn’t think you’re as financially responsible as you think you are. People spend differently and money is often a source of disagreement. I used to cringe at my partner’s spending habits too until I got used to it. Your boyfriend’s an ass if he’s making snide comments. But bully? Unless he makes you change, I would say no.
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
I think he just sounds cautious, which is understanding given his history. I think it could well be something which is easily sorted out with a good conversation.
We have a joint account, which we each contribute a percentage of our income into for the mortgage/bills/other joint expenses (if we go out for dinner etc), and then each have our own accounts for “fun money” to spend as we please. This could work for you – that way he knows the bills will be paid but you still have your own spending money to do with as you please.
Post # 9
He sounds like he’s being cautious and careful after his experience with his ex. At this point, it doesn’t seem like there are any red flags.
DH’s mom is the type to spend a lot of money on everything. Expensive hair appointments twice a month, botox, facials, elective procedures, giant homes she can’t afford, expensive cars, etc. When we were dating he would sometimes be concerned that I would be the same way. And it would definitely bug me. I would buy something, and it would somehow end up in a conversation about money and responsibility. It drove me insane and really hurt me because I’m so careful with my money and I don’t care about buying fancy things. But he was scared that I might be like his mom. Eventually he got over it.
Point being, I think your boyfriend will get over it too. Watch out for any comments that actually seem controlling, but I really think it’s fine.
Post # 10
I’m not sure how much you could read into this one comment bee, from experience I feel like most men I know are just absolutely shocked at the prices when it comes to women’s hair cut and colouring. So it could just be that. Its good that you’re being observant and cautious, just try not to let it consume you!
Post # 11
I’d just say “Mind your business, Derek. Get out of my purse.”
If he’s actually worried about something, the two of you should sit down and have discussions about things openly and directly. Those passive little digs would bug the shit out of me.
The two points you raised would be enough for me to start paying attention for future red flags. A poor man can be worked with- a cheap man is a terror!
Post # 12
des- : He has never before brought this up, even when I hve told him I bought makeup and other things. I will def keep an eye out if he starts asking or complaning about my finances. I keep my nose out of his finances cause see him doing what he needs to do w/out coming to me looking for money.
Post # 13
lovelyruby : I’ll def not let it get to me. If I want something extra or fancy, I always wait for a sale or I analyze whether I want it or not. Plus a lot of clothing comes from the thrift store because a lot of times I find nicer unique things for cheaper.
Post # 14
Bee, you’re justifying your spending habits to us with your posting about shopping sales or thrift stores. What is that about? Do you do that around your bf?
Generally speaking, six months in, not living together, your money is none of his business. But, if you’re bringing up the cost of things or feeling the need to put on evidence of your thriftiness, you are inviting comments.
Post # 15
I don’t think this is necessarily a red flag. I’ve said that before. Not because I think someone is bad with money, but basically it was a poor way for me to bring up that the price seemed kinda high, and are they sure that’s what they want?
Talk to him about it & see if it was a misunderstanding.