Post # 1
Hi bees! I am hoping I can get a bit of insight… I struggle a bit with my sexuality- or lack thereof. I do not think about sex at all or feel physical attraction to others. I can find someone aesthetically pleasing but there is no sexual aspect. I have no desire for sex at all. I am in my early 20s and married. We have sex about once a week and I enjoy the experience but it’s something I never proactively desire. It’s been this way for around 5 years or so (ever since I was old enough to begin exploring my sexuality)… I don’t know whether I should ask my doctor to run tests or just accept that I may be asexual? Thank you.
Post # 2
I hear other girls say someone is hot and I smile and nod but don’t feel any sort of attraction. Some friends made a comment the other day about how guys “show” when wearing sweatpants. I realized I have never once looked at a man and even thought about his genitalia. (Keeping terms somewhat formal to be more appropriate).
Post # 3
It doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with you. Some people are extremely sexual and others are not. You probably have low testosterone levels, but that’s normal for a woman. As for the sweatpants comment, that definitely made me cringe a little. I’ve never looked at a man like that either. That seems so invasive and objectifying, like what women often complain about with men staring at their breasts. Like I said, some people are just more sex-obsessed than others. Having sex once a week is pretty frequent in my opinion and if there are no issues then I wouldn’t try to create them if you know what I mean.
Post # 4
okay, thank you so much! And yes, I agree that is objectifying.
Post # 5
Firstly I don’t think PP meant to be offensive but I think it should be VERY clear, asexuality is not an issue. Identifying as asexual is not creating an issue.
OP, if your lack of sex drive is concerning to you or if you feel like it lowers your quality of life, you could absolutely consult a Doctor.
As for whether or not you are asexual. Honestly, to me it sounds like very well could be? But only you can determine that. Only you know if you identify as asexual or if you even want to label yourself as anything at all. It is a completely personal choice and experience.
Post # 6
I assume, like many things, sexuality is a spectrum. When I think about it, I only ever desire sex with someone I am physically AND emotionally connected to. I’ve never really desired sex for only sex and when I’ve been single, sex is not something I have craved. It’s only in a relationship where I would feel that desire. Though I feel physical attraction and think that someone is ‘hot’, I don’t think I have ever wondered what’s in their underwear, lol, or thought about that as part of the attaction. And there are obviously women very different to me and crave sex for only sex, actively think about sex with random people they find attractive, whether that’s a little or a lot. And I imagine there are women further down the scale to you who don’t enjoy or get anything out of sexual contact at all or even notice with others are aesthetically pleasing.
That’s a long winded way of saying I don’t think there is anything wrong with you and perhaps it is just pressure from your peers and/or general society that leaves you feeling badly for being somewhere on the spectrum that’s isn’t the most numerous or talked about. I agree with PP above that if you feel like it’s affecting your quality of life then you could explore the medical side to get some clarity. If you are otherwise very happy, then I see no cause for you to change.
Post # 7
The only people this should be concerning is you and your spouse. If you are both happy with things as they are, then great! If either of you feel something is lacking in your relationship, then talk about how this might change – maybe consider visiting a doctor or a counsellor.
One question – were you ever given the message as a youngster that ‘good girls’ don’t think about/like/want sex? This can sometimes have an impact in later life, as subconsciously, you can shut down on your emotions.
Post # 8
You sound totally normal to me. There is no “standard” level of sexuality that everyone should adhere to, it’s more like a scale of 1 to 10 and everyone falls somewhere on that scale.
Post # 9
I think you’re normal. I feel like I’m attracted to almost no one. Like out of 100 men, I MIGHT see 1 that’s cute, but probably not. Also, I’ve never looked at a random man’s crotch in sweatpants. I’m straight, but I don’t enjoy looking at random penises.
Post # 10
op are you on birth control pill? Sometimes that really impairs a woman’s sex drive.
Post # 11
If you were experiencing a significant change in sex drive I would definitely check into it. And depression and some medications can suppress drive. But this seems to be your ‘normal’ and if it’s not causing any issues in your relationship or making you unhappy I wouldn’t worry about it. Some people are more sexual than others, some less. There is no ‘right’ answer.
Post # 12
I agree completely with this.
Also, regarding testosterone (or lack thereof), yes, women do tend to have lower levels than men, but there is still a range that is considered “normal”, and producing no testosterone is generally something that only menopausal women or women with some kind of endocrine issue deal with. It has other symptoms, though, like fatigue, irregular periods, sleep disturbances or vaginal dryness. If you’re concerned about your hormones you should have them tested (when it’s safe to do so), but if you’ve been like this all your life and it doesn’t disturb you, it just embarrasses you occasionally, then I’d say you’re probably just a little toward the asexual end of the asexual-hypersexual spectrum.
Post # 13
Re: the sweat pant thing… that sounds pretty normal to me. I’m heterosexual but do not find penises at all attractive. I think a lot of heterosexual women feel that way. Like the image of a dick doesn’t do it for me the way an image of boobs does it to most hetero dudes, if that makes sense.
As for the larger question, I don’t know much about asexuality, but do you think labeling yourself with that title would help you feel better in some way? Are you feeling uneasy about your sexuality? I would say, if you and your partner are happy with your sex life as is then that’s all that really matters. But if you have some uneasiness about things, then it couldn’t hurt to read up on asexuality more or perhaps speak to a therapaist.
Post # 14
totally agree with you, can you imagine if there was a magazine where instead of topless women it was photos of bottomless men?!
That sweatpants thing makes me cringe too…
Post # 15
You could be asexual. If you want to explore that route, I’m sure there’s communities where you could read other people’s experiences and feelings and see if they match up with yours.
If after reading that, it feels more medical, you can ask for blood tests.