(Closed) Could really use some advice here…

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Bee
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

@kmarie422: no you aren’t over reacting. I would refer to this as functional alcoholism. He needs to stop drinking I would think. Have you ever brought up alcoholism to him? I would do some research and see what you think. By your basic description, I would say he is an alcoholic. 

Post # 4
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@kmarie422: My grandfather was a functioning alcoholic. I had no idea until I was older, but he let his drinking affect his relationships. For me (for reasons beyond my grandfather), I am not ok with my SO drinking to get drunk, so perhaps a few drinks on a weekend. I could not live with someone who wastes not only money on alcohol but drinks to excess. Does he get angry and lash out at you while he’s drinking? If he’s being defensive about how much he drinks, he might subconsciously realize it’s a problem. But in the end, it’s what you’re ok with in your relationship and the kind of person you want to be with. <3

Post # 5
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

While I think over-drinking among people our age (I’m about to turn 23 at the end of the month) is fairly common, it’s even more of a problem in the Midwest (I’m from Wisconsin…beer drinking capital of the country…). But that doesn’t make it ok if you don’t like it. I think what’s most unsettling here is that whenever you try to talk to him about it, he gets angry…imo that’s worse than the drinking itself. I’m not sure how I would go about this situation if my Fiance was unwilling to have the conversation. If he won’t talk to you about it, maybe he will talk to his parents? If you’re close with them, maybe you could talk to them about your concerns? 

Post # 6
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

My Ex did the same thing.  He drank beer every night and on the weekends would drink probably too much.  I was a freshman in college when we met and we dated for about 4 years off and on.

My mother tried to talk to me about it because she felt he had a problem.  I didn’t recognize it then, but looking back now it was a huge problem.  He would get angry and act out when he had too much.  I think he depended on drinking.

I ran into him about a year ago at a golf tournament and wouldn’t you know it…he was still up to his old tricks drinking heavily almost 5 years after we broke up for good.

It wasn’t important to me then, but now I am so thankful that my SO is not a big drinker.  He is completely opposite of my ex in so many ways.

Good luck with everything.

Post # 7
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I don’t think you are overreacting. Even if he isn’t getting wasted every night, drinking beer every day can have negative effects on his health. Being dependent on drinking or feeling like he *has* to do it every day is also a red flag.

Post # 8
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Basically, 21 units of alcohol (12oz. of beer per unit) per week for a man is considered moderate drinking (14 units for a woman)  More than five at a time is considered binge drinking.  Given his age, I don’t know that what he’s doing is unusual, but it might help to let him know what the “standards” are.

Post # 9
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I’d try talking to him about it again (as calmly as possible, and during a time he’s not drinking). If he keeps becoming defensive or accusing you of being angry when you’re only trying to talk about this concern, then I’d spend some time to yourself really thinking about if you can deal with this forever…especially if it were to get worse.

It can be a very hard thing for someone to admit that they have a dependency issue, but if he refuses to acknowlege that his drinking may be a problem, or that it even bothers you, then you may have to walk away or commit to dealing with this as part of your relationship. If it’s to that point, maybe talk with his folks like @msbadger7: said or other trusted people that could help and see if they’ve noticed this issue. I wish you the best on this, I know it’s a very tough and tricky issue. *hugs*

Post # 10
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You are not overreacting. Excessive drinking is cause for concern at any age, even if you guys are young. If you ask him to stop and he doesn’t then yes, a cause for concern. Can I ask do you drink with him ever? Are you with him when he drinks? Maybe you can try to plan things on the weekends that don’t invlove drinking. Keep him out fo those situations. Find a different crowd to roll with so that it isn’t always party hardy time?

 

Post # 11
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

Unfortunately, it sounds like it is a problem for him not to drink.  IMO, anyone who drinks on a daily basis for an extended period of time is likely already an alcoholic or well on their way to being one.  Sounds like he knows he has a problem if he gets so defensive when you mention his drinking.  I came from an alcoholic home (my dad) and wouldn’t wish that on anyone.  I suggest that you attend an Al-anon meeting or two and see if you gain more clarity on the issue.  I don’t think it is asking too much for you to ask him not to drink every single night.  If he doesn’t have a problem, like he says, then he shouldn’t have a difficult time in not drinking for a period of time.  Ask him to forego drinking during the week, limiting it only to weekends and see if he can do that.  I’ll bet he can’t at this point.  Al-Anon should shed some light on the situation for you.  Personally, marrying him with his drinking like he does would be the last thing I’d do.  It doesn’t matter if it is “just” beer.  Alcohol is alcohol.  My dad only drank beer too.  It also made him a very angry person when he was intoxicated.  You don’t deserve that kind of life.  Good luck and all my best. 

Post # 12
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

As the grand-daughter and daughter of alcoholics, I would seriously recommend that you give this some thought. 

Do some research online. Read stories of women who have married drinkers, and see what their lives have been like. Then ask yourself what you truly want for yourself and your future. 

Have you suggested some kind of help to your FI? I know he gets angry when you mention it, but have you tried talking to him about it when he is sober?

 

Post # 13
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

My Dad is a functional alcoholic. But he was never an angry drinker and until I was in my 20’s I never saw him ‘drunk’. Just came home every night and drank 2-3 beers, half a bottle of wine and 1-2 scotch and sodas in 4-5 hours. But he had a high tolerance and never acted drunk.

And from that experience, I can tell you, do not marry him. Even if he never gets angry or full on drunk, being buzzed all the time keeps him from really being able to bond with you emotionally. There will always be a wall there. It it not a good home to raise a child in and you deserve to be with someone who can be there for you 100%.

Read up on alcoholism (he is probably in the very early stages, like alsohol abuse), let him know that him not drinking is important to you and see if he is willing to stop. If not, then leave. It’s not worth the long term damage and heartache.

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