Post # 1
Hi ladies, So i had posted on here several months back and thought it was all worked out, wrong again. So back in August my bf took me to look at engagement rings. We started talking about getting engaged, and found out that he is moving half way across the country in March. So I had asked him back in October, if he thought that we would get engaged before he left. I let him know that because I have a son from my first marrriage, i wouldnt be willing to relocate the two of us unless him and i were engaged. I figured we’ve been together two years, so no biggie. we’d get engaged and we’d go. Then he hit me like a ton of bricks with the admission that he thought we werent’ ready. So we decided that he would leave without me and that we would do long distance. I pretty much felt rejected by the whole thing because to me, he’s the one and i didn’t see what the big deal was. I felt like maybe he doesn’t feel the same way about me as i do about him. Anyways, fast forward a couple months and I am just starting to get used to the idea that he is moving without me. I mean I’m not happy about it, but i have hope that we will make it work. Then he starts talking about the engagement again. he brought it up like 4 times in one week and finally started making comments like “if we get engaged tomorrow” and “all i know is i want you with me always”.. so i thought we were going to revisit that issue but it scared the hell out of me because I was worried that he would sort of change his mind like he seemed to a couple months ago. So i kind of broke down, I cried to him on the phone and said he was confusing me and i was afraid of getting my hopes up for nothing. I basically told him that if he changed his mind again and decided to back off, i think it might really hurt us as a couple. Since then he hasn’t said a single word about it. I finally asked him the other day (several weeks after the last incident) why he’d been so quiet about it and he said that it seemed to get a negative reaction out of me so of course he wasn’t going to talk about it. he even accused me of rejecting him in a sense so he dropped the issue. Which is total BS because i never once rejected him in any way, he knows how i feel about it. Anyways, he leaves in 6 weeks and it doesnt look like anything is going to happen before then. Personally, i’m just really confused by all of these messages. I feel like as soon as i say anything about being seriously engaged he completely shuts down. What really sucks is that it makes me feel not super thrilled about our relationship and I don’t think that is the best way to go into a long distance, which is hard enough. I sort of feel like he’s jerking me around, not intentionally of course. I could just really use some advice from some smart ladies cause right now i feel so confused about how to handle any of this.
Post # 3
That’s awful, I feel your pain. It sucks but it really doesn’t seem like he’s serious about being engaged. If he was, he knows you are, and he wouldn’t be so weird about it.
My advice is talk to him once more seriously about it. Sit him down and ask him one last time what’s up. If nothing comes of it, let him go, but I wouldn’t put too much effort into a long-distance relationship. They are so difficult! If that happens, tone down your expectations for this relationship.
Post # 4
Thanks so much for the advice. I did have a brief discussion with him lastnight about it and I feel like i got a lot of clarity on the situation. We are supposed to have a sit down face to face about it tonight. He admitted to me lastnight that he really does want to marry me, he said he knows i am the one for him and that he loves me more than anything. He also said that he’s scared. He had a hard time telling me exactly what he was so worried about but he did say that he wants to talk more about it, because he thinks it will make him feel better. For the most part, i was happy to get clarity and start openly talking about it. However, I am not sure how to take one of his concerns. He is worried how he is going to do as a father-figure to my son. When him and i first started dating I never really had him around my son because i didn’t want to introduce my kid to someone unless i thought the relationship was going to be long term. So finally this year, i gave my bf the green light on bonding with my son and starting a relationship. Sometimes he does really well about that and my son loves it, other times he doesn’t act terribly interested in it. We never do “family” things together like go to a movie or go to a park or anything. my bf likes his alone time, so we don’t really see each other much during the day, mostly just in the evenings. I’ve been fine with that, as i like my alone time too. But my bf expressed that he was worried about all three of us living together and how his relationship with my son would go, as well as if he would still be able to get alone time.. Typing this out, the whole things sounds awful. My bf is a good guy and he cares about my son alot. I just get the impression he isn’t sure he wants to step up into a step-dad position, and i am not sure how i feel about that. Obviously my son comes first. and with my bf moving across the country it isn’t like we will be having any more opportunites to do “family” things together and build that bond.. I think that ship might have already sailed, sadly.
Post # 5
@Hawk-1-1: Mm that’s tough. It is very strange to suddenly take on a child when you start dating someone, so I understand his concern. But I don’t think he would say that you’re the “one” if he doesn’t want to have your son in his life. I mean, before your child becomes an adult (and even after that), you’re a package deal. He probably just didn’t imagine himself having children yet. At the same time, you need someone who you KNOW will not let your son down, since he is your priority above all else.
Also, it could be that he is using your son as an excuse for not having a serious relationship. I’ve seen that sometimes a person loves another person, but for whatever personal reasons is not able to comit to them, and they try to find excuses simply because it doesn’t make rational sense. I’m not saying this is the case, but it’s something to think about. Either way, he’s not ready to be in a family situation. I wouldn’t force the relationship too much because if you do, he may end up breaking you and your son’s heart.
That doesn’t mean the family thing won’t ever happen, but for now it seems unlikely. Remember, if you were meant to be, you will eventually be together whether you live far away or even break up for a while. For now, you need to focus on your son, and not try too hard to find a father figure for him.
My guess is that he will move away, be really sad and miss you, and soon come to want you and a family. Either way, don’t keep your hopes up, try to move on a bit and do other activities. There’s more than your happiness at stake, so don’t push this relationship too much.
Let us know if there are developments, of course! Much love sent your way.